'Total Divas' Episode 1 Recap: The Bella Twins Really, Really, Really Love The Bella Twins

First and foremost, I want to remind everyone that I’m only a casual viewer of the WWE and am not as familiar with many of the characters and storylines as some of you more devout and enthusiastic fans may be. So cut me some slack if I get something wrong or a little off, because I’m the poor sucker that just locked in for a season of Total Divas – Sunday nights at 10 PM ET on E! – and holy crap is this going to be a chore unlike any other.

Based on the debut episode, Total Divas can be viewed from three perspectives:

1) This is the story of Natalya, or Nattie, the girl with wrestling built into her DNA, but no matter how hard she tries or works to become the best of the Divas, she cannot get anyone to take her seriously and give her a push. Nattie is on a quest for respect and the success that she was born to achieve.
2) The Funkadactyls, Ariane and Trinity, see the big picture and realize that their time as Divas is very limited. Fame is fleeting and they know that their window is only open for a limited time, so they want to make the best of it while they can, before they move on to whatever else life has in store for them.
3) The Bella Twins are awful, spoiled, self-entitled women who want only what is good for them and their own careers, and they really don’t give a sh*t about any of the other Divas.

Now, does each of those assessments have validity and truth behind them? That will be up to the entire series to prove. But based on the first episode, that is what the WWE seems to be trying to convey to us. Especially that third one. Seriously, this is ultimately all about the Bella Twins.

But this ain’t a recap unless we comb through the finest moments of the show, so here are the main ideas and events that I took away from the first episode of Total Divas.

This Show Is A Behind-The-Scenes Look At Each Of The Divas As They Try To Climb To The Top Of The WWE Ladder

On the surface, that is. In the first episode, we’re introduced to WWE Divas Nikki and Brie Bella (The Bella Twins), Ariane and Trinity (The Funkadactyls), Nattie (the daughter of Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart and niece of Bret Hart) and newcomers Eva Marie and JoJo. Each of these women has her own goal, and while some of them are forced to work in tandem, they all want something else from the WWE and life in general. What it boils down to is whether or not they can balance their jobs and personal lives, and whether or not they’re willing to do everything that the WWE expects of them.

This Is Actually A Show About Who The Divas Are Dating

I could go a step further and tell you that it’s actually a show about who the Bella Twins are dating, because Nikki is dating John Cena and Brie is ring-shopping with Daniel Bryan. None of the other Divas are dating WWE champions, so we don’t care as much about them. Especially when Cena is willing to be on Total Divas and reenact a scene from The Notebook with Nikki.

Cena also bought Nikki a brand new Range Rover because he loves her so much, but Bryan thinks it’s pretty odd that he’d spend that much on a car for her but not buy her an engagement ring. I would pay so many pesos to see this turned into an actual WWE feud. Cena and Bryan face off because the latter violated the unwritten bro code, and stuck in the middle are the sisters who are just really excited to be dating the company’s stars.

Brie Bella And Daniel Bryan Have The Cutest Dog

This is a very important part of the episode.

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Poor Nattie… Poor, Poor Nattie

Nattie has been busting her ass and training like crazy to get into the Divas match at Wrestlemania, because there’s only one match and that means any of the 10 or so Divas could end up being left heartbroken. Of course, Nettie finds out only after she’s invited her family to Wrestlemania that she’s not in the one Divas match.

That leads me to wonder two things:

1) Why didn’t she wait until she was 100% certain that she was in the match to invite people? (And if it’s a matter of saving money by booking earlier flights, why not just make a family reunion out of it anyway? I mean, you don’t have to call them and be like, “Nevermind, go home!” when you still work for the company and can bring everybody backstage and whatnot. Food for thought and hindsight, I guess.)
2) Why doesn’t the WWE give more than a week’s notice for a lower tier match like that? I’m not trying to downplay the importance of the Divas, but it seems like they could promote a better product if they let them practice for more than a week.

Anyway, poor Nattie is upset that the Bella Twins just get to waltz back into the WWE after being gone for a year and demand a Wrestlemania match. After all, she trained the Bella Twins! And to pour salt on the chair shot, she’s assigned babysitting work for the newbies, JoJo and Eva Marie.


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Good God. My heart hasn’t fluttered like this since Lita made her debut and that one time I tried meth. Also, someone should make a mashup of the Bella Twins’ faces every time someone is talking about Eva Marie. I can just see them Googling “How to make cyanide with household items.”

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SUPER DRAMA, YOU GUYS: They Want Eva Marie To Be Blonde

Eva Marie is Italian and Mexican, but she looks kind of like a Bella Twin so stern WWE lady wants her to be a blonde bombshell. There are two problems with this:

1) Eva Marie’s hair is not going to look good blonde.
2) Poor Nattie, she’s the blonde. Everyone throw some more rotten vegetables at Nattie.

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Eva Marie Bucks The Boss And Goes Red. It Works, WWE. IT WORKS.

This girl is a genius, WWE. Give her all the Wrestlemania matches and titles now, please. Her name should be Evil Marie and I’ll be her manager, Burnsy, and then we’ll get married because it would be awesome.

Ariane’s Boyfriend Is A Total Meathead And I Mean That With Respect, Sir

While practicing, Broadus Clay apparently yelled at Ariane and Trinity and made them cry. Ariane’s boyfriend, Vincent, was in town to watch her perform at Wrestlemania and he will not stand for anyone making his woman cry. So he does the mature thing and starts spouting off backstage about how he’s going to kick Broadus’ ass. Um, hey WWE, can’t we let this happen? This fella was classic meathead douche, and it’s kind of a joy of mine to watch guys like that get bounced off of walls.

But of course it can’t happen, because it could cost Ariane and Trinity their jobs. Fortunately, Nattie shows her non-ring value again and squashes the fight. She’ll probably be rewarded by being given a concession stand to run during Wrestlemania.

Of course, Trinity needs Ariane to understand that Vincent’s actions affect them both. If Ariane is fired, Trinity might as well be fired, too. They’re a package and they need each other. They can’t be getting all up in their Kool-Aid, which was my favorite line of any TV show this year.

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Did I Mention That Eva Marie Is Hot?

How hot is Eva Marie? She’s so hot that the Bella Twins want to haze her and JoJo when they attend the WWE’s Hurricane Sandy relief event. They even asked New York Giants owner Steve Tisch if there was a room in MetLife Stadium that they could take them to. Again, WWE, these are things I want to see.

John Cena Is Really Not Into The Idea Of Marrying Nikki Even Though She Wants To

Nikki picks dinner on Wrestlemania eve in front of the Total Divas cameras to confront Cena about getting married. Cena, of course, just went through a messy divorce, so he’s kind of enjoying just dating an attractive girl and not being required by law to give her half if things go south. But Nikki wants their relationship to be main event status, so they have a really sweet heart-to-heart and she promises to take their relationship one day at a time, which is a hilarious lie.

I felt kind of bad while watching Cena, though, because he looks like he just wants to joke around and goof off for the cameras, but Nikki is in total “Look at me fake crying while I’m sad” mode so he has to labor through the drama. Whatever, he wears jean shorts.

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Yeah, So About That Wrestlemania Match…

The Funkydactyls’ costumes weren’t ready on time, so they were yelling at everyone, from the poor, hard-working seamstress to the Bella Twins, who mocked them for no reason. This pissed me off because if The Funkadactyls aren’t ready for their match, the Bella Twins don’t have anyone to fight. I really don’t like the Bella Twins very much at this point.

But, as sometimes happens in reality TV, the drama was for naught and the costumes came together just fine. So all was well and the Bella Twins and Funkadactyls were ready for their mixed gender tag match… until it was completely cut from the show. I felt really bad for how hard I laughed when they were all sitting in the lounge.

This Season on Total Divas: Nobody likes each other, everyone’s boyfriend sucks, VEGAS BABY!!!, everyone quits, Nattie gets dumped on some more.

I’m looking forward to all of it.