Previously, on Total Divas: Nia Jax made like five million jerkoff motions, Nattie threw people under the bus indiscriminately, and we met Buddy Murphy. We also found out Miz and Maryse are getting a spinoff, which is very important.
YOU GET TO DRINK FROM THE FIRE HOSE
The Bellas and Nia Jax take a tour of a New York fire station during SummerSlam weekend, and it’s pretty wonderful. They scare themselves with sirens and lights, accidentally drench a bunch of cars with a fire hose, and generally are the Total Divas at a fire station. I love it. They announce they’ll be throwing a Sex and the City-themed party at said station, but really all I can keep thinking about is how I wanted to get the Total Divas version of this, and never got it:
Natalya Is The Worst At Everything, Part A Billion
Naomi and Natalya arrange to get voice/acting lessons from a vocal coach, and full-on ditch Lana on the way to that appointment (more on that in a bit). He teaches them how to do some warm-ups and how to project their voices. Natalya is bad at all those things, which is a great way to build up to her winning the Smackdown Women’s Championship at SummerSlam at the end of this episode.
Please, PLEASE enjoy the above clip, where someone who has been on national television every week for the past several years is unable to confidently say her uncle’s catchphrase to an empty theater. There is an even more soul-draining clip later in the episode where Nattie and Naomi fake-smack-talk in the middle of Times Square, and I am sparing you all from having to watch that, as I watched it once and my skeleton jumped clean out of my body from awkwardness. You’re welcome!
Come back, skeleton!
Nia Jax Reminds Us Why It’s Important She’s On The Show, And In WWE
Just like the extremely good episode where Alexa Bliss opened up about being triggered by people judging her style, Nia breaks down while on a shopping trip with Nikki and Brie. She opens up about her insecurities, and this is the first time it’s really brought out in stark detail that Nia DOESN’T look like anyone who has ever been part of Total Divas before. It’s good that she’s there, and it’s important that she’s there, both for Total Divas viewers and for WWE fans.
It’s also important to show that the Bellas relate deeply to what Nia goes through, and that all women pretty much universally share the experience of being judged for how they look, no matter what they look like. This was one of the most vital moments in the run of the show, and we’re all extremely lucky that Nia was chosen to join this cast. I look forward to what I hope are years of her being around for this.
I’m Really More Of A Charlotte
So I mentioned there would be a Sex and the City party, and like anything where there’s conversations about Sex and the City for multiple weeks, we are legally obligated to have one person break down which of their real-life friends is like which SATC character. Here, that weight falls to Nikki, who second-guesses herself, but eventually arrives at some strange hybrids. She does NOT, however, offer up that Mark Carrano is the Total Divas Mr. Big. (For the record, Scott Heisel is With Spandex’s resident Samantha.)
Whoops It’s A Porn Star
At the fire house Sex and the City party, Nia really, REALLY hits it off with a hot dude who just totally GETS her on a level that she didn’t expect. She’s pretty over the moon for him, but insists both to the viewers and to the other women that she didn’t kiss him, even after leaving the party with him, because it’s the first date and she’s not that kind of girl.
The next day, out at brunch with everyone, the Bellas take it upon themselves to Google Nia’s dreamboat and … whoops! Here he is just doing some porn, under the name that he gave her. Whoops! Accidental porn date! We are given the impression there will be no second date with a porn star, because Nia is also not THAT kind of girl. Not like most girls, as advertised!
Still, thankfully Nia isn’t too broken up about this revelation, because her hitting it off with a gorgeous dude has gone a long way toward her getting her confidence and/or groove back.
Nikki Whiffs On Big Match John’s Small Match
Remember when we thought John Cena vs. Baron Corbin at SummerSlam might be something … anything? And then Corbin failed to successfully cash in his Money in the Bank contract a couple days beforehand, and then had the most underwhelming match ever against Cena at SummerSlam? Well, neither did I! But this episode reminds us that Cena and Corbin opened the main card, and Nikki and Brie were still stuck in traffic when Big Match John went on. Whoops! Whoopsies all around for everyone this episode.
(It is implied that Nikki made it into the arena in time for the end of Cena’s match, but there’s no way they did given how short that match was, if they really started watching on the Network app while they were still in traffic.)
(Poor Baron Corbin.)
Let’s Just Be Mean To People For No Reason, Again
And let’s end this week with what’s actually the cold open of the episode: Nattie being mean to Lana for absolutely no reason other than she just doesn’t like her. Nattie, you stink. Do you dislike Lana because she’s capable of feeling genuine human excitement for things?
I’m sorry; that was probably too mean. I’m sorry for being mean to you for no reason, Nattie. Congrats on your Smackdown Women’s Championship. (See? That’s an example of how to be nice.)
It’s very surreal to be watching episodes of Total Divas that I was actually, like … around for. At least it only happens a couple times per season! We’ll catch y’all next week, when Lana becomes a farmer and Nikki begins her Dancing With the Stars journey.