Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Kurt Angle revealed that Jason Jordan was his biological son, and brought him over to Raw. The fact that somebody was trying to blackmail Kurt Angle about this wasn’t brought up, and isn’t brought up this week, so … it was Hornswoggle? Nothing matters, woo!
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for July 24, 2017.
Best: The Security Toss For Distance
When last week’s episode ended with Braun Strowman destroying Roman Reigns and Samoa Joe and sending a message to Brock Lesnar, the SummerSlam main event became clear: a fatal four-way for the Universal Championship.
This week’s episode begins with what’s essentially two completely opposite segments to set that up. First, we get one of the worst things WWE regularly does, the Parade Of Promos, where someone’s trying to make an announcement and gets interrupted, then they get interrupted, then they get interrupted. WWE’s kind of obsessed with the presentation of a multi-person beef as a single file complaint line. Braun Strowman wants a shot at Lesnar because he’s the only one of the three that won his match at Great Balls of Fire, Samoa Joe wants a shot because he took Lesnar to the limit the last time they fought, and Roman Reigns wants the match because he once scored four touchdowns in a single game for Polk High.
The good news here is that the segment is a means to an end, and not only sets up the SummerSlam main event every good person in the world wants to see, but also leads directly into a SEE YOU THIS SUNDAY AT THE ROYAL RUMBLE-style bench-clearing brawl. The highlight of that, and possibly the best Raw highlight since an ambulance got flipped, is Strowman launching multiple security cronies to their fucking doom:
I can safely say that this segment ended up being better than everything that wasn’t a tag match at Battleground. Bring on SummerSlam. If WrestleMania 31 and that Royal Rumble triple threat taught us nothing else, it’s that Brock Lesnar is the best in these kinds of matches. When he’s not one-on-one he can be a spectacle performer and not have to carry the entire thing with Germans.
Best/Worst: The Predictable
From last week’s column:
Last week, Finn Bálor wrestled Elias Samson. This week, Finn Bálor wrestles Elias Samson. This is to set up next week’s match, Finn Bálor vs. Elias Samson.
It’s not bad, but damn, do we need to see it three weeks in a row with slight variations on the finish? This week they wrestle for over 18 minutes with two commercial breaks to set up Bray Wyatt showing up at the last second and costing Finn the match. Because WWE doesn’t give a shit about wins and losses and just creates “moments” that embiggen branding or whatever. And it’s another example of WWE not being able to get anyone behind the babyfaces because they’re already the superior, and the heels don’t win unless they cheat or have someone show up to help them. Jinder Mahal’s entire title run has been him wrestling handicap matches. Heel champions get pinned for weeks in a row to set up matches. There’s no challenge. It’s just empty triumph on repeat.
The best heels of whatever era of wrestling you grew up loving were top heels because they were good at what they did. In the ’80s, you rooted for Ricky Steamboat because Macho Man Randy Savage was an ace in the ring, or you cheered for Hulk Hogan because Andre the Giant couldn’t be beaten. Or you rooted for common man Dusty Rhodes because Ric Flair and his posse of rich dudes were conniving, but also great, championship caliber wrestlers. In the ’90s, maybe you rooted for Stone Cold Steve Austin to kick Bret Hart’s ass. Bret Hart was AMAZING. Or you wanted Bret to kick Shawn Michaels’ ass. Or you wanted Austin to beat the Rock, or vice versa. Into the early 2000s you had the super powered-up version of Triple H. Say what you will about him, but it made his losses matter. The Honky Tonk Man being a coward who somehow got away with shit was such a booking anomaly that he defined a singular trope. Now everybody’s the goddamn Honky Tonk Man. You’ve got 20 Ultimate Warriors fighting 20 Honky Tonk Men.
Really hoping this indecisive finish sets up Finn Bálor vs. Elias Samson for next week.
Worst: Burger King Chicken Fries Are Back!
In case you missed it, the latest soulless WWE food commercial features Bayley awkwardly talking to Matt Hardy about the “return of a fan favorite” and getting his hopes up, only to reveal that she’s talking about Sonic’s Pretzel Dogs®. The acting in this makes The Room look like Room.
On the bright side, at least they didn’t have Bayley make out with a hot dog.
I want to be the person in charge of these terrible commercials, so I can live out my dream of watching Dash Wilder and Scott Dawson attack those Sonic guys and break their legs.
Best: Bayley Vs. Sasha
Study Question: Why did a handicap match main-event the show instead of Bayley vs. Sasha Banks with high stakes and a clean finish? They even did the pose for the video package after the match.
Anyway, the idea here is that Sasha Banks wants a title shot because she beat Alexa Bliss by count-out at Great Balls of Fire and didn’t win the belt, and Bayley wants a title shot because BAYLEY HAS PINNED THE WOMEN’S CHAMPION on like every third Raw this year. So they’re having a match to see who will actually face Bliss at SummerSlam, and here’s something you might’ve forgotten during all the Nia Jax squashes and This Is Your Lifes: Bayley and Sasha Banks are AMAZING together. They’re responsible for two of the five best singles matches in NXT history. (Sami Zayn’s responsible for the other three*.)
Bayley wins, which continues the underwhelming booking of women’s title matches at SummerSlam. Natalya, really? We’ve seen Bliss vs. Bayley a few times and Bayley’s got the opposite of momentum, whereas Sasha Banks is having pretty much every woman on the roster’s best match, and the Eat Balls finish set up a rematch. I dunno. Just don’t turn it into a Fatal Four-way, too.
*Bayley vs. Sasha in Brooklyn, the Iron Man rematch, Zayn/Cesaro 2-out-of-3 Falls, Zayn vs. Nakamura in Nakamura’s only good WWE match and either Zayn/Cesaro from Arrival (watch it again) or Zayn vs. Neville with the noble title change leading directly into the Owens turn, depending on your historical preference.
Best: Alexa Bliss’ Eye Shadow
You the real MVP.
Worst: The End Of Emma
What happens when you complain on social media? WWE books you to lose to Nia Jax in less than 90 seconds and take a somersault senton to the guts.
“I love double-double E.” — Emma’s next 10 tweets
Worst: Matches To Set Up The Same Match To Set Up The Same Match
Remember that bit above about Finn Bálor and Elias Samson? Well, last week on Raw, Ariya Daivari defeated Akira Tozawa when Titus O’Neil threw in the towel. During the match, Daivari injured Tozawa. So Tozawa demanded a rematch, and they got it the next night on 205 Live. Tozawa defeated Daivari, but got jumped and injured again afterward. This week, Tozawa demanded another match with Daivari but didn’t get it because Titus O’Neil preemptively threw in the towel. So he goes to the ring anyway, gets into an argument with Neville, and gets beaten up by, you guessed it, Ariya Daivari. This sets up Ariya Daivari vs. Akira Tozawa on 205 Live.
The Aristocrats.
A few weeks ago, Big Cass turned on Enzo Amore and knocked him out with a big boot. At Great Balls of Fire, Big Cass squashed Enzo and knocked him out with a big boot. The next night, Big Cass beat up Big Show and knocked Enzo out with a big boot. This week, Big Cass squashes Enzo and knocks him out with a big boot. Then he beats up the Big Show.
The only modification they make this week is having Cass threaten to snap Enzo’s neck if Big Show steps over the rope. Show does it anyway, and thankfully Cass just shoves Enzo into him instead of literally murdering him. When you are about to be killed in the middle of the ring by a man’s bare hands, it might be time to stop challenging him to fights.
Worst: Somebody Shot Jason Jordan With A Tranquilizer Dart Before His Promo
If a tree falls in the woods and Its Guest At This Time is Jason Jordan, does it make a sound? I would’ve put a tumbleweed GIF here, but that’d be understating the charisma of plant that knows how to roll. This dude’s out here making Apollo Crews sound like The Rock.
He gets his Raw debut match against Curt Hawkins, which is fine. It serves its purpose, which is to tell Raw audiences, “Jason Jordan is one of the wrestlers you’ll see.” It’s not much of a challenge, however, as Curt Hawkins has an overall rating of 11 and would get knocked out and pinned by an inanimate object if one of those backstage clangy poles brushed against him as it fell over.
Real quick; why is Jason Jordan finishing people off with a backdrop into a neckbreaker? Olympic Slam and an ankle lock, guys. It’s a lay up. You pasted Kurt Angle’s name to him, at least get some mileage out of it.
Worst: Goldust Is Not On This Episode
Can we send him after the Intercontinental Championship already? At least let him ease back onto the roster and wrestle somebody besides R-Truth. He’s Goldust, not one of the 205 Live guys.
Best/Worst: The Revival Tries To Spin Hay Into Gold
In this example, the hay is The Club, who have actually had fewer good matches this year than an actual pile of hay. Scott Dawson and Dash Wilder are miracle workers, though, in addition to being the best wrestlers in the world who look like they were created in Dream Daddy, so they’re getting something good out of the endeavor until the finish.
As you might’ve guessed, the Hardy Boyz show up to distract the Revival and cost them the match. Only instead of that happening, The Club dumps Dash and Dawson and (for some reason) get distracted by the Hardy Boyz themselves. That allows the guys who were ORIGINALLY distracted to attack Gallows and Anderson’s stupid ass-skis from behind and Shatter Machine them to death for the win. After the match, the Hardys hit the ring and make the Revival look like chumps anyway.
So +1 to an actual fresh match-up in the tag team division, +1 to the actual match as it was happening, +1 to another Revival victory, and a Sonic® brand pretzel dog for everything else.
Eh: Dean Ambrose Has Pinned The Intercontinental Champion!
Finally this week we have the main event, which combines lots of Raw’s favorite things:
- champions being pinned by their challengers to set up a championship match
- another chapter in the endless Miz vs. Dean Ambrose feud
- babyfaces who don’t like each other teaming up, and the announcers repeatedly asking, “can they coexist?”
- handicap matches where whoever has the advantage loses
- constantly teasing Shield reunions without delivering
It’s pretty depressing that the Miz and Ambrose are still feuding and that Miz’s group has already lost, even with a man advantage. Also, all I want from this latest incarnation of SHIELD MAYBE is for Ambrose and Rollins to spend the next several months rekindling their friendship and becoming best swat buddies, only for Roman Reigns to beat the shit out of them for being in his yard. The ultimate irony is gonna be when swat vest and Shield music Roman Reigns tells these two to move on.
And that’s the show. I’d do the “Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz happened to set up Dean Ambrose vs. The Miz” bit again, but that’d end up reading like the “begat” section of the Bible.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Baron Von Raschke
Calling All Indy Workers in the Area! Calling ALL Indy Workers in the Area
pdragon
I knew WWE wanted to be a “family show” but I didn’t mean that meant half the roster was going to just turn into protective dads.
Brute Farce
In order to protect Finn from further damage, Elias will now be relegated to playing a ukulele.
Mark Silletti
The Revival: *have a match against Bullet Club*
Cody Rhodes, somewhere: *Kill Bill sirens*
“Somebody call the Pentagon, Joe is outta control!” For once, I agree with Cole. A ninja skeleton snapping his arm probably WOULD inconvenience Joe
AshBlue
I hope Jason Jordan’s parents are having Chad Gable over for dinner right now.
The Real Birdman
“You’re not my dad, Titus!”
*Sticks head into writer’s room*
“He’s… he’s not my dad right?”
AJ Dusman
Titus is such an asshole. What is he going to tell Tozawa next? To call him if he drinks too much and needs a ride home?
Know what else neither Samoa Joe nor Braun Strowman has done? Failed a drug test.
Redshirt
Emma: “What do I have to do to get noticed?”
Kurt: “We could give you a high profile gimmick change with several vignettes advertising your appearance.”
Emma: “Nah. Not my style.”
That’s it for this week’s show. Drop down into our comments section to let us know what you thought of the episode (and/or the column), and hit those share buttons to spread the word. It helps more than you realize, and keeps us in the business of watching TV for three hours and then sitting at a laptop for several more typing, “the hell?”
Join us next week for Big Cass vs. Enzo Amore, Finn Bálor vs. Elias Samson, a triple threat match with no finish and both Alexa Bliss and The Miz getting pinned by somebody. All this and more on a brand new episode of Monday Night Raw!
