‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap: We’re All Much Filthier For Having Watched This

09.08.14 5 years ago 32 Comments
True story time: Yesterday afternoon, at some point during the Dallas Cowboys’ latest reminder that Jerry Jones will probably end up murdering someone in front of a live TV audience, I suddenly felt exhausted. I thought to myself, “Well, the good thing is that I can go to bed early tonight, since I don’t have to worry about True Blood recaps anymore,” and I curled up into a ball on my racecar bed and slowly drifted away to Sleepytime Palace. But then, as if a greater power had been trying to pull me back, my eyes popped open and I startled Erin Heatherton and Karen Gillan by shouting, “Aw crap, Total Divas is back tonight!” Okay, maybe it didn’t happen exactly like that – I have a waterbed, not a racecar – but the truth was there on my TV, staring me in the face… Total Divas is back for Season 3.

We could scream to the heavens, “WHY GOD, WHY IS THIS SHOW STILL ON AND YET YOU TOOK THE SWAN AWAY FROM US?!?!” but we all know the answer. In fact, we’re a big part of the problem. The truth is that this WWE scripted garbage truck fire is just too entertaining to look away from, even if it is for all the wrong reasons, and now the addition of Rosa Mendes only means that Nattie will be driven closer to insanity, so that should be hilarious at the very least. Enough chatter, though, because there’s drama to be analyzed, including Eva Marie’s family’s hatred of her Scott Stapp lookalike husband, so let’s get on with the show.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Naomi – Always the most level-headed and wonderful of the Divas on this show, unless she’s recording music videos. Please, no more of that.
2) Summer Rae – Here’s to hoping that we get less of the inexplicable group hatred of Summer this season, and simply let her be the best of the Divas (on this show).
3) Brie Bella – When your sister is Nikki Bella, you’re always going to seem way cooler than you actually are.
4) Nattie – Poor, poor Nattie.
5) Cameron – She’s responsible for Ray J being on my TV last season, but she’s still not as bad as…
6) Nikki Bella – Hooray, let’s get into some more garbage storylines about her relationship problems with John Cena, shall we?
7) Eva Marie – Not good at wrestling, speaking or interacting with other adult human beings, but she somehow made it out of last season as a nonsensical “face,” because Summer Rae was written as the scripted reality series heel.
NR) Rosa Mendes – She’s new, so she has to earn respect on this list.

Hey, Did You Know that Wrestlemania is a Big Event for Wrestlers?

Another season, another montage of the Total Divas cast members explaining how cool it was to be at Wrestlemania this year. I watched Wrestlemania and couldn’t tell you how the Divas competed or who won if you put a gun to my balls, but congrats to all of the competitors nonetheless, and I look forward to fast forwarding through all future segments like this in the coming episodes. Man, we’re not even 30 seconds into an episode and I’m already annoyed by the lack of originality on this show.

Great, This Episode is All About Eva Marie and Jonathan Coyle

For those of you who may not have been following this series from Day One, or especially the love affair of Eva Marie and Jonathan Coyle, here’s the short story – they eloped and didn’t tell her parents, who basically hate him because he wears hooded sweatshirts with nothing underneath and he has a nose ring. Right off the bat in this episode, Eva Marie and Jonathan, AKA Scott Stapp 2.0, decide that they want to have a real wedding now, presumably because you don’t get free sh*t from your friends and family for eloping. The first step in that is taking pictures for a Save the Date mailer. This is what they looked like…

… for a Save the Date photo…

… to send to her family…

… that is already furious with them for eloping. I wasn’t prepared for this, you guys. But don’t worry or get offended, because Eva Marie has a perfectly good excuse for such a risqué photo shoot: “When Jonathan and I are 80 years old, I want to look back and be like, ‘Yes, we were hot.’

As I watched the opening of this episode, I started wondering if I’ve been too tough on Eva Marie and Jonathan, since they’re just a couple of kids trying to make it big in this sports-entertainment business, and also because he could pop my skull like a zit with one squeeze. Nope. Not having that thought ever again after this nonsense.

Introducing Rosa Mendes, the Diva You’re Already Very Familiar With

The good thing about adding a new Diva, at least for Nattie, who already struggles to get any screen time or a Divas Championship shot, is that Nattie will be there to “greet” her as if they’re best friends in the world. Basically, Nattie is the Hooters hostess of Total Divas. The first thing that Rosa tells us when she’s introduced is that she’s 34-years old but looks like she’s 24, so basically she’s already narcissistic at an elite level.

But just as Nattie has feuded with newcomers like Eva Marie and Summer Rae, she needs to feud with WWE Divas veteran but show rookie Rosa, and the topic at the core of their misunderstanding is a very serious one – sideboob. Nattie, who did an entire rape fantasy segment with her husband last season, doesn’t think that Rosa should be wearing a dress that shows one-quarter of the side of her breasts. Homegirl is going to lose her hypocritical sh*t when she gets Eva Marie’s Save the Date in the mail.

Nattie isn’t thrilled to be assigned to help Rosa make her return, and she wants a Divas Championship match for it. So AJ or Paige has that win to look forward to when the time comes. In the meantime, Nattie has to take Rosa under her wing, which means that we’re in for Nattie becoming jealous of her, as she already has with Eva Marie and Summer Rae, and they’ll end up yelling at each other over it. If there’s a scene in which Nattie thinks Rosa is flirting with Tyson Kidd, I am going to sue the writers of this show for plagiarizing themselves for the 50th time.

Titus O’Neil is the Best. THE. BEST.

Let’s forget that Naomi and Cameron were basically limited to talking about pancakes and Eva Marie’s nipples in this episode, or that Titus O’Neil showed up to complete the Sassy Black Friend Showcase that breaks up the monotony of another adventure in trying to make us like Eva Marie. Titus O’Neil is wonderful and should have his own talk show, on which he talks sense into stupid, young couples that are about to make hugely wrong decisions.

This Week on ‘Adventures in the Bella Twins Going to Restaurants and Texting Other People While Talking to Each Other’

Look, I’ve had about enough of Nikki Bella’s problems with John Cena. Everything is convenient and transparent drama with these two, and it’s not interesting at all. It’s demeaning to the other stars of the show that they are constantly taking the back seat to stupid, stupid stories like Nikki wanting to freeze her eggs because she’s afraid of being alone and childless at 40. “Deep down inside, I know that John’s the one, but I NEED TO COMPLAIN THAT HE DOESN’T WANT TO HAVE BABIES!” You know what would be hilarious? Nikki getting pregnant and then realizing that her career with the WWE is basically over for the next two years. She obviously doesn’t want that to happen, so cut it out with the biological clock stupidity. Why can’t Nikki and John just be happy with each other? They’re actually at their best when Nikki is trying to make him less of a macho douchebag. It’s the only believable thing that they do.

Instead, the drama during the limited screen time shared by Nikki and John this week involved her scheduling an interior designer visit at the same time that a nurse was coming by to draw blood for her whole egg freezing thing. WOW, WHAT A F*CKING COINCIDENCE! “Gee, maybe I can have the blood drawn in one room, while I trick John into going into another room with the designer,” Nikki says while the rest of the gang runs from room to room while being chased by Old Man McGillicutty in a werewolf costume.

The one thing that I loved about the stupidity between John and Nikki this week was how John gave Nikki a strange, knowing look every time she spoke, so they should just do that. Like, have John be suspicious of everything, to the point that he looks like the Overdramatic Chipmunk in every scene.

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