In case you missed it, porn star Cherie Deville is legitimately running for President of the United States with rapper Coolio as her Vice President, a cabinet of situationally appropriate Instagram models, and Wrestling Superstar Virgil as her head of defense. With a WWE Hall of Famer already leading the Free World, we aren’t very many realizable steps away from a White House featuring the guy who used to stand in the background of Million Dollar Man promos and fan his money.
Shortly after announcing her campaign, Deville held a press conference in Hollywood to explain her positions — which are real, I feel compelled to remind you, and considered — and released video of the event. If you’ve watched it, we were there, and I event make an (audio) cameo. After the press conference, I went on the offensive with Deville’s head of defense.
Originally, I’d planned to write up the Virgil interview as one of those prestige longform pieces like the ones we did on Glacier or Diamond Dallas Page, where we frame the quotes with a narrative that sheds light on the subject’s legacy or personality. About midway through, I realized I’d have to just present Virgil’s dialogue as-is, because how do you top it?
I found myself sitting at a table in Hollywood with Wrestling Superstar Virgil and porn star Samantha Rone. The building was full of porn stars. You’d think that would get Virgil’s attention, but he couldn’t get over her bizarre, previously unimaginable lunch. Choosing to leave this first line intact.
Virgil: I don’t know what the fuck the flaky shit is.
With Spandex: All right, so-
Virgil: I’m like a old school guy. Just give me a goddamn like chicken or turkey, you know.
Samantha: It is turkey.
Yeah, it’s turkey in a croissant.
Samantha: Turkey and cheese.
Just think of it like a really fancy turkey and cheese sandwich.
Samantha: No? Just take a little bite.
Samantha: Look how little it is.
Virgil: I know, I see how little it is.
Samantha: Come on.
Virgil: Look real greasy.
(It goes on like that for a while.)
Talking to Virgil is an event. The first time I met him was at an event called “Wrestle Fan Fest” in 2008. He had his merch set up under a big sign that said MILLION DOLLAR MAN TED DIBIASE & VIRGIL, even though DiBiase was at another table across the room. Bill Hanstock and I had a long conversation with him about the Great Muta, and how the original Great Muta had died from AIDS, and had been replaced with a younger version. None of that was accurate, but he sold it. It was weird, and solicitous, and perfect Virgil.
For a guy who didn’t talk much when he was on WWF television, Virgil’s dialogue comes out like beat poetry. During the press conference, he namedropped his relationship with Donald Trump thanks to Trump’s longstanding relationship with WWE, and, of course, his love of the Olive Garden. He’d tie them together, then let the threads drift apart.