With the first two episodes of the second half of this third season of E!’s Total Divas being surprisingly free of Eva Marie, we all knew that she’d be coming on strong with an episode devoted almost entirely to her. That episode is this week’s “Twin Leaks,” which wins the award for the most unapologetic episode title in the history of anything that has ever been on TV. Seriously, there is so much boob happening in this episode that it was almost slightly bordering on entertaining. However, as much as “Twin Leaks” wanted us to care about Eva Marie’s latest health issue, it also wanted to remind us of the thing that we should always keep in mind while watching Total Divas – this show is a freaking mess.
On a serious note, though, I want to offer an olive branch to Eva Marie’s husband, Jonathan Coyle. I bust his balls a lot in this ultimately pointless weekly episode recap because he’s a bro’s bro who just wants to do pushups and get his hot babe pregnant with their own baby bro, but underneath the sleeveless shirts and nose ring, and hidden far behind his collection of flat-billed hats, Jonathan is a pretty smart and caring dude. This show’s voices of reason are near extinction, but he’s still hanging in there, reminding us that not everyone has to be a vapid caricature of something that slightly resembles a human being. So good on you, JC.
Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Paige – She almost acts as if she knows this show is a joke.
2) Alicia Fox – I’m not sure why she’s here because she’s like a background extra with a few lines. But I dig her.
3) Brie Bella – She’s annoying but she also has the advantage of being related to Nikki Bella.
4) Eva Marie – I’m baffled at how this series has ignored the fact that she is not a good wrestler.
5) Cameron – She’s still with us, presumably because she can add star power like Ray J, and yet we’re losing more of my girl Naomi each week.
6) Rosa Mendes – Ugh.
7) Nikki Bella – A horrible character of a person, but so convincing that I think she might not be a character.
8) Nattie – The worst.
Also receiving votes: Naomi, Summer Rae (I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that Naomi is on the show to say one line in the backstage area, while Summer Rae’s disappearance is just Nattie’s “victory.”)
Retired: JoJo Offerman
Oh F*ck Off, Nattie
We’ve barely heard a peep out of Nattie in the second half of this season, other than thinking that someone drugged her with all the pot, and she opened this episode by making fun of Summer Rae. “You have no idea what I’ve been through with Summer,” Nattie said to Paige, still amazingly oblivious to the fact that there are cameras in front of her Lindsey Bluth high school hair 24/7. We all know what Nattie has been through with Summer, because she has brought every single argument and encounter on herself for being a pathetic, immature and small human being. Basically, Nattie is the perfect reality show personality, and I hate her accordingly.
Fortunately, Paige, whom Nattie recently called a bitch, stuck up for her friend Summer before Alicia Fox joined Team Nattie in being sad, sad children. But that’s just why Foxy is on TD now, so she can be edgy and unique, while making jokes about weaves. Happy birthday, Dr. King!
Finally, the Paige and Nattie Rivalry is Here
Part of Paige’s in-ring presence, according to Paige, is the way she sexualizes her execution. More simply put, she likes for the guys in the audience to think there’s a chance that she and her opponent might GET. IT. ON. However, when that opponent is Nattie, Paige needs to either be all professional or get the hell out of this business that Nattie’s family created, or whatever Nattie would have us believe. Specifically, Nattie didn’t appreciate that Paige added a sexy little breath to a hold, so she let the WWE’s young star have an earful of Nattie shame.
“Don’t exploit me in your quest to be a porn star,” Nattie told Cameron and Eva Marie during a quick breakfast before Paige joined them and felt Nattie’s wrath for a complete nutritional diet. Nattie, who I remind you was complaining that Paige was using her sexuality in the wrestling ring, then declared that she has better breasts than Paige. In case you’ve just joined us in this 13th episode of the third season of Total Divas, Nattie is the f*cking worst.
Paige responded to Nattie’s bossiness and anal idiocy by licking her face during their next match, because PAIGE IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THE DIVAS DIVISION. Please make the rest of this season about Paige driving Nattie insane, and then have it end with Nattie quitting and vanishing from the WWE. I don’t ask much. Unfortunately, instead of cultivating this rivalry, Total Divas did what it always does and tied up the loose end in a stupidly convenient way.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: NIKKI BELLA HAS BIG BREASTS! LOOK AT THEM!
Nikki Bella has been an athlete all her life, you guys. Seriously, she is not to be taken lightly in competitive athletics, and she’ll totes prove it by racing John Cena, who is the world’s most perfect athlete. But instead of at least attempting to change the seemingly irreversible path that both Nikki and the WWE created for her with this series by begging us to take her a little more seriously, they gave us a close-up of her hard nipples.
Total Divas is basically what would have happened if Al and Bud Bundy ran a TV show. After this close-up of Nikki’s talents, she and John had their own Laff-a-Lympics, and it was all very dumb. Especially because Nikki quit because John wasn’t taking Skee Ball seriously. Skee Ball. Still, it was way more enjoyable than anything Nattie said or did ever.
Hey, Remember How Competitive and Athletic Nikki Bella is?
And remember how she got so mad at John because he was “cheating” at their fun park games and not taking her competitive challenge seriously? And remember how she told us she played soccer since she was little and she takes being athletic very seriously and thinks that she can win anything she sets her mind to? Well, the last event in her very own Olympics (I’ll let you guys make the obvious joke) was the most competitive and athletic game of them all – beer pong. In fairness to the incredibly asinine nature of this awful plot, John playing a bro’s bro was pretty fantastic.
Eva Marie Also Has Breasts, and They’re Perfect for a Meaningless Segue
“Dude, if silicon ruptures, it’s a nightmare.” – Dr. Scott Stapp 2.0
Eva Marie has had breast implants for nine years, but now she feels like something is wrong with them. They just don’t feel right, she said, as geeks everywhere responded, “Let me be the judge of that.” So while she turned her back to us to show her husband, Jonathan Coyle, her breasts, she explained why this is suddenly the greatest year of her career. The baffling manner in which this show jumps and then ignores plot gaps is astounding, because we still have seen no proof that this woman ever learned how to wrestle without endangering her colleagues, nor have we seen her even work or train to get better. But here we are – watching Eva Marie cry because her health may once again derail her “momentum” in the WWE.
But don’t worry about Eva Marie, she has Jonathan and his sleeveless hooded sweater to comfort her in this terrible time. His biggest concern? She’s going to mess up the white pillows, so he very kindly asked her to cry on the black pillow instead. Later, after a consultation with a boobologist, Eva Marie had a very important personal decision to make – get surgery on her leaky implant and take time off or keep up her “momentum” in the WWE’s Divas division. She obviously chose the latter, but that caused Jonathan to go behind her back and tell the WWE’s Divas guy – Matt? Merv? Martin? Muggle? Morlock the Magician? – that his babe has a bad boob.
Again, Jonathan is the voice of reason, putting his wife’s health above all else, when she’s putting her career ahead of everything. But she was mad at him because he called her boss and “embarrassed” her at her job, which is so incredibly ironic if you’ve watched this show at all. In the end, Eva Marie put her “momentum” on hold and underwent surgery to have her implants removed. And of course she forgave Jonathan, because despite the sleevelessness, he was right.
Post Episode Total Divas Power Rankings
1) Paige – Best: Making her and Nattie have a rivalry based on in-ring work ethic, with Paige serving as the face of a movement that brings back Attitude and gives the fans what they want, and Nattie serving as the old school a-hole. Worst: Flushing that all down the toilet with lazy writing.
2) Brie Bella – A light episode for her (she did provide a voice of reason for Eva Marie’s bad judgment) but she’ll be back with a vengeance next week with an episode about the robbery of her home.
3) Cameron – She’s becoming the sassy black friend of the show. She is better than this.
4) Alicia Fox – She’s also becoming the sassy black friend of the show. They’re both way better than this. They need to put an end to it.
5) Rosa Mendes – I am not looking forward to her bisexual advances on Paige next week. It’s going to be awful.
6) Eva Marie – She still can’t guilt me into liking her, and I’m not falling for this “I’m receiving the push of my life” nonsense.
7) Nikki Bella – She’s so competitive at tits.
8) Nattie – She deserves all the credit in the world for sacrificing a career built on hard work to become a painfully catty and childish woman.
Barely Hanging On: Naomi, Summer Rae