The Best And Worst Of WWE Smackdown Live 9/11/18: In Selfie Defense

Previously on the Best and Worst of Smackdown Live: R-Truth got to be great again for a week, tag team wrestling shined, and WWE continued to try to convince us to cheer Charlotte Flair instead of Becky Lynch. Not gonna happen, guys.

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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live for September 11, 2018.

Never Forget

I’m not going to spend the beginning of a wrestling column full of wig and storybook jokes pontificating on the effects of 9/11 on our country, but I did lose a friend in the attack, and it’s hard to believe it’s been 17 years since it happened. Next year, on Sept. 12, there will be legal adults who were born in a post-9/11 world. And while WWE pats itself on the back for pretty much everything, they were an important part of helping us — or me, I guess — figure out how to move forward. Lilian Garcia’s national anthem still gives me goosebumps.

[deepest possible sigh] Anyway.

Best/Worst: It’s 2018 And You Can Make A Serious Argument That Both Jeff Hardy And Randy Orton Are Better Than Shinsuke Nakamura

…the hell even happened?

Since winning the Royal Rumble (wow, he won the Royal Rumble this year), Shinsuke Nakamura’s been in this crazy holding pattern where he’s supposed to be cool and important, and objectively as a human being and a performer he is, but he never, ever gets to be on WWE television. He had seven underwhelming “dream matches” in a row with AJ Styles, then dipped into obscurity, and came back to win the United States Championship via RAMPANT DICK-PUNCHING and disappeared into 30-second pre-taped backstage statements about “Nakamerica.” Here, he shows back up to wrestle Jeff Hardy (despite saying he wasn’t going to wrestle on Smackdown because we didn’t deserve it), and the match only serves as a 15-minute water-tread distraction for a Randy Orton post-match attack.

The match isn’t bad, really, but every second of it feels like a waste of time. You know Orton’s running in. They know Orton’s running in. The announcers know he’s running in. When Hardy goes up to the top rope for the Swanton, you can see him stay up there stalling, waiting for Orton to hit his cue, because even in kayfabe he probably knows Orton’s running in. Hardy could’ve spent 15 minutes wrestling a Big Bossman Wrestling Buddy and it would’ve accomplished the same thing, only this stuffed animal is a former huge New Japan star we thought couldn’t POSSIBLY be made into an afterthought.

I’m giving it the Best/Worst instead of “Worst” because even if it’s a time-filler, it’s still 15 minutes of wrestling to open the show, and not a quarter-hour WWE 2K promo battle where characters stand face-to-face with microphones and state how they feel about the Upcoming Event®.

Additional note: I don’t want to watch Jeff Hardy die live on pay-per-view.

BEST: Dark Becky

A couple of notes about this match:

• Sonya Deville is going to be really good soon, as she’s already able to carry her half of a singles match better than Mandy Rose, Liv Morgan, or Sarah Logan. “Sarah Logan” the character, I guess. I hope when the NXT and MMA Four Horsewomen are beefing they use her as the DDP “tweener” character who could jump to either side.
• Charlotte even manages to not make contact with her moonsault when she’s moonsaulting onto her opponent’s knees. She seriously landed on her feet, popped a squat, and touched Sonya’s knees with her forearms.

The match isn’t as notable as the post-match event, however, because the post-match event is Becky Lynch wearing a Daria disguise to interrupt a family selfie and Pentagon Charlotte’s arm on the ramp. First of all, shout-out to Bayley for getting in on that selfie and getting on TV again, hope you get into a pre-show battle royal at Evolution! Second of all, DRAMATIC DISGUISE REVEAL ZOOMS:

Again, I’m not sure what part of this we’re supposed to be booing. Charlotte’s put together a cogent point over the past couple of weeks and is babyfacing her heart out, but Becky’s had a better point for much, much longer, and is out here breaking bones as a MYSTERIOUS GOTH. Becky Lynch is molten hot lava right now. Poor Charlotte’s stuck moonsaulting into the volcano. And missing, somehow.

LOL: Take It Home, Joe

Don’t get me wrong, Samoa Joe is the BEST in capital letters and I’ve enjoyed all two months of Assault On Wendy Mountain, but I think they finally pushed the angle past my ability to accept it by having Joe read a storybook with ILLUSTRATIONS.

Who drew that? Did Joe hit up a FedEx Office on Tuesday afternoon and get that printed up so he could do a bit? For the first time I think AJ Styles got the better of him in the promo battle, because at least AJ didn’t show up with crafts. Next week: Joe puts his hand on a piece of paper, traces it to make the shape of a turkey, and writes KILL WENDY on the palm.

Anybody figured out why Joe vs. Styles and Lynch vs. Flair are the two most personal feuds in the company right now, and both are matches at Hell in a Cell, but neither are in Hell in a Cell?

Best: Tranquilo-lizer

First of all, a huge Best to Andrade ‘Cien’ Almas for watching R-Truth do a completely unnecessary cartwheel and deciding to counter it by ALSO doing unnecessary flips until his feet are in Truth’s face. Second of all, the double Tranquilo spot in the ropes is probably the best thing happened in WWE right now. Zelina Vega deserves all the love, even before you realize she was out there working on the saddest anniversary ever.

Truth seriously looks like Almas’ contemporary out there, which is crazy considering he’s 46 and has spent most of his WWE career as a background joke. He looks like he could wrestle another 20 years and not age. He’s looked like that since he was born, I think. Almas even gives him a little bit by Cheating To Win, and I hope Almas and Vega meet Truth and Carmella in the Mixed Match Challenge finals. Wait, how the hell are Almas and Vega not in the Mixed Match Challenge??

Best: Rusev Day In America

I didn’t love the finals of the second biannual four-team tournament as much as either of the first round triple threats, and I wish they’d gotten the main event spot instead of being in a “double header” semi-main for a terrible angle, but bless Rusev Day and the Bar for continuing Smackdown’s streak of good-to-great tag team wrestling. All I wanted was Sheamus and Cesaro throwing hands with Rusev and Cesaro Junior for 15 minutes, and I got it. Well, I got 13, but we’ll round up.

I’m especially happy that they seem to be subverting my expectations with the Rusev/Aiden English angle by having English actually feel bad for what happened, apologize, and make up with his friends. Wrestling Friendship is so much more powerful to me these days than Wrestling Rivalries. There’s still a chance he’s going to randomly turn on Rusev at the end of a championship match at the end of a tournament in the most WCW way possible, but I hope he doesn’t, and that this is Rusev Day beating Transitional-Because-They-Don’t-Need-It Champions The New Day and finally getting at least a semi-important title run. That match could steal the show at Hell in a Cell, especially if they pair up Rusev against Big E and English against Woods.

Also, a huge Best to Lana for her infectious enthusiasm at ringside. She’s actually looks like she gives a shit if her team does well or not, and that goes so far.

Worst: Yes Mode

Because “our wives aren’t very good at this, but we love them, and we’ve got a bunch of reality shows to promote” doesn’t fit on a T-shirt. +1 to the Miz for continuing to be the biggest babyface in WWE by trying to stop a Brie Bella match from happening, though.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

LUNI_TUNZ

Oh no, Brie can’t compete… and also she may be hurt.

Zinger

Miz softly whispers…. “Let her dive”

Son of Tony Zane

Maryse just gave up? I guess she’s better at taking a dive than Brie too.

AddMayne

“Ouellet” is French for “McFly”

Amaterasu’s Son

Grand Theft Match: San Andrade

Ryse

Mortal Kombat Voice: Rusev Day Wins. Friendship

The C Team (aka The Coolest Team, duh!)

Anyone else’s screen messed up? All I’m seeing is this blindingly bright white light – oh wait nevermind Aiden English and Sheamus are in the ring at the same time.

blacksnakemoan

*checks Amazon*
*cannot find “Night Night AJ” by Samoa Joe*
*hurls laptop out window*

troi

AJ Styles sits like the cool youth Pastor in a suburban church

Baron Von Raschke

AJ went out to do this empty arena promo and had TNA house show flashbacks.

That’s it for this week. Stay tuned for 205 Live, in which cruiserweights compete to see who gets to finish growing their face!

Drop us a comment below and let us know what you thought of the show, what you think will happen at Hell in a Cell, and various Brie Bella jokes. We know you’ve got 5-10 more in the tank. Share the column as well, if you’re a pal, and be here this weekend for all the Hellish, cellish festivities.