In celebration of
Elimination Chamber No Way Out St. Valentine’s Day Massacre WWE Fastlane, I’ve enlisted the hearts and minds of four funny people who happen to be diehard wrestling fans.
These are the hard hitting questions about the pay-per-view event that none of us would be watching if we weren’t already shelling out $9.99 a month. This is the most controversial quiz of all time about the pay-per-view event that we might just read the results of. This is the most gutsy examination of the pay-per-view event where there are almost no stakes whatsoever (except for that one match, sure).
Let’s meet the participants:
Martin Morrow is a comedian and producer of Comedians You Should Know from Chicago as seen on NBC’s Last Comic Standing. He tours with The Second City and plays with 3Peat and you can follow him at @martinMmorrow.
Lauren Vino is a comedian, writer and wrestling fan based out of NYC. She’s trained at House of Glory Wrestling School in Queens and lived to write about it at MTV News. Follow her on Twitter at @LaurenVino.
Scotland Green is a comedian living in New York City. His favorite Spirit Squad member is Mikey. Follow him on Twitter @ScotlandGreen.
On to the questions:
What’s a better name for the Fastlane pay-per-view?
Martin Morrow: The Obligatory Pay-Per-View Before WrestleMania with a Bunch of Matches You’ve Already Seen. Or “WWE Apology.”
Scotland Green: Rest Area on the Road to WrestleMania. A little long, but I think it fits.
Lauren Bencaz: Let’s Stall & Try To Make More Money Before WrestleMania.
Lauren Vino: Road Work Ahead. Construction Zone. This year, they should just call it Safety First.
Let’s say you have a $100,000 budget to throw a Fastlane watch party. Whatcha got?
Martin Morrow: I’d rent out John Cena’s mansion and try and convince Sunny to make another movie with it on in the background. We’d call it Fast Lynn.
Scotland Green: First order of business: hire Marty Jannetty as a bartender. I bet he’s fun and has a generous pour. The other $999,900 goes to gummy bears and pizza rolls. It’s Fastlane, man. Not Mania!
Lauren Bencaz: Invite 15 of my closest friends. Have my cat custom fitted with a wrestling outfit of her own. Outfit all my guests with their own wrestling outfits. Buy 15 of every item at Taco Bell. Get a keg of Baja Blast Mountain Dew. Put the rest in savings.
Lauren Vino: First, I’d try to buy Rollins a new ACL and, when that doesn’t work, I’d probably rent out a local arena with a ring and projector for the match and invite friends and local wrestlers alike. Whatever wasn’t spent on food and booze would go to hiring wrestlers for an after party to wrangle some pick up matches and keep everyone in line so no one gets hurt. That seems easier than going to Cleveland.
If you could replace any current WWE pay-per-view with a discontinued one, what would it be?
Martin Morrow: Bash at the Beach just to see if they’d do a set or if they’d have a beach-themed pay-per-view in like Des Moines with no real connection. Just a backstage segment with Vince McMahon spraying Titus O’ Neil with a Super Soaker and vociferating about the Civil Rights Movement.
Scotland Green: I’m actually legitimately surprised that WWE doesn’t run a Halloween Havoc show every year. It would be great. Costumes! Spooky set with skeletons and spiderwebs! Buried Alive matches! C’mon, Vince! Get rid of either Battleground or Payback. Flip a coin.
Lauren Bencaz: No Way Out because I really liked those t-shirts.
Lauren Vino: King of the Ring, but done right. A proper KOTR reboot seems appropriate given news of (King) Wade Barrett’s departure. It would be great to have that title mean something for up and coming talent, and not just a silly outfit to wear.
Complete this sentence. At the the end of Fastlane, I hope I ______.
Martin Morrow: …get surprised and we’re set up with Dean Ambrose vs. Triple H at WrestleMania. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM DANIEL BRYAN?!
Scotland Green: …see Fandango take his rightful spot as the leader of the #SocialOutcasts. The prophecy must be fulfilled!
Lauren Bencaz: …the match between the Wyatt family, Ryback, Kane & Big Show just ends up with everyone hugging it out.
Lauren Vino: …see Ambrose turns heel on Reigns which will set him up to do some dark, but awesome promos with Lesnar and Heyman, and further feed the feud with the Wyatts in between Lesnar appearances leading up to Mania. The Wyatts interfering won’t be a surprise, but it seems like they’re setting up Ambrose to do more than talk about grabbing beers after the match with Reigns.
Share your answers in the comments, yes?