Previously on WWE Friday Night Smackdown: We were ready for a good time, so we got ready for the night time. The Rock showed up to call Baron Corbin a dookie poo-poo butt-face, Shane McMahon was ousted from his position of authority (we think), and Sting was advertised but didn’t show up. I’m blaming the nWo.
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Here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Friday Night Smackdown for October 11, 2019.
Drag Me To Hell
Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins, who in 2019 have Freaky Friday‘d the reactions they get from WWE crowds, open the show. Reigns vs. Rollins is almost always great, as they know everything there is to know about one another and are dynamically motivated when paired up in the ring as friends or foes. There’s even a major consequence set up: the winner will earn the first pick in the WWE Draft, informing the basic structure and look of their brand going forward. After the Hell in a Cell main event finish, all you really need to do to get through the “weeeehhhh” reactions Seth Rollins is getting is have him wrestle a dope match against a fun opponent, and give it a clean finish.
Yeah, so, about that.
Vince McMahon isn’t upset about the reaction to the Hell in a Cell finish, he’s actually laughing!
WWE’s got so little respect for its audience that it follows up the most unpopular thing they’ve done on pay-per-view this year by doing it again on Smackdown. The match for the first pick in the draft ends in a No Contest because The Fiend showed up, threatened Rollins, and ultimately did nothing. It’s not the first time we’ve seen someone get “dragged to Hell,” or the first time we’ve seen someone get dragged into a smokey crater and crawl back out scared, or even the first time we’ve seen a supernatural character with red mood-lighting try to pull a frightened Seth Rollins down through a hole in the ring. WWE’s new mission statement is, “if you haven’t seen it, it’s new to you!”
Later in the episode they clarify that Rollins actually won by disqualification because of Fienderference, which feels great after watching them blame the audience for Hell in a Cell and backpedal through a bunch of “obvious” excuses. They think we’re stupid. Even worse, they think we’re stupid for watching their shows. It makes sense, though, given the weird mainstream acceptance begging and shame cycle we’re stuck in.
From this week’s Best and Worst of Raw:
I wanted to start off the column with this and use it to explain the kind of Raw we got on Monday; an episode where the company’s ashamed of the pay-per-view they just had, ashamed of the pay-per-view they’re about to do, and under the assumption that any content between this and the draft is worthless because they’re just going to hit a “reset button.”
So … [confused shrug].
So … [continued shrugging]
Draft Me To Hell
It turns out the role of the celebrity guests participating in the WWE Draft discussion is to send in pre-tapes where they’re like, “When you’re talking about [wrestler name], you’re talking about [wrestler’s catchphrase]. It’ll be interesting to see what happens!” WWE might as well have dropped two grand into a Cameo account and had Caitlyn Jenner and the Most Interesting Man in the World send in clips. Hell, Troy Aikman will say anything you want for 500 bucks.
The best part of the entire thing was Cleatus the Football Robot showing up in the Fox “war room.”
They need to do a segment where Sting actually shows up as advertised, but gets locked in a cage by The O.C., or whoever. He calls out for Robocop but doesn’t get an answer, and then Cleatus the Football Robot shows up, bends the bars of his cage, and sets him free. Until then, I eagerly await draft night two, featuring Frank Thomas and his big dick energy showing up and stealing Lana away from Bobby Lashley.
As for the actual drafting, it’s hard to have an opinion on it when it’s “night one” of a two-night draft. Full rosters haven’t been decided yet, trades can still happen per Jay Glazer’s contribution to the celebrity highlight reel, and they can draft “final rosters” on Monday and still be like, “whoops, actually we made a last second trade,” two weeks later. Aleister Black, I’m looking in your direction.
I will say that the WWE Draft should’ve been a standalone special instead of cut up in the middle of a throwaway Smackdown. There’s a reason why the NFL doesn’t hold the NFL draft in the middle of a game, and why the Academy Awards doesn’t happen in the middle of a movie.
[Extremely Sheamus Voice] FILLER!
Here’s another Chad Gable vs. Baron Corbin plus stupid names match. I hope we can have five or six more before the end of the month to see where their rivalry is going!
Kofi Kingston’s WWE Championship run was sacrificed in seconds and he was pushed back down the card without a rematch or even the desire to have one so WWE could randomly involve their top title in a match performed for the benefit of the Saudi royal family, built on a UFC feud from nine years ago. I’m sure somebody’s into this. The match might even be good, if we were gonna watch it. Fuck the Saudi shows.
Plus, you know the situation’s rough when you’ve got Rey Mysterio cutting your promos for you. And while we’re on the subject …
Best: A Breath Of Fresh Hair
Finally, we have the moment that saves the show.
2015-2016: mentally 9-10 year old innocent Bayley who is friends with children
2017-2019: mentally 11-13 year old Bayley who is depressed all the time and falls victim to peer pressure
This Smackdown: PISSED-OFF MENTALLY 16-YEAR OLD BAYLEY WHO HATES THESE BAYLEY BUDDIES AND WANTS TO GET A HAIRCUT SO SHE CAN LOOK OLDER AND SCREW YOU, MOM, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HER
Bayley finally goes full Bayley Dark by murdering her cadre of wacky waving inflatable arm-flailing tube men with a homemade pick-axe (?), chops off her ponytail because she was defeated in battle like a Dothraki Khal, and wins back the Smackdown Women’s Championship. To make things even better, she gets on the mic and announces, “Hey bitches, screw all of you.” YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD, WWE UNIVERSE, ONLY IZZY AND MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE UNDERSTAND ME.
I’m gonna shed a tear over the thought that the two purest characters in the history of NXT are currently the most hateful characters on the main roster, and eagerly look forward to when Bayley mentally grows up enough to go to college and realize there’s more to life than her stuff little WWE hometown and her mean best friend. Maybe she can study in NXT UK for a semester, get really into weed and Dostoyevsky, and fall in love with Rhea Ripley.
“and then Cathy showed up
and we hung out
trading swigs from a bottle
all bitter and clean
twin high maintenance machines”
I am gonna make it through this show if it kills me.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
I’m here and ready for KISHIN BAYLEY.
I hope Fox does not end up with Bray Wyatt. Look what they did the last time they had a Firefly show on Friday nights.
The Real Birdman
Tube men put up more of a fight than Kofi Kingston
I think that shot of Fox acting all disappointed was actually their reaction to getting Lacey Evans.
When I was 17, me and my 14 year old cousin snuck beers and got drunk and made out while our parents got drunk downstairs at a Christmas party.
That didn’t happen but I’m trying to think of something more embarrassing than saying “I scripted this episode of Smackdown”
All of my favorite WWE Superstars have ended up… horribly misused.
Baron Von Raschke
I would like to draft Cole’s habit of reading long verbatim quotes from talent over action in the ring and send it into deep space where alien civilizations will hear it and realize that Earth should be left completely alone.
I hope Cain Velazquez gets drafted into a t-shirt.
Tyson Fury’s speaking voice makes him sound like he works for the Ministry of Silly Walks.
Bayley wants to see your manager
That’s it for this week’s edition of Friday Night Smackdown. Only about a month and a half to go until Crown Jewel and Survivor Series are over, and we can maybe get back to writing these episodes like normal wrestling shows. Hopefully the robot sticks around. Have him start hooking up with Drake Maverick’s wife.
Anyway, thanks for reading, as always. Drop us a comment in our comment section below, give us a share on social media to help us out, and be here on Monday for night two of the draft. It’ll be like Smackdown, only produced by the USA Network! Hooray!