It’s about that time of the year where predicting the card for the biggest show of the year starts to become slightly less absurd. As soon as one begins to fantasize about who’s the last one standing at the Royal Rumble, your mind easily wanders over to April and before you know it, you’ve made up your mind about how you believe WrestleMania should be shaped.
Over at /r/SquaredCircle, a Reddit user with a screen name so embarrassing I feel awful typing it out but slightly less awful hyperlinking to it, is having their own WrestleMania Moment with a “Worst possible WrestleMania card” thread so chock-full of funny ideas that we’re highlighting the best with our own commentary over here at With Spandex to make the absolute worst possible WrestleMania card ever.
This is really pretty painful to put together as I want nothing but the best for WrestleMania in New Orleans. But this is also kind of therapeutic because it can’t really be this bad, right? Onward!
60 Minute Iron Man Match For The WWE Championship: Jinder Mahal (c) vs. Triple H
(submitted by DirkDiggler420)
The best part about this match would be the budget allocated for the entrances. Jinder would be carried to the ring by twelve elephants, and since Triple H would not sign off on being outdone he would probably do something crazy like replace the Saints logo with his own on their Super Bowl 44 banner.
Blindfold Match: Kevin Owens vs. Shane McMahon
(submitted by AnvilPro)
I can kind of talk myself into a match where Kevin Owens runs his mouth even more than usual because he can’t see anything but, y’all, blindfold matches are puke. Only way to make this one worse is to make it a tag team match.
Cruiserweight Championship Match: Finn Bálor vs. Enzo Amore
(submitted by DrRand)
This one doesn’t even seem that far fetched but you can feel how nails on the chalkboard this is for the WWE Universe. In one corner, a man people stopped liking extremely quickly once he stole focus from an under-appreciated division. In the other, a man who should be competing for the top title in the business. This one stings extra hard because once Finn goes 205 Live, he ain’t coming back.
The John Cena and Nikki Bella Wedding
(submitted by CaKe32g)
The last thing a six-hour show needs is filler like this. Hopefully when “broadcast Cena’s wedding” came up in a creative meeting, whoever is in charge of Network Specials grabbed it. WrestleMania doesn’t need this, despite many people who work in Stamford probably thinking the exact opposite. This Reddit user also had HHH as the Best Man and Katie Vick as the Maid of Honor. Yuck.
Inferno Match: Mojo Rawley vs. Kane
(submitted by Probably_Psycho)
Imagine being a huge WWE fan, going into a coma from summer 2016 to April 7th, 2018. You wake up and get to watch WrestleMania 34 and this match is the first thing you see. Do you go back into the coma? Do you watch something else? How good does this video package have to be to sell you on watching it?
Ric and Charlotte Flair vs. Vince and Stephanie McMahon
(submitted by cts44)
There is 100% a universe where this happens and a 0% chance of it being good. Sign me up for the promos and the video package, but I’m gonna run my phone battery down during the match itself. Best case scenario here is that Charlotte comes out looking like the most talented professional wrestler on the planet for making this work. Worst case scenario is everyone else gets seriously injured.
Oof. Those were extremely not good. What’s your worst-ever WrestleMania card? Pop over to the original thread to chime in or drop yours in the comments. Maybe the worse we make the card in our imaginations, the better it’ll be come April 8th.