Welcome back! This is our fifth Total Bellas recap of the season. If you want to find our other Total Bellas coverage, check out the tag page. And you can find all things Total Divas right over here. So without further ado, let’s get down to business and recap the latest episode of the greatest television franchise known to man. The Bellas and their fellas!
Okay, first things first: we only get like 10 seconds of it each week, but the Total Bellas theme song COMPLETELY AND INDISPUTABLY BANGS SUPER HARD.
Second things second: Johnny Ace drinks Corona out of a can and he doesn’t care who knows it.
The whole crew is hanging out at the beach at sunset. Well, the whole crew sans Bryan, who has left for Phoenix due to depression and just not being able to take it anymore. Brie talks about how Bryan has brought her real self out, and Nikki once again says she missed the person her sister used to be. Brie for the first time says she feels John took Nikki away from her. That gives Nikki perspective and makes her realize they need to have more heart-to-hearts and she needs to involve Brie in her life more. Then they do the Kid N Play dance.
Later, everyone is hanging out and then JJ and Johnny get embarrassed because they say they can see Brie’s nipples in her outfit.
Brie FLIPS THE SCRIPT and rightfully points out that men have nipples, too. YEAH BRIE SMASH THE PATRIARCHY. At dinner, Brie is already like three-quarters of the way to BRIE MODE. She also reveals that she’s leaving as well. Bryan has two doctor’s appointments and needs her there. She’ll be shipping out tomorrow.
TIMELINE UPDATE: Kathy and Johnny are getting married in a week. And Johnny chose to surprise her with a stripper lapdance from a guy dressed as a Dan Cortese chef.
Everyone is DELIGHTED and JJ has been thoroughly Punk’d or X’d or whatever.
The next morning, everyone sans Brie is at breakfast and they say today will be more of the same. Dang, it must be pretty dope to be stupid-rich. JJ heads out to have a massage and Nikki asks Lola if it bothers her that JJ is always saying he wants their baby to be a boy. She says YEP and Nikki says it reminds her of olden times where the king would say OFF WITH HER HEAD. Nikki always brings the on-point analogies.
Kathy and the ladies hang out on the lanai and Kathy talks about how she’s never felt comfortable with her body. She says when she was married to Nikki and Brie’s father, he used to intensely body shame her, and it affects her to this day. Nikki is shocked and says she’s “the hottest cougar ever.” That’s, uh … well, you’re trying, Nikki!
Everyone helps her feel better by making her wear a sarong. Well, their hearts are all in the right place!
MEANWHILE IN PHOENIX.
Bryan welcomes Brie home and she wants to know what’s going on with him, while Bryan eats an apple. He doesn’t know what she wants him to say. She says she’s just going to be here with him to help him through this. He’s very standoffish and quiet. Even for him.
Back in Naples, Nikki tries to get JJ to weigh in on whether her boobs look okay.
The Bellas making JJ uncomfortable is my new favorite thing, especially since he’s the guy who texted his dick to them. Nikki tries to get him to cool it with the “GIMME A BOY” talk. He says look, it’s just the facts: every man wants a boy. NOPE WRONG DUDE. You ever met a boy? Those things are disgusting. He sees the error of his ways, though, and he’ll reign it in. At dinner, he tells everyone he’s going to be better, because he has the best partner. This family is big into clearing the air publicly when it isn’t necessary.
On the way back to the hotel for their final night, Kathy says she’s going to see who can hang with her tonight, because she INVENTED Brie Mode. Everyone gets in the pool in their dinner clothes. Except JJ, of course, because he’s uptight.
THREE DAYS LATER back at John’s house, John and Nikki’s puppy Winston has finally learned to walk downstairs.
John says while they were gone, he spent every waking moment with Winston, and it sucked. Nikki says John has made it perfectly clear that the dog is Nikki’s responsibility, and Brie and Bryan have been offering to adopt the puppy all the time.
TIMELINE UPDATE: it’s two weeks until WrestleMania, and everyone is bummed that Brie and Bryan are having to go through this in the last couple weeks of her career.
In Phoenix, Bryan is still hoping for the one percent chance that all his tests have been an anomaly. He says the worst part is trying to think about his entire career as “before,” and now he has to deal with his entire life from now until forever. Bryan gets up and paces and Nikki gets up to embrace him and he totally breaks down.
Brie says she realizes she needs to be his rock, and she knows how important wrestling is for him.
Back in Tampa, Nikki and JJ go to a place for painting classes and John joins them in full suit. He says, “I’m here! Second base!” and grabs Nikki’s hooters.
John Cena: all class. Nikki asks whether Winston has ruined their date nights and he says yeah, of course. He takes a stroll and JJ tells Nikki that Winston is basically like having a kid, and that’s why John is freaking out about it. Nikki didn’t realize this would happen, even though her entire plan in getting a puppy was to try and get John in the mood to have kids. YOUR PETARD, NIKKI. YOU HAVE BEEN HOISTED BY IT.
At the end of this painting lesson, we realize that John has painted a dick and balls. He gives a complex explanation of what his painting means, and it’s wonderful.
“Okay, this is kind of complex; it’s gonna take a little bit of explanation. The circle is the circle of life, which although at some points, it tends to be broken, will forever continue. This is a hammer, crushing two lemons, to signify that when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade … which is the pink lemonade, that comes from the lemons. And I put a white flower, signifying like, peace and growth, that can actually grow, showing that given enough time, life can happen anywhere.”
Brie and Lola hang out before a photo shoot and she says she’s having a hard time trying to balance enjoying the end of her own career and helping Bryan through his. Bryan shows up for the photo shoot and he’s feeling better. He realizes he needs to try to be there for his family and enjoy the rest of his life.
At John’s house, the crew is down to just Nikki, Kathy, Johnny and JJ. Johnny asks if there’s something Kathy wants to share, and she says not now. Johnny presses the issue, which is pretty rude! When Nikki and JJ leave, Johnny says there’s an issue and she needs to tell her kids, because she felt a lump. She tells him to chill out, because she thinks it’s her implant, and that she doesn’t want to tell anyone and worry them unnecessarily until they have an answer.
Johnny storms off at the end of their argument, and the next morning he takes it upon himself to tell JJ and Nikki. Johnny is a real shithead! He claims he’s doing it out of concern for her. Nikki goes up and talks to Kathy and says she should get it checked out today and she’ll go with her. Then JJ comes in and is a REAL shithead about it.
Kathy agrees to go get checked out today on the condition that NO ONE ELSE finds out about this. She and Nikki go to the doctor. At the doctor’s office, Kathy reveals she actually felt the lump six weeks ago. Nikki is aghast.
NEXT WEEK: The Bellas get in a fight about their fellas! Stay tuned!
If you're watching the World Series you might want to switch it to #TotalBellas right now! Trust me!
— Nikki & Brie (@NikkiAndBrie) November 3, 2016
lol
