Over the weekend, news broke (via PWInsider) that Academy Award nominee Bradley Cooper had been offered the lead role in WWE Studios’ Pandemonium, a Vince McMahon biopic being co-produced by TriStar. They want a big name for the role, and while the news is currently “they offered it to him” and not “he is definitely playing Vinnie Mac,” we’ve decided to completely jump the gun and offer our A-list casting for most of the other important roles.
This is just a sampling of who we think should play who, so if this actually gets off the ground, look for future installments where we’re like, “uh, Anthony Hopkins playing Skinner! I don’t know!”
Vince McMahon – Bradley Cooper
Up first is the one WWE Studios has requested: The Hangover III star Bradley Cooper as Vincent Kennedy McMahon. I always thought Ray Liotta had more modern Vince in him, but if we’re heading back to the early-to-mid ’80s, you could do worse. Can Bobby Flay act?
Vince McMahon Sr. – Michael Keaton
If you’re making a movie about Vince Jr., you’ve gotta cast a heavy hitter for Vince Sr. I’d go with Michael Keaton, because look at them, and thanks to his role in The Founder, Keaton’s got experience playing game-changing businessmen. Whether that change is good or bad is up to the film and your interpretation, I guess.
Linda McMahon – Kristen Wiig
The early script leaks for Pandemonium didn’t do Linda McMahon any favors. Pun intended. And while I know they’re gonna go ridiculous and try to cast Kate Upton or Alexandra Daddario or Scarlett Johansson or someone as Linda, the best available casting would be Kristen Wiig. Plus, pretty sure Wiig could take a better tombstone.
Hulk Hogan – John Cena
You can’t tell the Vince McMahon story without Hulk Hogan, so why not cast Hollywood upstart and modern Hulk Hogan John Cena in the part? And as we’ve seen from his appearance on Maya and Marty, Cena’s got a pretty A+ Hogan impersonation. Bonus points if you cast Elle Fanning as Brooke and have Hogan get really upset about who she’s dating.
Macho Man Randy Savage – Michael Fassbender
Michael Fassbender likes playing debauched, eccentric and deeply disturbed characters who maintain an eerie calm, but lash out when their violent impulses come to the surface. If you add “gravely voice,” “tassels” and “Slim Jims” to that description, you’ve got Macho Man Randy Savage. Don’t you wanna see Michael Fassbender in starred underpants getting hyper and attacking John Cena?
Miss Elizabeth – Carey Mulligan
If we have a Macho Man and a Hogan, we have to have a Miss Elizabeth. In lieu of casting a lookalike, I thought long and hard about which famous actress would be able to best stand in the background looking terrified and sad about everything happening. Nobody tops Carey Mulligan in that department. She could make a birthday party feel like a funeral.
FYI we’re casting Lady Gaga as Sherri Martel, if it gets that far.
Lou Albano – Paul Giamatti
In a robotic King Kong Bundy suit! Just kidding.
Since we sadly can no longer get Lou Albano to play himself, bring in celebrated character actor Paul Giamatti, staple a few rubber bands to his face, give him a curly wig and have him bring the Captain to life. Bonus: the possibility of Paul Giamatti in red overalls “doing the Mario.”
Andre the Giant – Jason Segel
It’s the part he was born to play. With some reverse Hobbit visual perspective stuff (and a lot of apple boxes) (and enough time for him to gain 200 pounds), Jason Segel would make a great Andre the Giant. He’s already got the voice. And the look!
Mr. T – Rampage Jackson
Presumably you’ve got to get the entire WrestleMania I crew in there, so with Hogan set, we need a Mr. T. Who better to play Mr. T than Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson? He already played him once in The A-Team. Plus, it feels like an extended workout montage with Cena and Jackson is exactly what Vince McMahon would want in his biopic.
Roddy Piper – Chris Pratt
Finally — in this installment, at least — we have my favorite casting: Chris Pratt as Rowdy Roddy Piper. I want this casting so badly I’m willing to write my own Piper movie to make it happen. Why hasn’t he already remade They Live and Hell Comes To Frogtown?
Those are our choices for some of the roles, so pop down into our comments section to let us know how we did, and tell us who you think should play each of these roles. We’ll be back soon, I’m sure, with more A-list choices. And yes, that probably includes casting The Miz as Paul Orndorff.