The Most Outrageous ‘Total Bellas’ Moments Of The Week


Previously on Total Bellas: JJ was once again the absolute worst, John Cena dressed too well, Daniel Bryan didn’t want expensive gifts, Brie didn’t know a word, and there was some stuff about a dog. It was better than I’m making it sound, though.

And now, the five most ridiculous, bizarre, and baffling moments of season two, episode four of Total Bellas.

No one wants to treat Mama Bella like a sexual human being

Throughout the episode, Mama Bella and John Laurinaitis keep trying to talk about their very active sex life. Please keep in mind, this is almost always when sexual discussion or conversation is happening around them. It’s not out of the blue. But every time the two oldest people on the show try to talk about the wonderful, consensual sex they have, they’re met with outright, overt disgust from all parties that they’re talking to. Nikki even makes a rule that they’re not allowed to talk about sex.

I get it, it’s weird to hear your parent talk about doing it. But don’t deny them their humanity as a sexual being. Get over it. Stop making people feel bad for talking about the same stuff you’re ALWAYS talking freely about. To her credit, Brie at one point admits she’s conflicted about how she treats her mother, because she doesn’t want HER daughter to be grossed out by sex talk. Luckily, nothing comes of any of this!

No one wants to kill Nikki Bella

Probably the biggest focus of the episode is guardianship and power of attorney. Brie and Bryan have to think about who will take custody of Birdie if something were to happen to them, and Cena is stunned and aghast that Nikki has not established a will, nor a living trust. However, he steadfastly refuses to be Nikki’s power of attorney, because he wouldn’t be able to make the choice to end her life. Nikki’s mother is pretty much in the same boat.

Some days, you just can’t get rid of a bomb!

Confidential information

Nikki and John have a very extended conversation in his rental car about how he doesn’t want to be power of attorney for her, and that she absolutely will not make that decision for him, as he decided who will make that decision when he was 24 years old. He also refuses to tell her who has power of attorney, and repeats endlessly that it is confidential information. It’s the perfect mix of hilarious and brutal. Like Miami Connection.

His power of attorney is UPW owner Rick Bassman, isn’t it?

Death massage

To help Nikki make some decisions about her will, JJ decides to take her to a funeral parlor, where randomly the funeral home director is the surviving half of identical twins. Nikki hasn’t even thought about whether she wants to be cremated or buried, and is leaning toward cremation, because embalmed bodies never look quite right. That’s when she learns about DEATH MASSAGE, where the body is massaged during the embalming process, which allows the body to look more natural.

Let’s all sign up for death massage, everyone. [singing] IT’S THE FINAL RUBDOWN.

Let’s be trees

Ultimately, Nikki decides to do what John is doing: get buried in a biodegradable pod at the base of a tree. It’s a cool new alternative to traditional burying methods. All the cool dead people are doing it.

For the record, JJ is horrible in this episode, but not enough to be worth noting. Please be aware he is not getting more likable. Thank you.

That’s it for this week. We’ll see you next week, when John Cena gets ONE STEP CLOSER to marriage.

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