liberate tutemet ex inferis
Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Mark Henry was announced as the latest inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame, Roman Reigns was handcuffed and beaten within an inch of his life, and Matt Hardy finally rid the world of Bray Wyatt via pre-taped backyard comedy wrestling. We’ll take it!
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Here’s the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for March 26, 2018.
Best For Everyone But Roman Reigns: Roman Reigns Gets Got (Again)
Remember back before Halloween Havoc ’95 when WCW was building to Hulk Hogan vs. The Giant for the Heavyweight Championship? Hogan’s popularity was already waning, so they felt like they had to do too much to build sympathy for him and had Giant break Hogan’s neck twice (yes, twice) before the match? I feel like Roman Reigns vs. Brock Lesnar is starting to veer into that territory.
Brock rarely shows up, so the first part of the story was Roman openly complaining about how part-timers shouldn’t be able to disrespect This Buisness™. I guess somebody realized their other WrestleMania main-event storyline featured Ronda Rousey, a former MMA fighter who was advertised as being at “every Raw” before WrestleMania and then just kinda came and went as she pleased, and called an audible. Now the story is that Roman can’t stop getting the shit kicked out of him, from last week’s handcuffed murder assault and multiple-attack stretcher job to this week’s chair murder assault and stairs posing. I promise that sentence isn’t just a random jumble of words. The announce team and Paul Heyman build up Roman’s injuries and announce that he’s not there tonight only for him to mosey in slowly from the crowd and get beaten up again.
I’m giving the segment a Best, however, because while Roman could probably stand to sell some injuries by not showing up for like a single episode (or even taking another full-on beating without being able to miraculously fight back), it’s in his character. He’s the Juggernaut. The Mitochondria of The Shield. And bless them, if they’re going to make a WrestleMania build about physicality, they should go all-out. I’d rather see guys throwing hands and suplexing each other than taking turns cutting one-sided promos, so in that respect, the angle’s gotten better.
I guess the major problems here are that (1) I don’t think anyone expects Roman Reigns to lose the match at WrestleMania, not even for a second, and that (2) the whole “valiant, never-say-die babyface ready for a fight” thing works a lot better when the crowd likes the wrestler. Roman’s great, just to say it again, but there are some realities to face when the biggest bonehead disassociative monster is attacking your heroic good guy WrestleMania main-eventer with a chair and some stairs and the crowd’s chanting “one more time.” If WWE ran the same venue every week, sure, blame that on the crowd. If you’re running Lesnar/Reigns at Full Sail, yeah. But for a traveling show like WWE, having crowds around the country sorta uniformly against this guy on a fundamental level skews everything. And that’s where the stressful-ass Roman Reigns conversation keeps coming from.
Join us next week when Lesnar feeds Reigns into a wood chipper and the crowd chants YOU DESERVE IT ? ? ?-?-?
BEST: NO MORE BRAY WYATT MAYBE
I didn’t get to write about last week’s Ultimate Deletion and the Chair of Wheels and the Mower of Lawns, but three cheers for Matt Hardy’s magic hillbilly lake for killing off the Bray Wyatt character. Also per this video, all I want in life is for WWE to wait 20 years, bring in King Maxel and Lord Wolfgang as the new Hardy Boyz, then have Maxel slowly become possessed by Sister Abigail because he’s got that lantern in his room.
Also, congratulations to Matt Hardy for making me call Andre the Giant “Humongous Wonda Numba Eight” for the rest of my life. Can the Seven Deities rename the women’s battle royal after Asian Nation Wonda Numba Nine?
Speaking Of That
Did they seriously replace the Fabulous Moolah on that trophy with a giant uterus? Can the Andre trophy ditch Andre and replace him with a big golden dong, or are they saving that for the Alex Wright Memorial Cruiserweight Battle Royal trophy?
Holding Pattern: Nia Jax vs. Alexa Bliss
That weird GTV thing where Alexa Bliss and Mickie James talked shit about Nia Jax backstage without realizing an unplugged boom mic was “on” and recording everything they said and somehow also not realizing a camera with a camera man was filming them and broadcasting them to the entire arena was, for all intents and purposes, the “go-home” for Bliss vs. Nia Jax at WrestleMania. Bliss is found out, Nia’s mad, and they’re gonna fight. Unfortunately there have to be like, three Raws between that and WrestleMania, so now they’re in a holding pattern.
That’s not really a bad thing, I guess, but it’s not compelling. Jax and Mickie James have a perfectly fine match with a neat finish — Jax walking James out of the corner in a gorilla press and dropping her die-reckally into a Samoan drop — and the post-match bit with Alexa Bliss’ sneak attacks having no effect was fun, but nothing’s really happening, because if stuff happens, it changes the narrative. And we’re so close to WrestleMania with so many questions about the card already that they’ve gotta keep some stuff on the level.
Best: Asuka Puts Frost On Ice
Please enjoy this clip of enhancement talent and possible Hellfire Club member “Jamie Frost” declaring that Asuka’s not ready for her, then getting kicked so hard in the fucking ear that it puts her into a coma. Love it. If you’re wondering, Frost is IWC manager Ellie Fredricks, and she’s kinda great. I mean, at least until Asuka put a toe in her brain.
Best: Passive Aggressive Nonsense!
First, just for old time’s sake,
eyeballs, Sasha
Grumpy teen Bayley finally comes to blows with “four-time Rawmen’s Champion” Sasha Banks in the locker room, and it’d be great if it wasn’t a plotline in a battle royal. I get why you have to keep SOME star power in the battle royal to keep it legitimate (so it’s not Dana Brooke and Sarah Logan reprising Mojo Rawley and Jinder Mahal as the final two or whatever), but it’s a shame that the two women with the longest continuous backstory together and the two greatest women’s matches in the history of the company are getting thrown into a pile instead of having a one-on-one WrestleMania showcase. “I understand, but it sucks” is a hard point to make sometimes.
I liked the brawl, though. It had good intensity, as Banks/Bayley fights have never lacked that. I hope sometime soon they get a Rawmen’s Championship match on a pay-per-view and get to go all-out. Maybe they can do it at the next event and it’ll be the Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus at Extreme Rules to WrestleMania’s Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus.
Also, +1 to Sarah Stock’s Jim Halpert face:
Worst: In Other Women’s Division News, Ronda Rousey
At some point they’re gonna have to realize that Ronda Rousey’s star power doesn’t come from her talking. If anything, Ronda talking hurts her star power, whether she’s saying dumb shit (like in UFC) or not projecting enough like she’s Shy Ronnie (in WWE). She’s got a great mean face, and she’s a legitimate judo bad-ass. Let her do those things. Her cutting promos and trying to do wrestling moves she’s not used to doing isn’t making for a good first impression.
I think the worst part of this entire bit with Absolution is poor Sonya Deville. I guess she was supposed to do the Dana Brooke thing and try to hit Ronda, have it blocked, and get thrown. Instead, she just kind of aggressively pats Ronda on the shoulder, and Ronda completely no-sells it to hit a clothesline to the … side of the neck? The arm bar stuff with Mandy was better, especially Angle having to calm her down like she’s the Hulk, but I think the segment would’ve been a thousand times better if when Paige had started talking Ronda had just shoulder-bumped past her, immediately thrown Mandy to the ground and threaten-faced them until they left. Let her be a soulless killing machine already.
The video packages are still great, at least. The Ronda training ones are very good, and the Triple H and Stephanie one from last night was EXCEPTIONAL, even if it’s a little weird that we’re suddenly trying to portray Stephanie McMahon as world class athlete. By now I guess we should be used to the McMahon-Helmsleys as everything they want to be, all at once, good and bad and tough and weak and whatever else.
Best: Educational Elias
Referring to Elias in an alphabet shirt singing a counting song as “absurd” is almost as offensive as Michael Cole calling the Broken Universe “obnoxious.” My major question is this: is Elias nice and friendly when he’s hungry, or when he’s NOT? Because usually those Snickers commercials have someone being an asshole until they eat a candy bar, and then they’re normal again … so does Elias write all those songs about hating your town because he’s a drifter and he doesn’t get to eat enough?
Elias also pinned Rhyno and beat up Heath Slater, but that wasn’t nearly as interesting as one, two, three, whee!
Worst: Joined In Progress
I guess three hours isn’t enough time to show entire wrestling matches, as both the cruiserweight division tag team match featuring WrestleMania championship match opponents and the Nevitt Club/Miztourage bout were both joined in progress. That’s so lame. That’s even worse than that thing they do where they spend five minutes on intros and throw it to commercial after the first arm drag.
Both matches were pretty by-the-numbers so it’s not the end of the world, but you’ve gotta wonder why they even go through the trouble of booking and televising these matches if they don’t care about them happening. The one thing I miss from the Vince Russo era is everyone on the show having a goal or a reason to be there, whether it was good or not. Even he stopped remembering to do that after a while.
Best: Bo Dallas Pretends To Become His Own Man
The Miz’s “trap” of pretending to argue with his friends so they’ll be interrupted by his enemies, who will then believe the Miztourage are suddenly their friends and want to attack Miz is a pretty Baron Zemo-ass plan, but it at least gave us Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel having defined personalities again. I miss that. I think the Miztourage could do a lot more for Miz (and vice versa) if they were a little less J&J Security and a little more Actual Wrestling Characters. I could say that about Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson too, though. And possibly Dean Ambrose.
Miz has gotten the crap kicked out of him so regularly in this feud there’s no way he’s losing the Intercontinental Championship to either of these guys at WrestleMania, right? Finn’s gonna cost Seth or Seth’s gonna cost Finn and they’re gonna transition into their own feud, and Miz can … maybe go back to Smackdown and fuck with Daniel Bryan? Can we do that? Miz needs a championship belt to really make that pop, and I think owning a replica title is more prestigious than being United States Champion right now.
Nowhere Near What I Want It To Be: Braun Strowman Vs. Sheamus
You know the drill. Braun Strowman’s got a Tag Team Championship match against The Bar at WrestleMania, so last week he wrestled Cesaro, and this week he wrestles Sheamus. I bet Strowman not having a partner has really messed with creative’s minds. How do you build a tag feud without doing a round robin of singles matches between the guys in the teams? You might as well be asking them to weave straw into gold.
I wanted Strowman vs. Sheamus to reach Strowman vs. Big Show or Sheamus vs. Reigns levels of mayhem and chest-purpling, but they probably have to save that for WrestleMania. Still, I want to see these two in an environment where they get to go all-out and clubbing forearm each other to death. Give me that at least once.
My current picks for Strowman’s partner, in order: James Ellsworth, Sycho Sid, Extra’s Mario Lopez. That last one’s a combination of me knowing how much WWE loves B-list celebrities, and how badly I want to see A.C. Slater hold championship gold.
Worst: Where’s Zack Ryder When You Need Him
Finally this week we have a no disqualification match between John Cena and Kane, continuing our weird, never-ending hellscape of 2018 Kane main events. They did their best to add tables and stuff to hide Kane’s weaknesses, but at some point it’s just a 50-year old mayoral candidate in a flame unitard staggering around while the host of the Kid’s Choice Awards screams about a wrestler who isn’t there.
Cena doing Undertaker’s moves was fun, but immediately ruined by Michael Cole hitting one of the worst calls of his life. “Cena just sat up, a la the Undertaker! That’s what the Undertaker does!” Was one of Vince’s grandkids on the headset feeding you that call? Later when Cena does the throat-slash taunt and hits a chokeslam (lol) on Kane, Cole’s call is, “now again, CLEARLY mocking the Undertaker!” We … we see that, Mike. Thanks. He’s stating the obvious so unnecessarily I might have to downgrade him from “one of Vince’s grandkids” to “Mike Tenay.” And while I’m on the topic of the announce team, does Coach even watch the show? He’s mixing up people with long hair and now he thinks Kane is the Undertaker. Booker was annoying as hell and barely made sense, but at least I never doubted he could name the company he works for without having to look it up.
After the match, we got another Cena promo calling out the Undertaker:
Sorry, wrong video.
Maybe he doesn’t want to wrestle you, man.
Part of me hopes Undertaker skips next week’s show too, and Cena’s “road to WrestleMania” ends up being him wandering around the Superdome yelling UNDERTAKERRRRRR, UNDERTAKERRRRR with his weird Peter Brady voice cracks, acting scared every time he pulls back a curtain and like, jumping cardboard cutouts and anyone with a wide-brimmed hat. And right before the show goes off the air, we get this long shot of Cena sitting on the floor of the locker room looking dejected and Undertaker steps into frame, farts into his hand and wafts it into Cena’s face.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
The Real Birdman
Maybe you start stalking Michelle McCool, John. It worked for DDP
wwespn
Not sure why Cena is surprised by Taker ghosting him….he IS The Deadman.
AddMayne
Smh
Just like a drifter to scavenge Bray’s locker room for clothes after his deletion.
Blade_222
Rousey makes Absolution look like the Riott Squad.
Endy_Mion
So you could say the Universal Championship is between a Brock and a Yard Place?
Mr. Bliss
Corey is hoping Ronda kills Paige because a Rose always ends up on Graves at a funeral
Brute Farce
No clangy pipes??? What kind of half-assed feud is this???
Baron Von Raschke
I would be fine with King Maxel beating Cole at Mania.
Spitty
So Kane talks about an unbeatable demon, then Asuka comes out. Makes sense.
The Voice of Raisin
MIZTOURAGE GOT A LOT LEFT IN THE TANK!!!
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