Previously, on Total Divas: Natalya continued to be terrible at everything and to everyone, but won the Smackdown Women’s Championship at SummerSlam. Nia Jax made us very thankful that she’s here, and also possibly hooked up with a porn star accidentally.
Now let’s get on to the strangest and most sublime moments from season 7, episode 10 of Total Divas!
Get To Know Big Cassmella
I’m afraid I have some bad news. It looks like any significant time we spend with Carmella and Big Cass on this show will feature at least one instance of cringe-inducing freestyle rap. I’m sorry we all had to find out this way. Or any way, really.
The episode opens up with Carmella talking about how Big Cass has started his singles push, and the sky is the limit. That’s when Cass tears his knee to smithereens! Well, at least it happened right when they bought a new house together, and have to move in. That’s fun! We get to know Cass and Carmella and their home life a lot more, and see their nice big new house in Tampa.
Later, Cass invites Carmella’s dad and sister over, and as Cass and Carmella’s dad spend time in a separate room, Carmella’s sister gets it into her head that Cass is asking for their dad’s permission to marry her. What is actually happening is that Carmella’s dad is suggesting he can be Cass’ new manager. Once a worker, always a worker.
Being Champion Nattie Is Even Harder Than Being Regular Nattie
Things are rough for Nattie since she became Smackdown Women’s Champion. Rough, I tells ya! She’s paranoid she could lose it at any time, and is concerned she’s not doing well enough, and feels extra pressure that she’s representing the whole division now. … Even though she has been begging for the title and always acts as though she’s representing the whole division.
She’s also feeling the familial legacy, and gets her dad’s old Hart Foundation jacket out of storage. She’s made herself a jacket to match, now that she’s also a champion. They’re doing a good job this season of focusing on her dad as an important part of WWE history, rather than just her uncle Bret. She did some romping with her dad, interspersed with ordering her dad around and/or getting frustrated with him, and/or him spilling acai on his shirt. But at least we got a long-lost TJ reaction shot out of it!
Missed you, TJ reaction shots.
“I’m On Fricking Dancing With The Stars“
After being unable to participate the first time Dancing With the Stars came calling, Nikki gets a phone call while the Bellas and Bryan are doing a press appearance, and … she’s in! They’re in the midst of a media blitz for Birdiebee and their wine, and Nikki has to break the news to Brie that she unfortunately just got booked up for the next three months. Whoops!
Brie gets VERY offended that Nikki would just bail on all their business ventures like that, but Bryan talks some sense into her.
As it turns out, Dancing With the Stars can be used to buy many peanuts!
A House In Bulgaria; Sure, Why Not?
Rusev and Lana return to Bulgaria for the first time since their Bulgarian wedding to celebrate their anniversary. While they’re there, they decide to look for a second house. That classic bicoastal Tennessee/Bulgaria look.
But when they get there, they have differing opinions of what they want. Lana wants a mansion in the city, and Rusev wants a farm in the village! I think this is the exact plot of Son-In-Law, but I also haven’t seen that movie in a while. Rusev mocks Lana for not knowing how to handle country life, even though Lana grew up on a farm. So Lana makes a modest proposal: they’ll buy a mansion if she can complete his chosen farm challenges for her. Normal couple stuff.
“I’m A Professional Farmer”
The three challenges Lana must face are as follows:
1. Herd sheep
2. Chop wood
3. Milk a cow
So I guess they were hard up for time while shooting this episode. I’m surprised the second task wasn’t “successfully hold a stalk of wheat in your mouth.” Lana herds the sheep relatively easily, because herding sheep is … pretty easy when they’re already all hanging out in a semi-enclosed area. Lana isn’t AS good at chopping wood, but she’s also in terribly good shape, so she masters it quickly enough.
Before the final task, Lana learns that Rusev has been lying this whole time and doesn’t actually know how to do any of this stuff he’s made her do. She easily milks a cow, and then watches him struggle through doing the same thing. Basically, this is all great just for Lana’s repeated yelling of “I’M A PROFESSIONAL FARMER!” after completing tasks. But Rusev content is always wonderful, too.
They finish their trip at a village festival, where Lana sees all the endearing things that village life has to offer, and she tells Rusev she doesn’t need a mansion, and will be happy living anywhere he wants. That’s KIND of nice as a middle ground after she completely owned him, and it’s good that they have such an amenable relationship, but it kind of would have been nice if she’d been content to fully own Rusev and let him remain owned. He probably would have pouted for the rest of their lives, though, so big ups to Lana for knowing that.
It’s a shame Rusev had to be found out for all his lies on Rusev Day of all days.
That’s all for this week! We’ll see you next time, on the go-home show for the Royal Rumble, in a way! The two-part season finale begins next week, and I am in no way prepared for this to be over so soon.