Last time on Total Divas: Paige was uncertain about her future following a neck injury, Maryse fell in love with a huge tub of Nutella, Bryan got a job opportunity with WWE, and Lana’s plans for her dream wedding keep sounding more and more like a nightmare.
We begin in glorious Las Vegas, where WWE is doing a live event at UNLV. Backstage, Naomi, Renee, and Lana are discussing Lana’s impending bachelorette party in “The Windy City,” Las Vegas. Naomi is looking forward to a club with glow sticks (IT’S A SHOOT, EVERYONE. SHE LOVES TO GLOW), but Lana warns that no one should tell Rusev about the wild-ass, baller-ass party they’re about to have.
At a nail salon, Nikki and Brie are getting their manicures in before the ESPYs, which John Cena is hosting. Not sure whether you’d heard. Nikki and Brie are a bit weirded out, because the entire damn family will be on the red carpet for the ESPYs. GOD MOM, STOP EMBARRASSING ME IN FRONT OF SLAM MAGAZINE.
Back backstage, Lana is talking about how much she loves Rusev, because, I mean, come on, he’s Rusev. But also because she’s been screwed over by men a lot before, and now Rusev is as wonderful and as much of a prince of a gentleman as you’re imagining.
Later, the ladies all check into the Palms, where Lana reveals she booked the “Hardwood Suite” for her and Rusev as they gear up for their dueling bachelor and bachelorette parties. The Hardwood Suite is a 10,000 square foot suite with a basketball court in it. Everyone is suitably blown away, and Renee shows off her sick handles.
Rusev’s friends are in town, obviously hanging out and playing basketball in hotel robes. RUSEV’S BEST FRIEND IS JODY KRISTOFFERSON (who is making is Total Divas debut, obviously).
Everyone in the group goes out for some lunch, and a couple of married fans come up and tell Rusev how great he is. (Yeah, obviously.) Then Renee invites these strangers to come hang out with all of them tomorrow. Makes sense! Renee wants to know why Rusev is so opposed to the bachelorette party idea, and Rusev just doesn’t want Lana out ogling strippers. Renee points out that Thunder From Down Under isn’t a strip club, it’s a live show! With stripping! In an auditorium and stuff! I mean, look how chaste this is:
Rusev instead suggests they should go see MindFreak or something. Rusev, you prude.
In L.A., Nikki is talking about how John is nervous about the ESPYs and JJ and Mom Bella arrive. Nikki talks about how John has been rehearsing constantly and the skits are going to be hilarious, but she can’t tell anyone about them. JJ tries to give Nikki shit about being on her phone, but she says she’s doing business. JJ is such a wet blanket narc.
Back in Vegas, Renee and Naomi are plotting to abduct Lana to Thunder From Down Under, but Rusev might be on to their scheme.
Lana, Renee, and Naomi head down to the bar to have cocktails, but Naomi already has a head start on the drinks, because as Renee points out, she’s an adult-ass woman. Down in the bar, Isiah shows up and he hasn’t seen Lana in forever. You might know Isiah, who is literally the Old Spice Guy.
I guess he and Lana used to have a thing going on? He sits down and Naomi is immediately like, “YOU’RE THE OLD SPICE GUY,” because she remains always the best. Isiah and Lana apparently had an acting class together, and Isiah wastes no time in letting people know they used to KNOCK THEM BOOOOOOTS. Lana says they haven’t seen each other since “they broke up,” so … yeah. Naomi thinks this is bad news, because I guess she doesn’t trust Lana to not flit from man to man like a drunk moth.
Back in L.A., Nikki tries to warn her family about the paparazzi, because she knows from experience that they’ll just run up to you and get a picture of you digging out a wedgie.
Yes, that was definitely on TMZ and not pulled directly from Brie’s phone.
JJ and Mom Bella don’t give a crap at all, because they no one one gives a good goddamn about the people hanging out with a wrestler and a retired wrestler.
In Las Vegas, Lana, Renee, and Naomi are aboard the mini party bus that they’ve rented. A weirdo introduces himself as their party host, but he apologizes because he “normally works in accounting.”
He keeps trying to get into their photos, as part of the government-mandated totally real and wild random occurrence that has to happen once per Season Six episode of this show. HOW RANDOME.
At the Thunder Down Under show, Lana of course gets pulled up on stage and stripped at.
Man, everything good happens to Lana. In the … limo back to the hotel, because I guess the party bus was only one-way, Lana said she caught a glimpse of a wild bachelorette party at Thunder Down Under and for a moment wished she could have a wild-ass party like that. Renee then abruptly segues into SO HOW ABOUT ISIAH HUH, and Lana doesn’t want Rusev to know he was hanging around, because he’s super jealous and he wouldn’t understand.
Rusev and his buddies hop aboard the limo, and Lana is open about the fact that she got abducted away to hot Australian men. Rusev is bummed, but he says “I can’t stop you from doing what you want to do.” Correct! He still spends some quality time in the club moping, however.
At the club, the strangers that Renee invited show up, and Noami notes one of these strangers is already tore up. Reports are differing as to whether her level of being torn up originates at the floor, however. In another TOTALLY RANDOM occurrence, the drunk lady reveals that she was sent on a mission from her hubby to get pictures of her hooking up with Rusev. Things then get even more COMPLETELY, BELIEVABLY WACKY AND TOTALLY REAL when the two women get in a fight that Naomi has to break up.
Back in L.A., Nikki has taken it upon herself to hire a media trainer for her mom and JJ. That’s reasonable. There are probably going to be a lot of people on the red carpet pressing them for the HOT GOSS. “Hey, relative of wrestlers: DID YOUR SISTER BANG THE JUNKYARD DOG OR WHATEVER?” Mom and JJ give some terse answers, so maybe it’s good that they’re getting media training. JJ in particular is combative to some of the questions the trainer is asking him, which of course makes Nikki nervous.
In the Las Vegas hotel, Naomi talks about how she never had a bachelorette party, either. Lana asks if Naomi has any regrets about getting married, because she’s projecting more than Florence Foster Jenkins. But anyway, they head downstairs to “Wet Republic,” which is a pool rave at the MGM Grand. The ladies get distracted by a woman with a cat-ear hat who is eating … you guessed it … too much tuna.
And in more HAPPENSTANCE, Lana again runs into Isiah at Wet Republic. He says he wanted to tell her how happy he is for her, because in the photos he sees, she and Rusev look like the happiest couple on Earth. She says she’s a little scared, and he says that’s normal and happens to everyone. He tells her that if she gets scared and feels like running, she should run to Rusev. She gives him a hug goodbye, and because she just got THE SWEETEST MARRIAGE ADVICE OF ALL TIME FROM THE LITERAL OLD SPICE GUY, she meets back up with her friends in tears.
Lana admits to them that she’s scared, and Naomi and Renee assure her that it’s going to fine. Naomi: “You’ve got a home together, you’ve got the hard shit out of the way.” Amen, man.
In L.A., Nikki is stressed out because she got extensions for the ESPYs and feels like they might be a mistake, and she’s already sick of having bad photos taken of her. JJ is sick of Nikki obsessing over stuff on her phone, so he just casually tosses her phone in the hot tub.
JJ, you are a penis. Even if that phone was a noticeably different one than Nikki was using earlier in the episode. That probably doesn’t mean anything.
At the Vegas hotel, Lana opens up to Rusev about her fears and concerns. She starts crying and says she’s worried that it might not work out, and she doesn’t want to get divorced. She doesn’t want her marriage to fail. She doesn’t know if her heart can handle this.
Rusev offers to postpone the wedding if she’s not ready. She wonders if he’ll still love her when she’s not pretty, and he says he cares about a lot more than her looks. Because he is nearly perfect. Rusev says it’ll be okay, it’s just frickin’ marriage. He says if they run into a problem, he’ll fix it, because “Rusev fixes everything.” Shit, move over, Lana. I’ll marry him. He finally makes her feel better and everything is great. They head out to a big old joint dinner at a fine dining establishment.
At dinner, Renee says she has some Las Vegas surprises for them, including a magician. Rusev immediately asks, “MINDFREAK?” because he’s a three-year-old who likes nothing more than Criss damn Angel.
The magician brings out some people in wrestling masks, including someone CLEARLY IN A SUPER DRAGON MASK. (And an Octagon mask, but who cares? LADY SUPER DRAGON.
The wrestlers unmask, and WHOOPS! It’s the married couple from all weekend before! Finally the overt work becomes an overt work on purpose, as the whole wacky gang of characters arrives, including the tuna lady. Because it was all a needlessly elaborate ruse by Renee.
Renee, I’m sorry, but you’re no Mr. Fuji. That series of ribs was garbage. Renee gives us a full recap of the master plan, because it was so good and … worth it, I guess? Okay, Renee. Glad you’re out all that money. You clearly wouldn’t have spent it on anything good, anyway. Everyone gives her a tepid round of applause, I guess as thanks for wasting their time and making an otherwise good weekend kind of needlessly dumb at point.
At the ESPYs red carpet, everything is fine. Of course it’s fine. Cathy Kelley is interviewing everyone; why wouldn’t it be fine?
John hosts the ESPYs, and everything goes off without a hitch. That’s it! I hope JJ paid for Nikki’s new phone.
Next week: it’s the midseason finale! Nikki will get her final CAT scan, and Dean Ambrose goes to Toronto to meet Renee’s family. Also, the WWE Draft.