A billion apologies for the tardiness of this week’s episode recap of Total Divas, but I know you don’t care. Sometimes I wonder if I don’t even write this at all if everyone will just assume that the show was canceled and no one would watch it anymore. I should try that, just completely ignore the series and see if my theory that Nikki Bella would punch through my screen from the inside and scream, “PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I’M A STAR!” holds water. But there’s no fun in that, because we all come here for the same reason – to enjoy this marvelous clogged toilet of a TV show for all the wrong reasons.
Before we get into the Bella Twins conveniently acting like they don’t like each other this week, let’s roll up our sleeves and determine whether or not any of the Total Divas has a redeeming quality.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Naomi – I fear she’s gone forever from this show. Maybe that means a belt in her future.
2) Paige – She’s not awful, so she has that going for her.
3) Summer Rae – We’re due for a good “Everyone hates her” angle.
4) Brie Bella – Sure, she caused her sister and John Cena to break up for an episode, but that would have happened anyway.
5) Eva Marie – Like Summer Rae, we’re due for some of her manufactured drama as well. The only difference is that Eva Marie has entire episodes devoted to her. Why? No f*cking clue.
6) Cameron – You know what’s going to happen, right? A whole episode of the making of her music video. I might not survive that.
7) Nikki Bella – Everything she says or does at this point makes me roll my eyes.
8) Rosa Mendes – On a show that already had too many Divas, she was pointless from the beginning.
9) Nattie – Ugh.
Hey, Remember When Cameron Showed Everyone Those Naked Pics of Eva Marie?
That was a fun time, wasn’t it? Eva Marie was all, I can’t believe you did that and we’re not friends anymore. Haha, just kidding, they’re somehow best friends despite that cruel invasion of privacy. Enough that they tried to drive across the country together when Eva Marie and her husband, Scott Stapp 2.0, moved to California. This week, Cameron drove to a fertility clinic with Eva Marie because she needed to know if she’s able to have kids, since Jonathan “wants to pop out a whole football team.” If these two fulfill their breeding ambitions, it’ll be like Philip Rivers married Dr. Krieger’s girlfriend.
So how does Eva Marie feel about Jonathan’s desire to have a football team of kids, boo boo? Cameron had to get to the bottom of this and find out if Eva Marie can see herself raising kids in California, especially with her hectic schedule of not training for the WWE and posing for magazine shoots. Cameron got her to admit that she had been lying to Jonathan this whole time, so you know what that means – it’s time for Eva Marie and Jonathan to have a super serious conversation, you guys.
The way that conversations evolve on this show fascinates me. When Eva Marie and Jonathan were finally alone together, he went from “You look so hot” to “I hope we’re not going to bed” to “Let’s hump and make babies or we can adopt if you can’t have babies.” I’m paraphrasing. Regardless of how these two get in the mood, how are we expected to believe that Eva Marie would put her career on hold to have a child at this point? She already has so little in terms of in-ring value, so if she took a year off she’d be done. In the end, the good news is that she has eggs and can have kids.
The bad news is that she never wants to have kids and Jonathan was so mad that he had to go work out. Maybe they could wrestle to determine whether or not she’ll use the eggs.
Not Even the Rev. Jesse Jackson Could Save the Bella Twins
Nikki is still so mad at Brie that she almost jeopardized their crucial and immensely valuable branding operation by asking the two Schmoes who handle the WWE’s merchandise if they’d ever go behind their siblings’ backs and interfere with their relationships. I’m actually impressed by Nikki at this point. She’s selling the kayfabe split so hard even though we know it’s faker than Mae Young giving birth to a plastic hand covered in smegma. This is true dedication to the craft, so the Bellas are simply proving that they’re the best in the history of the business. Or they’re desperately clinging to anything that they think makes them remotely interesting. I’m not really sure which one it is just yet.
Nikki said that she has been very professional through all of this, and that included asking the merch guys if they’ve ever stabbed their siblings in the back, refusing to acknowledge Brie in front of other Divas and then calling her a backstabbing bitch. Unfortunately for Naomi’s four seconds of TV time this week, Nikki took her frustrations with Brie out on her. And those frustrations are SUPER REAL. The only way to solve this, though, is to get John Cena involved so he could be the voice of reason.
Cena asked Brie how she’d feel if Nikki convinced Daniel Bryan to divorce her, which is a terrible comparison, because Cena won’t ever marry Nikki. What’s amazing about this is that Nikki is “mad” at her sister and brother, but not her mom who was also neck-deep in the intervention with Cena. This is bad timing, because it’s time for the monthly Bella family reunion! Oh no, will Nikki’s and Brie’s drama spill over into their time with their extended family? That could get messy. Quick, let’s cheer everyone up by looking at Daniel Bryan’s hat!
Anyway, Nikki’s nonsense made everyone uncomfortable and they were finally forced to talk it out and – you’re never going to believe this – they made up. Sure, it’s going to take some time for the wounds to heal and other such dramatic clichés that were farted onto a laptop keyboard, but they’re cool again.
The Most Awkward Moment of the Week
A long, long time ago, in a universe filled with slightly less drama, JoJo Offerman was a member of the cast of Total Divas. The problem was she was too young to be involved in anything, and she had zero personality, very little wrestling ability, and all she wanted to do was train and sometimes hook up with the WWE Superstars. So they booted her from the show, even though she would have made a nice subject for an actual behind-the-scenes look at the rise of a new talent within an industry that is filled with people looking out for No. 1. So to have Paige and Alicia Fox, two newcomers to Total Divas this season, jokingly attack her with a cart was pretty mean. JoJo certainly didn’t seem to appreciate it.
Anyway, Alicia Fox is Here to Flirt and Have Fun!
Alicia bills herself as a nine-year veteran who is “fun, flirty and kind of a nut… a complete nut.” Awesome, just what this show needs – another Diva who oversells her personality. Can we just go ahead and pair her with Nattie now so we can get the inevitable “She’s a bitch” moment out of the way? That’s practically the initiation process at this point.
Everything’s Coming Up Rosa… Until Her Ass Popped Out
In case you’ve just started watching the show – in which case, why? – Rosa Mendes joined the cast of Total Divas as the bisexual single gal who walks around naked at all times. So when she suffered a totally real – *wink wink, middle finger* – “wardrobe malfunction” during a match that came at a time when she believed she was on her way to the top, that was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to her. And it totally wasn’t planned. At all. If we know anything about the WWE, it’s that there’s no room in a PG company for something so totally inappropriate. You could practically hear her bags being packed.
But hold the phone (while you’re driving, per WWE television policy), because Rosa’s ass show got her 25,000 new Twitter followers overnight! SHE’S PRACTICALLY KIM KARDASHIAN NOW! Her totally sane and rational response to this was that she and Alicia needed to have a match in which she would have another wardrobe malfunction, this time with her big, fake boob popping out. It’s the perfect plan, because she totally didn’t create it on camera. But she was also completely serious and they practiced moves with the purpose of exposing Rosa’s breasts. All for more Twitter followers. That led to…
Rosa’s big problem, though, is that none of the other Divas like her and she wants that to stop. So she’s happy that she has Foxy with her now, helping her take her tit out in the most awkward of ways.
Rosa’s ACTUAL Big Problem is that She Has No Friends
Alicia totally ran her mouth in front of the other Divas, and one of them went to the guy who runs the Divas division – Scott? Sal? Steve? Sponge? – and ratted Rosa out for trying to stage a wardrobe malfunction, which led to a super serious moment where she was almost… GASP!… fired. Sure. Rosa was totally kidding about the wardrobe malfunction, but the other Divas want her to be fired. Why? If I had to guess, it’s because she’s constantly trying to make out with them and she creeps them all the f*ck out. But that’s just my speculation.
Fortunately, the drama on this show is so poorly scripted and Rosa immediately forgave Alicia for almost getting her fired from the WWE. It’s fun to think about what Rosa would do with herself if the WWE fired her, because I keep picturing her dancing for nickels outside of strip clubs, but that’s mean and I feel bad about that. Thank God no one stays mad over anything on Total Divas, so I’m totally in the clear.
Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Paige – She’s Loki, just messing with everyone whenever she wants. Keep it like this.
2) Naomi – Her few seconds of TV time included her complaining that Vince McMahon thinks she’s ugly. Not good.
3) Summer Rae – Forget Naomi, I’m worried about Summer now. Her only screen time is in flashbacks of her stealing Gary Boogerbrain from Rosa.
4) Brie Bella – She’s an idiot who meddles in her sister’s dumb relationship, but at least she’s an adult about it.
5) Alicia Fox – She’s in the middle for now, but a friendship with Rosa will drag that down.
6) Nattie – She didn’t appear on this week’s episode, so she gets a brief moment out of the cellar.
7) Nikki Bella – At least they’re done with the stupid bickering. As if the company wouldn’t step in and tell them to cut that shit out.
8) Eva Marie – She is completely pointless to this series now.
9) Cameron – Her role is calling Eva Marie “Boo Boo” and pretending she didn’t show nude pics to every man in the company.
10) Rosa Mendes – She’s quite possibly the most pitiful person on television right now.