Previously on the Best and Worst of Raw:
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for November 4, 2019.
The Things I Like
I’ve got a lot of “Oh my God I’m so tired of this” commentary ready to spill all over your Internet, so let’s try to format this week’s column as a Compliment Sandwich and try to maintain some readers.
I of course enjoyed Brock Lesnar and his “Jew for an advocate” Paul Heyman going on a lucha libre manhunt. I appreciated them taking the time to explain how Lesnar’s a special case and completely privileged, so HE can randomly quit Smackdown and have his contract “moved to Raw,” but like, Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins couldn’t get tired of their brands, randomly quit, and get moved over. I’m guessing the only other people who have Brock Lesnar contracts are those NXT UK stars who get ported over to NXT Domestic on a whim.
Lesnar destroys some unidentified wrestlers portraying innocent bystanders, which is always fun, and through Paul Heyman threatens Jerry Lawler with DEATH WITHOUT RESUSCITATION if he doesn’t give up Mysterio’s location. I’m surprised Lawler can still identify Rey without calling him “Mysterious” or whatever, I wouldn’t go to him for up-to-the-minute information. Anyway, Good Dude Dio Maddin sticks up for his unfunny boomer-ass grandpa and gets F-5’d through a humorously collapsible announce table.
This is when Mysterio makes his presence known, smartly brandishing what I thought was a Nick Gage-style light tube but turned out to be a “pipe.” Not the CLANGY pipe, of course, which would put Lesnar out of commission for good. Rey Jr. sticks up for himself by kicking this albino gorilla’s asshole in with a weapon and challenges him to a championship match at Survivor Series, because if you’re gonna get thrown at the ground a bunch, (1) it should be for a championship, and (2) you oughta earn it.
The VERY best moment of the night goes to Shayna Baszler, who shows up and cuts the best promo she’s ever done in an attempt to conduct RONDA ROUSEY’S JUSTICE on Raw Women’s Champion Becky Lynch. It feels like we’ve been waiting for a moment like this forever. Baszler shows up, puts over Lynch, reminds us of their shared but contrasting connections to Rousey, and assures Lynch/us that she is NOT Ronda Rousey, and will not show up looking like an Alcatraz escapee, break her hand on some stupid sloppy shit and then disappear completely to make YouTube videos with D-Von Dudley. She’s going to pin Becky or tap her out at Survivor Series, and I believe it. I love it. PUT HER IN A BODY BAG, YEAH!
Friday, But Worse
On Friday, with most of the independent contractors stuck on a grounded plane in the Middle East because of some petty billionaire vs. billionaire shit way out of their pay-grade, the NXT roster stepped up to make a depleted episode of Smackdown the most exciting and talked about since the move to Fox. Then Raw was like, “what if we did that, but considerably worse?” Welcome to this week’s Raw.
The only downside to Friday’s Smackdown, really, was the group hug finale in which Triple H asserted that his brand (where he’s not a character or a general manager but sometimes shows up to do pay-per-view intros) was the best, because they’re a unified army who is here to make a difference and put aside all the interesting, compelling, personal feuds and lengthy character histories they share to fight for NXT because they got some yellow shirts and November is when you punch your co-workers over shirt color. Even though half the guys on Raw and Smackdown were on NXT in the last two years, and the rosters got completely shaken up less than a month ago.
This week’s show Triples down on that bad feeling by having the NXT “invaders” completely avoid being the very characters we’d be interested in seeing on Raw or Smackdown to just follow orders from their Corporate Dad. Tommaso Ciampa’s running out to help out the Undisputed Era. Keith Lee and Dominik Dijakovic want to to put each other through the goddamn mantle of the very Earth they live upon but are okay pretending they’re cool because they need to prove brand superiority over R-TRUTH, ERICK ROWAN, and ZACK RYDER.
Instead of having the NXT stars, you know, wrestle matches or make any kind of individual impact — pretty much all Smackdown was — they have them be weird, interchangeable stormtroopers in service of Triple H. Triple H wants SETH ROLLINS on his team, which is kinda like when WCW decided to invade and their WCW team to prove WCW’s dominance was like, Kurt Angle and Stone Cold Steve Austin. This brand shit doesn’t matter. Nobody cares about this brand shit. Nobody cares about this brand shit and you’ve been doing it for like a decade. Can you seriously not think of something better to do with your ENTIRE ROSTER in November than t-shirt color battles? Oh, I get it. This year it’s TRIPLE THREAT t-shirt color battles. My bad. Completely different.
Rollins ends up with an NXT Championship match against Adam Cole. That should be exciting. That should be MORE exciting than Friday’s Cole vs. Daniel Bryan, as Bryan was a total jobber in NXT and Rollins was the brand’s first champion. Instead of a great, competitive match that ends with a clean finish to actually put someone over, they go through the motions in second gear until the Undisputed Era randomly runs in and causes a disqualification. That leads to one of those THE ROYAL RUMBLE IS THIS SUNDAY moments where everybody fights, and guys like Ricochet are dead-set on proving they love the bad show they’ve been on less than a year more than the great one that made them popular enough to become stars of the bad show in the first place. It’s boring at best, and insulting at worst. And either way, it’s just a … it’s just a bummer, man, damn.
The Same Stuff You Saw Last Week
Last week, the Raw Tag Team Champions wrestled “The Chicago Cubs,” who aren’t even a wrestling team. This week, the Raw Tag Team Champions wrestle the “East Hampton Polo Boys,” who are completely helpless extras in matching Party City “preppie” costumes. I don’t think I have the energy to explain why the jobber teams should just be jobbers and not like, wacky concepts all the time. What is this, River City Ransom? How do the Vikings look better if we know they can beat a baseball team and some guys who aren’t even tough enough to join a Mean Street Posse? And why are we devolving back into New Generation-style occupational gimmicks?
A couple of weeks ago, Andrade defeated Sin Cara thanks to a distraction from Zelina Vega. Last week, Sin Cara introduced “Carolina,” a masked woman intended to counter the distractions of Zelina Vega. Andrade won when Zelina caused a distraction. This week, Andrade and Zelina Vega team up to defeat Sin Cara and Carolina. What’s next week? Andrade, Zelina Vega, and one of Zelina’s cats pinning Sin Cara, Carolina, and Lince Dorado?
On the night of the Draft, Buddy Murphy defeated Cedric Alexander with Murphy’s Law. Then Raw pretty much forgot they existed for a month, outside of Murphy being the (winning) third wheel in a 24/7 goof. This week, Buddy Murphy defeated Cedric Alexander with Murphy’s Law. I look forward to seeing this same match for a third time on a random December Raw.
Over the past few weeks, Humberto Carrillo has been taking tough losses to top stars. Last week, he lost to AJ Styles. Also last week, the Street Profits told The O.C. that they wanted “the smoke” so many times that they wished it into existence, a la The Secret. This week, the Street Profits and Humberto Carrillo team up against AJ Styles and The O.C. Carrillo loses to Styles, taking another tough loss to another top star. Well, to the same star. What’s sadder, Carrillo being balls-out fantastic and getting zero reaction, or Ray Rowe being “Eric the Viking” and doing big ol’ primal screams while people sit on their hands?
Oh, And Here’s the Worst Part
Last week, Natalya and Charlotte Flair debuted as a tag team. So what do they do in week two?
Compliment Sandwiches Have To Have A Second Piece Of Bread
Oh. Okay, well …
Famous Dick Wrestler Bobby Lashley
Rusev calls out Bobby Lashley, but Lashley can’t compete because he severely tore his groin having too much sex with Lana. I’m not saying I’m enjoying any aspect of this angle, but “whoops, my dick ain’t medically cleared because your wife put it on me all weekend” is a pretty baller heel move. Not gonna lie.
Rusev ends up facing Drew McIntyre instead, because McIntyre’s specialty is doing nothing and then filling in when another heel can’t compete. Like the main event, this was going okay and actually would’ve been pretty good if they hadn’t instantly gotten bored with it and booked a DQ finish. Lashley just attacks Rusev with a crutch, and then we find out thanks to a Randy Orton run-in with a Ricochet save that, somehow, TEAM HOGAN vs. TEAM FLAIR FROM CROWN JEWEL LIVES ON. Finally, they’re listening to the FANS!
And that’s Raw. It’s … it’s November, I don’t know. Survivor Series builds are always like this, and I just wish they weren’t dragging the good show into the everlasting quagmire of main roster creativity. Can’t it be a “third brand” without having to be exactly as soulless as the other two? Can you at least give me a disclaimer at the top of the episodes that Raw and Smackdown aren’t NXT canon?
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
The Real Birdman
Don’t worry Rusev, there’s always Matchka.com to find some new love
SexCauldron
“We did the sex and I broke my wiener”
-Bobby Lashley or 3rd grade me
Mr. Bliss
Guys, don’t waste your money on jewelry. Buy your wife a replica Women’s Tag Team Title belt….she’ll be on her back in no time.
I recognize that guy taking the pin from the Viking Raiders! It’s Sasha Banks’ cousin, Carlton.
AddMayne
Rey: “I’m coming for the one thing you care about!”
Brock: “gasp”
Rey: “THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP!”
Brock: “Oh thank God.” *hides collector’s issue of Backwoodsman*
Brute Farce
WWE’s Profits are continuing to plummet.
LUNI_TUNZ
Rusev: “Tonight is the night to end all this trauma. That’s why me and my wife are heading to AEW.”
Clay Quartermain
And now HHH wants his pedigree back before it gets too much loser stink on it
Baron Von Raschke
Seth lost his smile
Harry Longabaugh
Bad things befall the third Raw commentator. Call it the Maddin Curse.
Also admittedly pretty cool to see Keith Lee end Raw with a big dive. Remember when WWE was the company that tried to tell people dives don’t add anything to a match if they don’t mean anything?
Thanks for reading this week’s column. I will try to make something of this Survivor Series build, I swear. It’s not all gonna be resigned nihilism. Only most of it. Drop us a comment down below to let us know what you liked and didn’t like, give us a share on social media if you liked or laughed at anything, and be here next week for slight variations on everything you’ve seen so far. RAW FEVER! CATCH IT!
