‘Total Divas’ Recap, Episode 5: My Two Jonathans


Hey guys, we’re back for Part 2 of this week’s Total Divas report. Or, if you’re not reading it on the day it was published, nothing is amiss and everything’s fine and my body isn’t made of like four different kinds of over-the-counter drugs. If you missed what happened in Episode 4, you can get caught up here.

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This week on Total Divas: Nikki’s neck injury is way serious, Rosa gets way pissed at Foxy, and Jonathan is back and it’s way dope.

total divas b roll

Much like cape shopping, this opening B-roll footage of “rando with a selfie stick in front of some train thing” is exactly the kind of magic that makes this show worth watching.

We don’t get Cesaro showing up to merc Nattie’s confidence in her relationship with TJ, but we do witness her uncomfortably and accidentally getting felt up by a fan. He clearly doesn’t know what he’s doing, but we still get Nattie reenacting the moment by feeling up the new girl:

Mandy responds in kind:

Poor Eva Marie doesn’t have a partner, so she has to feel herself up:

Everyone’s getting along splendidly! Mandy uses this newfound comfort level to ask Nattie to help her train at the performance centre. Nattie agrees to make time for it in her busy schedule, which is probably the right call after aggressively manhandling a near-stranger’s lady lumps. Speaking of, when was the last time you gave yourself a self-breast exam? Early detection is the first and best step in the fight, folks!

total divas lunch

The ladies go out to lunch, and Foxy broaches the idea of throwing Rosa a baby shower at her house. Rosa has no problem with this, which is probably a good thing to remember for when she absolutely has the biggest problem with it later on. Mandy brings up the idea of her and Eva tagging together, and wants to know the girls’ opinions. Foxy calls them ‘Ketchup and Mustard,’ and Paige makes this face at Mandy:

Whoa tell us how you really feel.

At this point we’re starting to catch up to Nikki Bella’s neck injury. As we know, this would eventually lead to career-threatening surgery and an indeterminate amount of time out of the ring, BUT we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Nikki relates to her family that her finisher may be putting too much strain on her neck, and Brie advises her to try to change up her wrestling style, like Daniel Bryan’s had to in order to keep wrestling. In hindsight, this comment is…well, we’ll give you another break to finish violently sobbing.

Anyways, Brie suggests that Nikki change “The Rack Attack” to “smothering people with her breasts,” so…yeah. Please don’t leave us alone with her, Nikki. Even if it’s just for a short while.

Nice.

Paige, Rosa, and Alicia Fox go shopping for the baby shower that is definitely happening at Foxy’s Armadillo Palace. Paige uses including Rosa’s baby daddy’s aesthetic as an excuse to avoid the normal frills and trappings of a baby party and go more “gothic-y.” She wants a baby shower, but also haunted. Yeah, haunted like Brie Bella’s empty womb is haunted by the ghost of the babies she not having. Rosa tentatively objects, and her boyfriend agrees:

Whoops, no he doesn’t, suck it Rosa. That baby shower’s gonna look like the chicks from The Craft threw up in a Babies R’ Us. You’re gonna be playing light as a feather, stiff as a board after you unwrap all those nipple shields you registered for, except they’re gonna be covered in pentagrams and stylized portraits of Robert Smith.

John and Nikki go out to dinner, but are forced to bail on their -paella? Is that what they’re eating? Sure, let’s say it’s paella – because Nikki’s neck hurts too much. It’s sad, and I’m sure next-day paella is super gross (lol joking nobody was ever gonna eat that anyways), but the important part is that we set up Nikki’s ongoing injury storyline. Haha, joking again, it’s the reveal that John Cena is going to stop borrowing Mark Henry’s clothes and bought FIFTY-FIVE SUITS.

I guess he thinks these guys are hanging around and need to be prepared for formal occasions at all times? The day that dude figures out that tailors exist, his mind is gonna be f-cking blown.

Guys, it’s Jonathan! Jonathan’s finally here! My face right now:

Jonathan’s hired a videographer to enhance and increase their social media presence. It’s an interesting idea, and I fully support dramatic HD videos of their new French Bulldog puppies, but it’s also resulted in making their lives seem as inauthentic as possible. I don’t want to keep pushing the whole “robots who think this is how humans behave just out there tryna do their best” talking point, but…you know…I’m not NOT gonna put it out there again.

As an aside, recapping this show led to me following Jonathan on Instagram long before they got the dogs, because my endless fascination with him knows no bounds and I fully accept that’s totally and unacceptably weird. That said, look at this dude:

How are you even real, bro? And how on earth is your sponsorship hashtag not #ALLSHREDZEVERYTHING? You need to fire that social media dude, STAT. Also why are we not calling him and Mandy’s boyfriend THE FELLA TWINS? Wasted opportunities everywhere.

total divas nikki rob hard nocks

Nikki heads to Hard Nocks South, where Nattie tells us she’s never known Nikki to give up in the face of anything. This means, of course, that we quickly cut to Nikki giving up on her workout. Finding out you suddenly have limitations beyond your control is a hugely terrifying and demoralizing thing to deal with, especially when it affects something that is both your livelihood and the very definition of who you are to the world. Oh no real feelings ahhhh quick someone grab someone else’s boob I don’t want to feel empathy anymore!

Also, quick shout out to Rob MacIntyre for showing up on Total Divas. You may recognize him as the guy who wrote the foreward to Hardbody: How To Be One, that book by Ryan Nemeth that I keep trying to force everyone I know to read. He’s also the strength and conditioning coach to guys like John Cena, Cesaro, Ethan Carter III, and all of those people you love who are stronger than anyone else in the world. This is this season’s “holy shit Sara Del Rey is on Total Divas” moment, except she didn’t contribute to a book I’m gonna shamelessly shill until you all buy it and read it and love it.

Brie is obviously concerned about her sister now that there’s no opportunity to make her feel bad about something, so she takes her to Daniel Bryan’s doctor where JESUS SHITTING CHRIST

Okay, no. I take it back. I would rather feel empathy for a fake wrestling lady than EVERYTHING THAT PICTURE IS MAKING ME FEEL. Just retire. It’s fine. Go play with your cute dog in your immaculate mansion and make sure that never has to happen again ever. Gah. Ugh. Whatever, let’s check in on literally anyone else in the world is doing.

Mandy’s finally about to get the one-on-one training she requested from Nattie. The only problem is she’s left Nattie waiting for an hour, doesn’t have proper training shoes, and keeps faffing around to the point Nattie almost considers acting like an actual veteran and calling her out. Nattie doesn’t, because Nattie, but she does finally get her in the ring. They’re about to lock up and – oops, Mandy’s new Social Media Awareness implant is blinking, and she needs to take a selfie. Nattie finally does what a normal, not-entirely-frustrating-mess-of-a-human would do and bails. This is good! This is progress! Right?

Haha, naw. Mandy chases her down and explains that she’s late because she was actually in a car accident she conveniently forgot to mention, and the camera crew following her around didn’t capture, and the producers of her reality show didn’t think was interesting enough to include on a television show with the B-roll footage we mentioned earlier. Nattie’s not buying it, right?

Hahahaha, naw. F-ckin’ Nattie, man. This is why TJ knows he can stay married to you while clearly in love with Cesaro. This right here is why your TV marriage is a lie.

I’m so endlessly bored by the baby mama shower drama that I’m starting to feel like Mandy trying to engage PROTOCOL ACTIVE LISTENING:

That said, it’s the only other major plot point we’ve got going on. Paige finds out that she’s scheduled to be on Conan the night of Rosa’s baby party, so Rosa suggests that they have it in LA instead. That way her family will be able to come, and she won’t have to sit through another cross-country flight while six months pregnant. That seems fair, right? No! No of course not. Foxy loses her goddamn mind, doesn’t care that Rosa doesn’t want a Vampire: the Masquerade LARP for a baby shower, and insists that the main roster Diva travel schedule trumps Rosa’s real family being in attendance. Come on, I bet her Christian mother would make a great Lasombra. Or hey, an Antediluvian! She could be a (somehow) surviving Cappadocian! Only three of you are still with me on this train of thought but hi I’m glad you’re still with me and probably agree (you should agree I’m right).

Foxy’s still being a total B-word about everything. What, are you on your period or something? Oh, you are? Oops, my bad, carry on.

*extreme Oprah voice* It’s time for a BELLABRAAATIIOOOOOOOON! Remember when we were all like hey, it’s so weird that they’re still using Twin Magic now that Nikki has her Magic Twins and that all seems like some real BS? Well, apparently it was to give Nikki a break on using her finisher. Sometimes I wonder if things like this are real or conveniently retconned via Total Divas because WWE is actually just a tightly-wound ball of lies and works and cover-ups and spandex, but then I remember that I don’t care. What I do care about, however, is Brie’s assessment of how important this moment is for Nikki. It’s “A moment she’ll share with her kids. Actually – not her kids, my kids.” Ooooooo sssssssssssssavage.

It’s after the show, and the whole gang (plus Renee and honorary Diva Dolph) have their own private Bellabration. This is a good chance to a) keep saying Bellabration, and b) wrap the episode up into a neat little small package, like Daniel Bryan will never do again oh god no real feelings again ugh. Brie toasts her sister’s strength and accomplishments, Foxy toasts Rosa and apologizes for being such an angry inconsiderate weirdo, and the ladies roast Mandy because Mandy. Alls well that ends well!

Well, except for Daniel Bryan.

Oh god, okay, let’s distract ourselves. Hurry! Look! Here are my Top Five Out Of Context Screenshots of the best facials this side of that Pornhub search history you think nobody will ever find. Let’s look at these until we’re numb inside to any and all emotions!

Okay, you caught me. I snuck an extra one in from WWE Raw. I know, I know, you can’t just surprise someone with an unexpected facial. It’s rude and kinda burns a little if you don’t close your eyes in time. But look, I think we can all agree the situation totally called for the Actual Angelic Human Presence of Bo Dallas. Why can’t he be on this show? Somebody make that happen. Preferably by next week when we’ll still be sad about Bryan. Thanksssssss!

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