Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Elias played the alphabet for children because he was hungry, Sasha Banks and Bayley finally came to blows instead of passive-aggressiving each other to death, and John Cena wrestled Kane in a Raw main event in 2018.
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Here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 2, 2018.
UFC Minus, Or “The Safest, Least Consequential Raw They Can Manage”
WrestleMania is this weekend, so Raw is in creative and safety lockdown. That means every single segment on the show is the equivalent of a “watch what happens this Sunday!” video package, and every feud is “advanced” by having the participants in the matches fight a little bit with nothing really happening. I get it, I really do, but it doesn’t make for thrilling television.
The show opens with a 20+ minute Q&A with Kurt Angle, Jason Jordan’s sister Ronda Rousey, Triple H, and sudden threatening bad-ass Stephanie McMahon. It’s a 20-minute conversation that feels like 40 and covers all the bases they’ve already covered. The match is happening. Rousey is “the baddest woman on the planet.” WWE is the Authority’s life. Triple H has pinned Angle a lot. Rousey’s gonna rip off Stephanie’s arm. When it’s over, they do UFC style match photos that they never do — people just end up face-to-face in the middle of the ring for WrestleMania video packages, it’s not a “press event” — because despite WWE being in everybody’s blood, they want you to think of the other thing.
Rousey has dominated the Authority (and everybody else) since showing up, so this is the week she has to get beaten up. Trips takes a cheap shot and knocks Angle out with one blow, because Triple H is straight up Kurt Angle’s daddy, and Ronda goozles him. That leads to Stephanie sneaking up and hitting the trademark John Cena chokeslam on Rousey, putting her through a table. If this week’s Raw had gotten snowed out and I was forced to make up off the top of my head what happened, this would be it. It’s such a first draft that they probably had it plugged into the schedule as a placeholder back in January and then never updated it. It’s also totally fine, but nothing you’re gonna remember in May.
Remember last week when Bayley and Sasha Banks finally got tired of bickering at each other and started punching? This week, Bayley has a match with Sonya Deville with the extremely action figure accessory looking plastic-ass uterus trophy in the background. Bayley wins, but Mandy Rose jumps her. Sasha shows up to make the save, and then the babyfaces are too upset at each other about their own nobility and get into a fist fight about it.
Again, nothing really advances. Sasha, Bayley and Absolution are the focal points of the Second-Ever First-Ever WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal, so Absolution’s still a team, and Sasha and Bayley are at the exact same point in their rivalry as they were when we left them last week.
Before I get too deep into this column and disappoint you with every point being “nothing happened, I don’t have anything to say,” I think WrestleMania is going to rule. On paper, it’s maybe the best looking WrestleMania card they’ve ever had. They’ve got at least four possible main events, and at least four other matches that could steal the show. It’s a very WrestleMania 31 situation. The build to that was horrible, and now we’ve forgotten most of it because the important show at the end of the build was good.
Worst: LOL John Cena
I think we can all agree that the most baffling segment of the night, and one of the most “why would they even do this” bits they’ve done in years, is John Cena’s final plea to the Undertaker for a match at WrestleMania. Over the past several weeks, Cena’s been like, YOU’RE A COWARD, YOU’RE A BITCH, YOU DUNKED YER LIL BALLS IN THE RIVER STYX YOU LIL BITCH, trying to get the retired, exhausted as fuck Undertaker to wrestle him because he didn’t get a big title match. Everyone just assumed Taker would show up in one form or another, even if it was just messenger lightning or whatever, to accept the challenge. Because if he didn’t, why would they spend multiple weekly TV shows over a month and change having Cena talk about it?
So Cena shows up in Atlanta explaining how he’s going to WrestleMania as a fan and puts over the entire Mania card, which is nice. Then he gets the idea that he can gather Atlanta’s energy and summon the Undertaker with a spirit bomb or whatever, because Undertaker’s like Tinkerbell. You just have to believe in him and clap your hands and he’ll appear. Cena does his best to get a “thunderous” ovation from the crowd, and at best gets about 1/4 the reaction mid-carders got during the Attitude Era. Undertaker doesn’t show, Cena leaves, and … that’s it.
One of the major angles for WrestleMania this year is, “nothing happens and everyone’s disappointed.”
They can totally still find a way to do the match, because it’s not like a 13-match card with a Wrestle Kingdom main and Ronda Rousey doing stuff and Brock Lesnar and Daniel Bryan doesn’t need another big match to sell it. I hope they have Cena sit in the front row in full gear (which is wrestling fan street clothes anyway) and have him get struck by FX lightning or whatever in the middle of the show. If not, and the Undertaker is truly gone — which he probably should be, for his health and sanity — maybe Big Fan John can get in the ring to talk about how much he loves WrestleMania and have Samoa Joe show up and beat his ass for being such a fusspot.
At the end of the day, it’s certainly a creative angle. It’s subverting expectations. Whether it’s a success or failure really depends on the ending.
Best: Nerd Alert
Braun Strowman says his tag team partner is his his twin brother, “Brains” Strowman. Get it?
I probably didn’t love this as much as … the entire Internet, but it’s still fun, and the idea of Strowman being in a The Klumps situation where he plays all of his relatives is pretty great. I hope they go full Dudley Boyz with it and give us Big Dick, Sign Guy and Dances with Strowman.
I also hope Undertaker shows up as Braun’s partner, and they cut to Cena in the crowd like this:
Braun also throws Curt Hawkins through a wall for trying to be his tag team partner, in a segment I’d probably love if there hadn’t been a random dude in the room not reacting to what was happening. Whoever that guy is, he’s been working for WWE too long if he’s desensitized to giant hillfolk suddenly making Curt Hawkins-shaped holes in walls.
The Nothing’s Really Happening Lightning Round
Elias defeated Heath Slater, because he’s wedged into this … feud? With Slater and Rhyno. Elias’ role at WrestleMania is probably a musical performance, hopefully with/against The Rock, so he’s just doin’ stuff until then. The highlight is Corey Graves earning my love and affection for comparing Elias to Judah from BoJack Horseman. We need a full ‘Stupid Piece of Shit’ style episode of Smackdown starring Dolph Ziggler.
Matt Hardy defeats Goldust, which I enjoyed, but kept wishing as a Back Lot Brawl at WrestleMania. The “back lot” of course would be the Hardy Compound driveway or whatever. Who doesn’t want to see Goldust get thrown into the Lake of Reincarnation, just to see what would happen? Would we get the Natural? Seven? Black Reign?
Quick note: I don’t know if Jonathan Coachman’s got some kind of degenerative mental disease, but he’s getting worse every week. Last week he thought Kane was the Undertaker, this week he doesn’t know basic football terms. He references Gronk helping Mojo win the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal last year with, “came in and … shoulder blocked … all shoulder blocks, tackle, whatever you call it.” Cole thinks Vanguard 1 is Senor Benjamin. Throw out everyone but Graves and start over.
Asuka puts her streak on the line by teaming with Dana Brooke, who would lose a match to a pile of laundry in under five minutes, against Alexa Bliss and Mickie James. Asuka wins for her team, a post-match attack ensues, and Nia shows up to beat up Mickie and almost get her hands on Alexa.
Asuka/Charlotte is going to rule. Jax/Bliss on the other hand …
It’s one of those times when the conversation about what they’re doing overshadows the fictional happenstance. Like, objectively you’ve got heels saying mean shit about a face, and the face is going to kick their asses at the big show. I get that. But I also get that Bliss has a documented history with eating disorders and is on TV saying a heavier person’s going to “blubber in their blubber,” and Mickie James is right there with her despite being vocally against all the “Piggie James” shit that was done at her expense. And WWE can never quite decide if they want dominant female athletes to be, you know, dominant, or if they want them to be three-dimensional and hurt on the inside and that’s why they’re big or tough or whatever. It’s why they put unconventional women into weird comedy romance angles, because they think it’s funny. The angle becomes “what’s the company doing and why are they doing it,” instead of anything the wrestlers are doing, and that sucks.
I really hope the match at WrestleMania is Jax bum-rushing Bliss in the corner, Samoan dropping her and immediately pinning her in like 10 seconds to win the championship. That’s really the only believable ending to the angle. I think Bliss is great, but let’s do something that showcases that again, and doesn’t feel like such a crummy overlord decision.
Best: A-List Acting
Between Elias doing educational music for children and Miz audition for ‘Sheriff Jones,’ this year’s Snickers commercials are top notch. I’m also happy they got rid of the guy whose only idea for food commercials was, “the wrestlers want to have sex with the food.”
Best, But Why: Finn Bálor vs. Seth Rollins
The only people working Raw with anything resembling a sense of urgency were Finn Bálor and Seth Rollins, who worked a very good, 22-minute match. I have to point out what I’d usually point out — that they’re selling a triple threat match by having the two fan favorites in the triple threat wrestle one-on-one for 20 minutes for free on Raw six days before WrestleMania — and wonder why they’re doing it, and if the average fan thinks adding The Miz to this match makes it different or better. Like, isn’t the issue between Bálor and Rollins solved now? Shouldn’t it just be Miz vs. Rollins at WrestleMania now?
I know it annoyed some people, but I guess I’ve got a soft spot for Real Life The Miz, and loved hearing him gush about his newborn kid. Dad Club! I’m not a member of that, but I’d buy the t-shirt, especially if Cody Rhodes ended up the leader and made everyone wear shirts that said “DAD CLUB” above a picture of his dog.
Again, if you’ve gotten this far — sorry — I think the WrestleMania show is going to be epic, and I appreciate Finn and Seth for going balls-out so close to WrestleMania and not holding everything back for fear of getting hurt. Rollins doesn’t have the best luck when it comes to not hurting people at the worst times, so it’s extra appreciated. Also, I hope Miz retains, because duh.
Worst: No Drama
Throughout the show, poor Kurt Angle finds Paul Heyman and Roman Reigns backstage and asks them to please not have a pull-apart brawl before WrestleMania. They both ignore him, Heyman calls Reigns Lesnar’s bitch, and a fight breaks out. Now, the entire build to this match so far has been Reigns running his mouth and getting absolutely CREAMED by Lesnar every time they fight. Everyone assumes Reigns is winning at WrestleMania, so having him look as vulnerable as possible — and making Brock look like the consumer of terrestrial entities or whatever — is a good call.
It’s also not a bad call to have Roman win the last fight before WrestleMania, so those of us who subscribe to the “so and so went over on Raw, so the other guy’s winning on pay-per-view” theory can have some sort of angle for why Lesnar could retain. At first it looks like they’re gonna do that, too, by having Reigns knock out Lesnar with five (5) Super Man Punches™. In my head I’m like, “okay, I see what they’re doing.” AND THEN THEY HAVE BROCK LESNAR POP UP AND F-5 REIGNS ANYWAY.
Basically what this segment accomplishes is jack and shit. You don’t maintain the story you’ve been telling, really, because you’ve shown Lesnar to be hella vulnerable to basic punching, and Reigns only lost the fight because he wasn’t paying attention and decided to pose a bunch. Which is not a “heated babyface” thing to do, really. A guy who wants to injure Brock Lesnar’s gonna pose for the fans that mostly hate him instead of injuring Brock when he’s finally got him down? And you don’t build any drama for Lesnar retaining, because you veto’d Reigns’ offense and had Lesnar win anyway. So you missed both logical booking paths by a hair, and now we’re headed into our fourth Roman Reigns main-evented WrestleMania with the result on lock.
I mean, I hope I’m wrong. I hope Lesnar retains, if only to see the reaction to it. I’d say that’d result in another Reigns “coronation” next year, but we’ve already seen him win the title in the main event of a WrestleMania and we’re doing it again anyway, so does it matter?
The match should be fun, but I really hope they keep it to 5-7 minutes, and don’t talk themselves into thinking it needs to go 25.
Dannibalcorpse
Titus in front because we know he has experience grabbing people on the stage
Shockabra
Dana, later – they kept saying “Face in Peril” but statistically, my body took all the damage.
Harry Longabaugh
Since he doesn’t have any testicles, Undertaker is in need of a Ball Pairer.
Endy_Mion
If Cena wants to summon Taker he needs an Undertaker Retrieval Notifier or more commonly known by its acronym of URN.
MulkeyMania
The Undertaker is at the Manhattan Center.
Mark Silletti
“I’m going to Wrestlemania as a fan!
… But I’m also gonna go to Supercard of Honor and beat, *reads smudged writing on hand* Kimmy Ortega.”
PinsAndPlates
Pavlov would be incredibly fascinated by modern WWE audiences.
Bigsexy75
I’ve been pooped on, I’ve been peed on… and that was just when I crossed Randy Orton!
klausKink
loving husband and talking about his newborn child and wanting to be a better man and role model.
wwe and their monster heels.
The Real Birdman
Monroe Sky sounds like a TNA Knockout
Me watching this week’s show:
Thanks for reading, though! Be sure to click the social share buttons and drop us a comment, and for real, make sure you’re here this weekend for our NXT TakeOver: New Orleans and WrestleMania 34 coverage. We’ll be live at both events, hanging around at Axxess and WrestleCon and doing the deal all weekend long. It’s gonna be the Ultimate Thrill Ride® at the Showcase of the Immortals™, which is the Granddaddy of Them All®. Brought to you by Snickers®! Snickers® satisfies! That’s why they don’t call it “Raw!”
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