Previously, on Total Divas: Nattie’s life got harder via champion things, Lana and Rusev journeyed to Bulgaria for Lana to become a professional farmer, and Nikki got a job on television. No; another one.
This is part one of a two-part season finale, so buckle up as big things start happening. Well, one big thing, and a nude Rusev.
Brie and Bryan are planning on making a move to Washington state, and they want to take a trip up there, but Bryan has been diagnosed with vertigo. (Various cast members will offer some variation of “Bryan has vertigo” roughly four dozen times during this episode.) Flying is out of the question, but Natalya (of course Natalya) has a great idea: road trip it! With Natalya’s two weird friends! More on them later! As it turns out, this journey in a beat-up old RV with two maniacs doesn’t turn out exactly how the Danielsons hope.
Stupid Sexy Rusev
Our amazing Lana and Rusev journey this week begins with Lana wearing a very small and loose camisole as she gets ready to head to the store, and Rusev is very upset at the amount of under- and side- and every-boob she’s about to show in public. She offers to put some tape on for the trip, and spills out as she does so, but Rusev is once again being a big prude about Lana both having it and flaunting it.
So Rusev devises a cunning, foolproof plan to passive-aggressively get back at her. It begins at phase one: mowing their front lawn in his Speedos.
The best part of this is Rusev saying hello to their neighbor, and their blurred-out neighbor being audibly uncomfortable at seeing so much Rusev. (Which, incidentally, is about the same amount of Rusev we normally see.) The motivations here are a bit suspect, as Rusev has established over many episodes that he enjoys wearing skimpy bathing suits and making others uncomfortable as much as, if not more than Lana. But there is a story to be told here about how Rusev is sticking it to Lana, so press on we must.
Finally, in the greatest callback in the history of the show, Rusev makes good on his throwaway threat to cook naked for his guests by NUDE GRILLING in his back yard.
Thank you, Rusev. Thank you, Total Divas, for this gift. Even though this is almost certainly “What’s My Age Again”-style nude underwear or modesty-pouch related producer nonsense, it’s still a tremendous visual with the blurs and Lana’s reactions.
Bless you all. Bless us all, everyone.
“I Got Cobwebs”
The “Nattie’s friends on this road trip are nuts” story really comes to a head when they start nosing in on the Danielsons’ business and conversations, and culminates with the above, incredibly gross (in context) conversation. Nothing worse than a stranger making a “cobwebs” joke. About themselves. Read the room, lady.
This all basically just serves as a good reminder to never take Nattie’s advice or assistance on anything, and to never make eye contact with anyone that Nattie knows, except for TJ. Because TJ is the best of all of us.
Farts And Recreation
Jon and Trinity have some rare time away from the road, so Jon arranges a lovely “staycation” for them. Only it’s a “staycation” that involves leaving their home and going to a nearby resort, so it’s just a normal vacation. The only rub here is that Trinity has some funky stuff going on with her tum-tum (medical terminology), and isn’t feeling great in any way.
She doesn’t want to ruin their great time, but she also doesn’t know how to tell Jon she’s feeling lousy, and is also feeling lousy, so she’s being quiet and sullen throughout. And farting a bunch during their couples massage. Hey, it happens. Jon gets angry with her at the beach, and their stay-vacation is ruined. Later, she apologizes and makes it up to him by making him dress up in a full football pads and helmet so they can do not-very-sexy roleplay sex. Everyone wins!
And in the biggest news of the week, obviously, Maryse finds out that she’s pregnant, but wants to tell Miz in person, and thus has to wait 48 hours for Miz to return home from all his WWE commitments. She springs the news on him while he’s grubbing on a sammy, and he just can’t believe it. They weren’t even trying! I guess every PART of Miz is awesome.
The screengrab way at the top of this post is on Maryse’s face the instant she hears her baby’s heartbeat for the first time via ultrasound. It’s incredible. They also find out that the due date of their baby is April 6 — two days before WrestleMania 34. Miz tries bargaining with the doctor, and thus with nature and biology, but a due date is a due date. So uh … odds are pretty good the Miz will miss the birth of his child! Bring on the spinoff!
That’s it for this week! Next week is the season finale, and … I am in no way prepared for that!