‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: Rosa Mendes And Her Magical Exposed Butt Cheek

A billion apologies for the tardiness of this week’s episode recap of Total Divas, but I know you don’t care. Sometimes I wonder if I don’t even write this at all if everyone will just assume that the show was canceled and no one would watch it anymore. I should try that, just completely ignore the series and see if my theory that Nikki Bella would punch through my screen from the inside and scream, “PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I’M A STAR!” holds water. But there’s no fun in that, because we all come here for the same reason – to enjoy this marvelous clogged toilet of a TV show for all the wrong reasons.

Before we get into the Bella Twins conveniently acting like they don’t like each other this week, let’s roll up our sleeves and determine whether or not any of the Total Divas has a redeeming quality.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – I fear she’s gone forever from this show. Maybe that means a belt in her future.
2) Paige – She’s not awful, so she has that going for her.
3) Summer Rae – We’re due for a good “Everyone hates her” angle.
4) Brie Bella – Sure, she caused her sister and John Cena to break up for an episode, but that would have happened anyway.
5) Eva Marie – Like Summer Rae, we’re due for some of her manufactured drama as well. The only difference is that Eva Marie has entire episodes devoted to her. Why? No f*cking clue.
6) Cameron – You know what’s going to happen, right? A whole episode of the making of her music video. I might not survive that.
7) Nikki Bella – Everything she says or does at this point makes me roll my eyes.
8) Rosa Mendes – On a show that already had too many Divas, she was pointless from the beginning.
9) Nattie – Ugh.

Hey, Remember When Cameron Showed Everyone Those Naked Pics of Eva Marie?

That was a fun time, wasn’t it? Eva Marie was all, I can’t believe you did that and we’re not friends anymore. Haha, just kidding, they’re somehow best friends despite that cruel invasion of privacy. Enough that they tried to drive across the country together when Eva Marie and her husband, Scott Stapp 2.0, moved to California. This week, Cameron drove to a fertility clinic with Eva Marie because she needed to know if she’s able to have kids, since Jonathan “wants to pop out a whole football team.” If these two fulfill their breeding ambitions, it’ll be like Philip Rivers married Dr. Krieger’s girlfriend.

So how does Eva Marie feel about Jonathan’s desire to have a football team of kids, boo boo? Cameron had to get to the bottom of this and find out if Eva Marie can see herself raising kids in California, especially with her hectic schedule of not training for the WWE and posing for magazine shoots. Cameron got her to admit that she had been lying to Jonathan this whole time, so you know what that means – it’s time for Eva Marie and Jonathan to have a super serious conversation, you guys.

The way that conversations evolve on this show fascinates me. When Eva Marie and Jonathan were finally alone together, he went from “You look so hot” to “I hope we’re not going to bed” to “Let’s hump and make babies or we can adopt if you can’t have babies.” I’m paraphrasing. Regardless of how these two get in the mood, how are we expected to believe that Eva Marie would put her career on hold to have a child at this point? She already has so little in terms of in-ring value, so if she took a year off she’d be done. In the end, the good news is that she has eggs and can have kids.

The bad news is that she never wants to have kids and Jonathan was so mad that he had to go work out. Maybe they could wrestle to determine whether or not she’ll use the eggs.

Not Even the Rev. Jesse Jackson Could Save the Bella Twins

Nikki is still so mad at Brie that she almost jeopardized their crucial and immensely valuable branding operation by asking the two Schmoes who handle the WWE’s merchandise if they’d ever go behind their siblings’ backs and interfere with their relationships. I’m actually impressed by Nikki at this point. She’s selling the kayfabe split so hard even though we know it’s faker than Mae Young giving birth to a plastic hand covered in smegma. This is true dedication to the craft, so the Bellas are simply proving that they’re the best in the history of the business. Or they’re desperately clinging to anything that they think makes them remotely interesting. I’m not really sure which one it is just yet.