Previously on Total Bellas: JJ continued his reign of terror as the jerkiest jerk who ever jerked, Daniel Bryan wanted to name his daughter “Branch,” Brie didn’t know what a landfill was called, and Bryan proved he’s the best at being better than everyone else by never making a peep during man contractions. Surely JJ can’t keep being an enormous b-hole for a third straight week!
(Spoiler: he can.)
And now, the five most ridiculous, bizarre, and baffling moments of season two, episode three of Total Bellas.
John Cena overdresses for Brie and Bryan’s house
After six seasons of Total Divas and over a season of Total Bellas, John Cena visits Brie and Bryan’s house in Arizona for the very first time. No, really, he’s never been there before. The closest he’s ever come was that visit to Bryan’s parents’ cabin for that fabled wood-chopping episode back in Divas season one.
Brie and Bryan understandably have anxiety about Cena’s visit, because their house is less than a third the size of Cena’s GUEST house, and they feel like he might judge their spartan lifestyle. Their fears might be unfounded, because all they have to go on is seven seasons-plus of Cena and Nikki judging everything about their lifestyle.
Cena shows up for the visit hilariously overdressed in one of his clown suits, but to his credit, he takes a stroll through the muddy garden in very expensive shoes. Cena and Bryan shooting the breeze in the back yard in drastically different attire is maybe the most human both have ever been.
Lloyd Peacock, the Grapplin’ Gardener
While Cena and Bryan are in the back yard, Bryan pitches his idea of a YouTube gardening show, which he thinks there is a great market for. Then he shows off his original character for the webseries, Lloyd Peacock, the Grapplin’ Gardener, a wrestler who gardens and then puts his plant in an armbar.
Stop drilling, Bryan, you’ve hit oil.
Bryan doesn’t want $400 gifts
Brie and Bryan go shopping for their baby registry, and Bryan only wants to get the bare necessities. He flips out when Brie tries to put a $400 baby monitor on the registry, because he doesn’t want to ask people to spend that much money on them. He flips out again when Brie gets the monitor after adding it to the registry on her own, and makes her return it.
Brie suggests that if all this materialism and gift-giving is going to give Bryan so much anxiety, maybe he shouldn’t come to the baby shower. Bryan shows up mid-shower with dogs wearing laurels, and gives Brie a gift of that baby monitor she wanted (wrapped in recycled paper, of course). He comes around on letting her get the things she wants to get, because allowing your spouse to do what they want to do is definitely a thing you need to come around on.
(The dogs and gift was pretty sweet, don’t get me wrong.)
JJ gotta go
Hey look, JJ is the worst again! He starts things off by spilling the beans on a party that Brie wants to throw for Nikki, then repeatedly, pointedly failing to get the hint when everyone tries to get him to shut up about a secret party, then couches the party in the worst possible terms, repeatedly telling Nikki that it’s a consolation party because she’s never going to have kids.
Later, he tries to tell his wife that it’s totally fair that he told his whole family they were separated and not telling her that they all know, because HE was the one who had to move out and not take care of a tiny infant. He finally, begrudgingly agrees to go to therapy, complaining the whole way, and gives some basic talking-head platitude about how he’s willing to give anything a shot.
The pity party
Speaking of that party Brie wants to throw for Nikki, she wants to do something nice for her sister because Nikki has planned bachelorette parties, bridal showers, and baby showers for her. Sadly, she decides to call it a “female empowerment party,” which doesn’t go over well with Nikki or with John.
Also, there was a big thing about custody of Winston the dog, but that’s better left unwritten. You can watch the episode if you desire doggie drama.
We’ll see you next week, when maybe someone fires JJ into space like the catalyst for World War Hulk.
