We don’t know if you’ve heard, but WWE WrestleMania 32 airs live this Sunday, April 3, on WWE Network and somebody somewhere’s pay-per-view. The show is headlined by a WWE World Heavyweight Championship match between Triple H and Roman Reigns, a No Holds Barred Street Fight featuring Dean Ambrose and Brock Lesnar, and a Hell in a Cell match that may decide the fate of both the Undertaker and the entire WWE going forward. It’s gonna be big.
Here’s your complete WrestleMania 32 card.
WrestleMania 32 Card:
1. WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Triple H (c) vs. Roman Reigns
2. Hell in a Cell Match: Shane McMahon vs. The Undertaker
3. No Holds Barred Street Fight: Brock Lesnar vs. Dean Ambrose
4. Divas Championship Triple Threat: Charlotte (c) vs. Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch
5. Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match: Kevin Owens (c) vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder vs. The Miz vs. Stardust
6. United States Championship Match: Kalisto (c) vs. Ryback
7. The League of Nations vs. The New Day
8. The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
9. The Usos vs. The Dudley Boyz
10. The Total Divas vs. B.A.D. & Blonde
11. AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho
As always, here are our picks for the winners and what we think will go down on the Grandest Stage of Them All. Be sure to drop down into our comments section and let us know your picks, and why you’re picking them. WRESTLEMANIA, YOU GUYS.
AJ Styles vs. Chris Jericho
What Should Happen: Jericho gets to use his star power to put someone over at WrestleMania that isn’t Fandango. Styles and Jericho have been feuding more or less since Styles debuted, with their best and hottest match being the New Day Tag Team Championship challenge that ended with them violently splitting up. Hopefully this will be Jericho at his very best, Styles continuing to flourish in a WWE environment, and their best possible singles match.
What Will Happen: Styles takes the win. It’s his debut WrestleMania and he’s the one sticking around full-time, so there’s no better showcase for his skills than a grudge match against a future WWE Hall of Famer. All of the Styles/Jericho matches have been good, but this one should be great, with the added absurd bonus of AJ Styles competing at WrestleMania. Let’s hope this one shines and doesn’t get overshadowed by the ridiculousness (both good and bad) of the rest of the card.
Jessica Hudnall – Jericho gets the win after Finn Balor and the rest of the Projectile Pals distract AJ. Side note, I’m expecting Jericho to be in the Ricky Steamboat WrestleMania 25 role next year. It’s time, gang, it’s time.
Ross Bentley – Now that Jericho is free from his “rooty-tooty” BS that he feels the need to shoehorn in when he’s a good guy, and he can go back to calling people “Stupid Idiots” a million times and let his character act like he’s got something to prove in the ring, this match should be dope. My only hope is that they give it enough time to really be special. Styles will get the W either way, but this will be a low-key match of the night contender.
Austin Heiberg – In terms of attendance, AT&T Stadium is approximately three Wrestle Kingdoms stacked on top of each other, so let’s all take the opportunity to feel good for AJ Styles. He deserves the win, he’ll get it, and I think he’ll enter the WWE title picture before too long.
Justin Donaldson – I completely forgot this match was on the card. I’m still surprised they didn’t just fold these guys into the IC ladder match. It’s ‘Mania, so I’m sure these guys will figure out a way to improve on their past matches. Styles gets the win. Maybe we even get a Styles Clash.
Bill DiFilippo – God, a full-blown AJ Styles beatdown of Jericho would be the best, just because this super dope version of Jericho is so delightfully hateable that a whoopin’ would be perfect. Plus if Jericho loses, maybe he has to go into NXT to find someone who can beat Styles and oh hey look there’s a lightly-used Finn Balor that he can take under his cool dad wing. This is a scenario I would enjoy, because I am a person who sets high bars and wonders why I feel sad when they don’t get surpassed.
The Total Divas vs. B.A.D. & Blonde
What Should Happen: The “get everyone else on the show” match. At least it’s not a battle royal, right? There are a few places this could surprise people, especially if they keep it quick and dynamic. Lana is completely unproven and there’s the Eva Marie factor, so maybe this has been a long-con (even the NXT stuff) to get us in the right frame of mind to be blown away when Eva has Asuka-like in-ring skills. I’m kidding, but there are enough good wrestlers in the match to make up for the ones that aren’t. If we focus on them, we could have something.
What Will Happen: Tamina and Eva Marie trade forearms in the middle of the ring and get a standing ovation before hitting simultaneous strikes and collapsing. Seriously though, this feels more like a season ender for Total Divas than it does a WrestleMania match, and I assume 90% of the build is pre-taped stuff we’ll see in the fall. Everyone will get a moment to hit a move, probably all in a row. Team Total Divas takes it, if only to give Brie a nice moment.
Jessica Hudnall – None of the Total Divas people are any of the good characters from Total Divas (doting boyfriend Cesaro, catphobic R-Truth, Creep E Langston), so they gotta lose in extraordinary fashion. I’ve been out of the NXT loop, so I’m intrigued by The Cleaner, Kenny Emma-ga and I hope she whomps on a lot of Divas.
Ross Bentley – My immediate reaction to a 10-Divas pre-show match a month ago would have been that this would be the “run across the street and grab the pizza match,” but now I’m not so sure. I want to see Lana do her cool kick things in a legit match. I want to see if Ms. All Red Everything gets as many boos as Roman Reigns does. And of course, I want to see Evil Emma be the best wrestler in this match and just school everybody with her awesomeness.
Considering Brie is probably going away Monday (not to mention Total Divas #branding), they will let her get the pin and win here in her final match.
Austin Heiberg – Hey, Paige? SHIMMER 80 is the night before WrestleMania. If you want to jump ship to avoid this trainwreck, we’d all understand. Total Divas for the win here.
Justin Donaldson – I think this will pretty much be the same segment we saw on Raw on Monday. Everyone hits their finisher and it’s over. I’m going with the cast of Total Divas due to contractual obligations.
Bill DiFilippo – It seems kind of weird that WWE would have Lana go do her own thing and become a wrestler just for her to lose to a team with Eva Marie on it, no? At the same time, I have this dream where every woman on Total Divas gets eliminated except for Brie, she’s in a 1-on-5 situation, and then Daniel Bryan runs to the ring and basically wills her to victory. I’ll say that happens because I need Daniel Bryan in my life.
The Usos vs. The Dudley Boyz
What Should Happen: You know what might help the WrestleMania card? A classic tag team match. You can measure the excitement for this in negatives across the board, but this is the only straight-up tag team match on the show, so they should take advantage of it. Give us everything that’s good about tag team wrestling, don’t go too long with it, and put somebody through a table.
What Will Happen: I don’t know why I woke up so optimistic today, but this could be better than we’re expecting. The Usos are kinda good at having a ton of throwaway TV matches and then pulling out something surprisingly great on pay-per-view, and if you’re gonna do that anywhere, it should be at WrestleMania. I’m expecting a big table spot to pay off the weeks of table back-and-forth, and I’ll pick a Dudleys win since to keep from predicting a babyface sweep.
Jessica Hudnall – Breaking news: this match is canceled after the Dudleyz call Rikishi and he grounds his sons for inappropriate UCE’ing. Okay, fine, that’s just what happens in my action figure wrestling league. In reality, the Usos win, but Dudleyz put Jey through a table.
Ross Bentley – HOW IS THIS NOT A TABLES MATCH. The entire thing has been about tables. It’s all the people care about. We want to see the good guys do their jumping thingy onto the bad guys and put them through tables because the bad guys won’t use them anymore. Without it, this is just a regular smackdown match. I’ll take The Uso’s because, why not.
Austin Heiberg – I’m calling it right now: This is where The Rock gets involved. And as such, this is where I’ll take a trip to the concession stand for a 12-dollar Slurpee or something. Someone gets put through a table, The Great One calls somebody a Panda Express Fart, and the Usos win.
Justin Donaldson – Usos get the win, splash the Dudleys through some tables, and the crowd goes home happy. Uso crazy.
Bill DiFilippo – I predict that this is the match where I go to the bathroom and maybe take a nice 10-minute nap and perhaps even grab a slice of pizza. As for the winner, uh, I guess the Usos put both Dudley Boyz through a table?
The Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
What Should Happen: John Cena returns, then Cesaro returns and eliminates John Cena.
No, the build for the Andre battle royal has been mostly about Big Show, Kane and the Social Outcasts. Obviously the Social Outcasts aren’t winning (anything ever), so Kane and Big Show are your choices, right? The match was bumped up from the pre-show to WrestleMania proper recently, which makes me think there’s something special to it, whether it’s a big return, a retirement announcement, or both. If Show’s stepping away, giving him another win and making him a 2-time winner wouldn’t be a terrible idea. I mean, he IS the Big Show. If there’s anything he should still be winning, it’s this.
What Will Happen: The list of participants is pretty lackluster, so expect a surprise or two. I’m happy with anything I’m not expecting. Mark Henry getting a win to give him a solid goodbye in his home state of Texas is my safe pick.
Jessica Hudnall – The Monster Morty McMahon, actually Kane in a potato sack, emerges as entrant number 21 and cleans house, baybee! Actually, wait, scratch that. I’m calling for a joint Social Outcasts co-co-co-win. Heck yes!
Ross Bentley – Who is even in this at this point? It is like, half of the Wyatts, The Social Outcasts and every active wrestler over 40? Braun Strowman will probably win, I guess, but hoo-boy. I will be surprised if they find 20 active bodies who aren’t doing anything else to even be in this thing.
Austin Heiberg – I’ll take Heath Slater. Why the heck not?
Justin Donaldson – It’s hard to pick a winner in a match full of losers. I don’t know… maybe Kane gets another WrestleMania moment? I could see a returning Superstar like Cesaro winning this, but out of the announced participants, I dunno. I guess we’ll go with Kane. Though my heart’s with Curtis Axel.
Bill DiFilippo – A RETURNING CESARO LITERALLY PICKS UP EVERY SINGLE PERSON AT ONCE AND TOSSES THEM OUT IN UNISON.
Braun Strowman probably wins, sigh.
The League of Nations vs. The New Day
What Should Happen: As long as The New Day get a spectacular entrance, possibly involving them riding to the ring on white horses wearing unicorn horns — both them and the horses, to clarify — I for real don’t care what happens in the match. Give me them on unicorns, surrounded by a hundred school kids playing trombones. Do it.
What Will Happen: This is still being advertised as 4-on-3, which either means New Day’s getting a surprise fourth at the last minute to even the odds, or King Barrett doesn’t count as a person. This isn’t for the Tag Team Championship, so I’ll pick a victory for The Lads. They’ve got the Damned Numbers Game and there’s really no consequence to New Day losing, other than our mild, frustrated, temporary unhappiness.
Now that I think about it, I hope the League of Nations gets a big entrance, too. Does Rusev have access to three additional tanks?
Jessica Hudnall – Things are looking dire for The New Day, as The Damn Numbers Game starts to catch up to them. As things are looking bleak, Xavier Woods bleats out a few desperate notes of Lionel Richie’s classic “All Night Long” on Francesca II. HERE COMES RICHIE SWANN, NEWEST MEMBER OF THE NEW DAY! Swann + Unicorns = MOTHER EFFIN PEGASUSES, SON! New Day triumphs and then they high five me and we become best friends forever. THE END.
Ross Bentley – BOOOOO. As happy as I am that The New Day isn’t being shuffled off into a four or five team pre-show match, is this really the best use of them at WrestleMania after the year they’ve had? The titles not being on the line for some inexplicable reason feels to me like it’s going to lead to The Lads going over via shenanigans so they have an excuse to keep this going for another month.
Austin Heiberg – I keep seeing rumors that this WrestleMania is somehow going to be a huge platform for The New Day moving forward. Hey, as long as Kofi, Xavier, and Big E just continue to be themselves, that’s cool with me. They’ll triumph over The Lads here. Remember that it’s not a handicap match: Francesca is easily on equal footing with Wade Barrett right now.
Justin Donaldson – We’ve seen all these guys wrestle each other so much lately that I’ve lost all excitement for this match. I’m sure they’re going to pull out all the stops. New Day takes this easily.
Bill DiFilippo – Seeing as how this isn’t for the tag titles, I’m inclined to guess that League of Nations wins. Even though this group so desperately needs to be blown up so everyone can go do their own things, getting a win over New Day seems like it’d be good to give them, uh, something. Plus this has one of those “feud that never ends” feels about it, and my guess is that it’s easy to keep this going if LoN wins.
United States Championship Match: Kalisto (c) vs. Ryback
What Should Happen: The initial WWE World Heavyweight Championship tournament match between these two was surprisingly good, so my brain says they’ve got this spot to do a slightly better and more important version of that. I’m really interested to see where WWE wants to go with the United States Championship, and I hope it’s “Kalisto vs. John Cena” and not Ryback vs. Big Show vs. The Miz part the millionth. Pretty low expectations here, but at least the title’s being defended at WrestleMania, Kalisto’s getting a spotlight, and he’s not wrestling Alberto Del Rio.
What Will Happen: Ryback’s already kinda-sorta turned heel, but they haven’t really committed to it. My call here would be to have Kalisto pull off another surprise win, and let that send Ryback over the edge. If you want to build up Ryback as a WWE Championship challenge later, having him put the fear of God into Kalisto might be a good way to do it without switching the title. Make him a scary bully again, and spend all your time — all of it — between now and your championship match having him absolutely maul everyone. Even good wrestlers. ESPECIALLY good wrestlers. Wins and losses don’t matter, I guess, but they do in short bursts. If we watch a guy lose and then challenge for something bigger, we’re mostly going to assume he’ll lose.
Note: I am trying to come up with something here other than, “I hope Ryback cuts another 20 minute promo explaining comic book movies.”
Jessica Hudnall – Ryback wins.
Ross Bentley – Hey, remember last year when John Cena and Rusev for the U.S. title was one of the biggest matches on the card? Good times. Kalisto is doing what he can with his reign, but putting him into a feud with The Ryback and having him wrestle the worse half of The Ascension on Raw is not doing him any favors. Hopefully (and I think it will happen) he gets a decisive win here to help maintain the small bit of momentum he has left.
Austin Heiberg – Do me a favor and schedule your bathroom break for THIS match, not the Divas title match. I don’t know, pretend it’s Terri Runnels versus The Kat or something. Kalisto retains.
Justin Donaldson – Kalisto all the way in what should be a good match. They had some pretty good matches back in November, one in the WWE World Heavyweight Championship Tournament. So Don’t be surprised if these guys have another good match this weekend.
Bill DiFilippo – did u no dat teh ry back is big nd kal listo is small? big > smal. feed the ryebak moar.
(I really am not excited for this match, you guys. Kalisto should win, though.)
Intercontinental Championship Ladder Match: Kevin Owens (c) vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Sin Cara vs. Zack Ryder vs. The Miz vs. Stardust
What Should Happen: The other five competitors realize it’s kinda crazy to have a match this big and allow Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn to have a singles ladder match for the Intercontinental Championship at WrestleMania. There’s always Payback, guys.
What Will Happen: Hey, it’s still technically Owens and Zayn at WrestleMania. How cool is that? I’m going to pick Owens to retain, both because the show is heavy on babyface victories (I’m guessing) and because Owens as Intercontinental Champion is a beautiful thing we need more of. Plus, you can use this match to get a bunch of people on the card and have it be crazy exciting while still letting it be a sort of placeholder for more focused, singles feuds throughout the spring. Even if that’s just Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler again.
Jessica Hudnall – My individual predictions are as follows: Miz grimaces a lot, Ryder tries and fails to conceal his ‘oh snap I’m on WrestleMania’ boner, Sin Cara recreates a new Legacy glitch by getting stuck inside four ladders at once, anything Sami does results in people nervously cringing that he might have gotten hurt again, Stardust works his ass off, Kevin Owens says a totally hilarious thing, and Dolph Ziggler is there, too!
Ross Bentley – This is going to be a lot of fun, but honestly, there’s like 1 1/2 guys who have any chance of winning this. There really is no rational explanation for why the U.S. title couldn’t have had all these guys in a Ladder Match and Owens and Zayn couldn’t get their chance to steal the show, but whatever. Owens will win in the end and hopefully move on to the next stage of his blood feud with Sami at Extreme Rules.
Austin Heiberg – We were so close, gang. So close. Sami Zayn showed up at the Royal Rumble, eliminated Kevin Owens, and then re-emerged in February to name himself a contender for the Intercontinental Championship. My brain turned into a constant loop of the Ron Paul “IT’S HAPPENING” GIF. We were on the road to Savage/Steamboat for a new generation. Then, Dolph Ziggler and The Miz reminded the world that they exist, and I went up a few DEFCON levels. Then, in his infinite wisdom, Owens got three more goobers involved, and now we’ve got a new entry for next year’s WhatCulture video on 11 More Times WrestleMania Got It Wrong. And you can have it all, my empire of dirt. Zayn will still win and we’ll all feel great about it, because he’s Sami Zayn and he’s awesome. But just remember, it also could have been legendary.
Justin Donaldson – Kevin Owens is the only man who should walk out of Dallas with the IC belt, and I think he will. If last year’s Intercontinental Ladder Match is any indication, we’re in for another pretty quick spot-fest. I think Sami will get close, but in the end, Owens will figure out a way to leave with the belt.
Bill DiFilippo – Outside of Sin Cara, I’d be cool with just about anyone winning this one. I’ll flip flop on this between now and the start of ‘Mania about 300 times, but I think the right thing is to have Sami and Owens fight on top of a ladder, Owens does “Kevin Owens is the worst person on Earth” things to dispose of Sami, and Owens wins. Any way, the big thing I hope this match achieves is it sets up a KO/Sami feud. And it gives Dolph Ziggler a nice moment or two before he starts his stand-up career.
Divas Championship Triple Threat: Charlotte (c) vs. Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch
What Should Happen: SASHA BANKS in capital letters.
What Will Happen: News has already broken that this will be the swan song of the Icing by Claire’s butterfly belt, so let’s send it out with the best damn women’s wrestling match WrestleMania’s ever seen. Any conclusion is a good one if the match delivers — there’s zero reason to believe it won’t — but I would very, very much like to see Sasha Banks winning the new Women’s Championship in her WrestleMania debut.
Jessica Hudnall – I’m of course taking Bossha Banks because duh and of course.
Ross Bentley – This has gotta be Sasha’s time. Charlotte has been doing excellent heel work since making the move, but there are lots of other divas for her to have a side feud with during The Boss’ first championship run. Becky is great, but she doesn’t quite have that connection yet with the crowd. Sasha Banks is everything, and I will riot in my living room if she doesn’t get to win the championship on the biggest night of her career.
Austin Heiberg – This is the one that’s going to make me the most nervous. I’m going to be sitting up in the cheap seats, somewhere by the roof of AT&T Stadium, shaking in anticipation of what happens if they get this right. If Charlotte, Becky, and Sasha pull this off, it’s going to be the reboot that we all desperately wanted. As for the winner, I’m going with Sasha. Eddie Guerrero was her hero, and she’s going to lie, cheat, and steal her way to the title. Becky will eventually have her time, and it’s going to be rad in its own right. I know these three can pull off a show-stealer, it’s just up to 90,000+ fans in Dallas to not be assholes and support the journey.
Justin Donaldson – I feel like Sasha makes Charlotte tap out and becomes the new Women’s Champion in what looks like it could be the best pure wrestling match of the night.
Bill DiFilippo – This match is going to rule and I hope it gets like 20 minutes and Sasha is going to win. Becky winning seems like it would be the biggest surprise, but my fear is she’s the one who gets pinned/taps out and then fades into a weird zone of nothingness where she’s not in the title picture, but she’s not a Total Diva™, either. Charlotte loses the title and Ric Flair leaves to be a cool, but weird old man elsewhere. Anyway, Sasha is about to be the women’s champion and I’ve never been more excited for anything ever.
No Holds Barred Street Fight: Brock Lesnar vs. Dean Ambrose
What Should Happen: Dean Ambrose with a revved-up chainsaw in one hand and a barbed-wire bat in the other facing off against a dual-fire-axe-wielding Brock Lesnar. Either that, or Lesnar clotheslining Ambrose at the bell and then throwing his entire wagon full of weapons down the ramp. This should be a match we talk about for a very long time, Ambrose’s official rise to superstardom and WWE’s best-ever chance for comical movie chainsaw violence. Let’s give Paul Heyman a prosthetic head Ambrose can chop off and scare the ever-loving sh*t out of 100,000 people.
What Will Happen: Fun and violence. Everything we’ve seen from Ambrose over the past few months says he’s ready to step up and deliver something beyond expectations, and a motivated-by-doing-something-fun Brock Lesnar is one of the best wrestlers in the world. I hope the entire match isn’t “German suplex, struggle to grab a weapon, hit some weapon shots, German suplex, repeat,” but even that wouldn’t be so bad. I’m picking Ambrose to go down swinging like a star (like a Mankind at King of the Ring ’98 kind of star), but Lesnar to win. Don’t ruin this, remaining Wyatts!
Jessica Hudnall – We know from experience that Brock has only one weakness, and I don’t think Ambrose has the funds to get a submarine and a shrink ray to attack Lesnar’s intestines. Chainsaws and barb wire just make Brock mad, and when he’s mad, he rips cars apart like a Final Fight bonus stage. He’s also got experience dealing with wacky guys, because he whomped Heath “The Texas Crazy Horse” Herring into retirement. A few lucky fans might go home with more than just a souvenir chair, they might get a chunk of Dean Ambrose’s corpse after Brock literally slaughters him.
Ross Bentley – I think this could be the match of the night, and I’m not even a huge Dean Ambrose guy. I have a feeling that there might be some serious throwbacks to the non-PG era here. I’m talking color, and probably some head shots with weapons (although hopefully it won’t be anything too unprotected). Plus, Ambrose might murder Paul Heyman with a chainsaw. You can’t put Brock Lesnar in a No DQ match at WrestleMania and NOT have it be the most violent thing ever.
Lesnar will win, but Ambrose will gain his respect for taking the beatings and getting back up time after time.
Austin Heiberg – I’m somewhat inclined to give this to Brock on the grounds that he’s God’s chosen weapon among the human race, but when Dean started collecting the Triforce of Hardcore from roaming legends, I realized that Ambrose was the pick here. Don’t spit into the wind, don’t tug on Superman’s cape, and don’t pick against the guy Terry Funk endorses.
Justin Donaldson – Ambrose seems so unstoppable right now. With literally anything in play, between weapons, stunts, and the Wyatt Family, I think Ambrose finds some way to pull this match out.
Bill DiFilippo – If Dean Ambrose doesn’t use the chainsaw in an attempt to slice Brock in half vertically, he loses this match. Considering that using a chainsaw to slice someone in half vertically is a crime in – *Googles “states where chainsaw murder is illegal”* – everywhere, Brock wins.
Hell in a Cell Match: Shane McMahon vs. The Undertaker
What Should Happen: What the hell do you even say about this match? There’s so much happening. Shane McMahon is back after a 6-year absence and has kinda-sorta blackmailed his family into giving him a position of power, but he also still has to earn it by wrestling the most impossible-to-beat wrestler at WrestleMania in history at WrestleMania in the dude’s signature match. If Shane wins, he gets control of “Raw” (which also means WWE?) and promises to rid WWE of his family and The Authority. Also if Shane wins, Vince McMahon says it’ll be Taker’s “last WrestleMania.” But if Shane’s in power afterward, can’t he just win, overrule that and make sure we still have Undertaker WrestleMania matches?
Not a lot of this makes sense, but there’s a good chance someone’s falling from a very high place, and that’s both scary and compelling. So let’s hope WWE’s figured out their best-ever spectacle brawl and are ready to give it to us.
What Will Happen: … this has got me stumped. There’s so much you can predict, from run-ins and returns and huge spots to the full-on actual storyline future of the company. More happens if Shane wins, but the image of Undertaker vanquishing Vince’s new enemy, watching Vince dance and be happy about it and then him Tombstoning Vince seems like the most obvious ending. I’ll give Taker my official pick, with my brain hoping Shane O’ Mac wins and shakes everything up. This is gonna be … something.
Jessica Hudnall – Well, I thought this would be a terrible match since Shane’s whole Thing was falling off high stuff, and I assumed (like a stupid idiot) that Shane was too old to fall off high stuff. He proved me wrong on Raw, but sheesh, he still throws the worst f*cking punches in the world. Matt Riddle’s cross country skiing punches look better. Boxing cats throw hands better than Shane O’Mac. I’m going to say that in his darkest hour, Shane gets help from an angel. Or, rather, angels, as the Mean Street Posse shows up to rough up Undie. Shane wins because a split sounds like fun.
Ross Bentley – I know the stip here is that The Undertaker can never wrestle again at WrestleMania if he loses, but, like, no one at all is buying that, right? This has interference written all over it. The finish here will come when none other than the star of American Grit himself, John Cena makes a run-in and costs Undertaker the match, therefore setting up Taker’s final bout at WrestleMania 33 and eliminating Cena’s rival The Authority from power in the process.
Also, Shane McMahon will probably jump off of the Jerry World scoreboard because he is a crazy person.
Austin Heiberg – First of all, I want to say how jealous I am of my friend Emily. WrestleMania is her first live pro wrestling show ever, and she gets Hell in a Cell. That’s a stupidly high bar to set. As for the match itself, WrestleMania and the cell are still the domain of The Undertaker. Brock Lesnar is a statistical anomaly, so he doesn’t really count in ‘Taker’s W/L stats. I love me some Shane highspots, but the Deadman still gets the victory here.
Justin Donaldson – I’m sure we’re looking at a half hour of crazy stupid spots, with Undertaker dominating Shane. In the end, I think Undertaker locks eyes with Vince McMahon and lays down in the ring, letting Shane defeat him, giving Shane control of the company and bringing an end to The Undertaker’s career.
Bill DiFilippo – First things first, I’m legitimately terrified that someone is going to get severely injured and it will put a damper on how fun this match should be. Besides that, I’d guess Undertaker wins, but before he leaves the ring he, like, chokeslams Vince or something. No matter what, it’s probably safe to assume that there is some amount of shenanigans. Which shenanigans? I don’t know! But shenanigans.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Triple H (c) vs. Roman Reigns
What Should Happen: Good lord. We’re finally to whatever the opposite of a Fireworks Factory is.
Look, here’s what we know. We know Triple H is a great big-match performer who doesn’t have a great history with WrestleMania main-events, Mania XX notwithstanding. Even that one got ruined. We know that Roman Reigns is a better pro wrestler than most people give him credit for and already proved that he could hang in a surprisingly great Mania main last year, but will probably not have the crowd on his side. So you’ve got a guy working too hard against a guy facing insurmountable odds, and it comes down to WWE creative finding the solution to make that work.
I’m so excited to watch this match and see what goes down. I always fantasy book Shield reunions, but what if this ended up like Triple H vs. Sting, except instead of DX and the nWo it was everyone? Triple H has The Authority backing him, and even though they don’t really have a base stable of wrestlers anymore, they’ve got enough allies to make it work. Send out The Lads or whatever. Have a bloody, broken Dean Ambrose and a splintery Usos out there trying to help Reigns. Then have Seth Rollins show up, obviously on the side of The Authority, and be the one who helps Roman win. If you want a guaranteed shot of a WrestleMania crowd loving Roman Reigns holding the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in a shower of confetti, put Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins behind him.
What Will Happen: Spear, pin, confetti, and a whole lot of turned-off crowd mics? Roman wins, for better or worse. And if he doesn’t, I’ll be excited to see how and why.
Jessica Hudnall – Look, I’m trying not to be dismissive of this and lean super heavily on “heh, I don’t care, I don’t watch, I’m so cool” jokes, but cheese n’ peas, I see those words on the card and my brain just starts running emergency shutdown protocols. My brain wants Triple H to let a guy he didn’t go to high school with be the champ, but my heart is just hissing and spitting at Roman Reigns like a feral cat. If I can’t get Seth Rollins in a mech suit to VWOOMP-VWOOMP in, I’ll go with Triple H to retain because I prefer gloating Steph and Trips to huffy and mad.
Ross Bentley – My boldest prediction for this match is that it will not go on last. Reigns is going to have his coronation whether we all like it or not, but I think the crowd response has achieved at least one thing, and that’s the show not ending with universal boos from 100,000 people. Besides, if Shane wins the Hell in a Cell match, isn’t Triple H quitting wrestling or something? This should probably be the first match of the night just to get it out of the way.
Austin Heiberg – This isn’t a title match, it’s a study in corporate sociology. Can an entertainment company restructure their marquee event on the fly? Is your corporate champion, now in his mid-40s, enough of a miracle worker to pass the torch to a widely rejected successor? Is it ultimately damning if WrestleMania ends in a shower of boos? This main event has me feeling less like a wrestling fan and more like the Joker about to set fire to a huge pyramid of cash. Roman Reigns wins, because some men just want to watch the world burn.
Justin Donaldson – I’m going to swing for the fences on this one. Here’s a crazy prediction. Triple H wins after interference by Dolph Ziggler. Ziggler turns heel and helps Trips retain. Their Raw match a few weeks ago led to Ziggler finally giving up and joining The Authority, but led to Triple H finally respecting Ziggler. The next night on Raw after WrestleMania, Triple H announces that he’s going back to being COO of the company, and hands the belt over to your new corporate champ, Dolph Ziggler. But probably Roman Reigns with a spear and a clean three count?
Bill DiFilippo – I can’t convince the part of my brain that handles all things related to logic that Roman Reigns will walk out of WrestleMania as a champ. The dude needs to be fixed, and while I don’t know how they plan on doing it, I know that he can’t do it as the champion. I’ll bet Triple H retains, but drops the title the following night on Raw to Ambrose, which sets up a Roman heel turn. (I will not actually bet on any of this happening, but I would like it to happen very much.)