Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live: Mojo Rawley finally turned on Zack Ryder, The Ascension tragically passed away in a Jigsaw-set gas cloud, and Shane McMahon revealed he has no idea what skanking is.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown Live for December 5, 2017.
Best/Worst: WWE Writing A Perfectly Good Opening Segment And Then Taking Way Too Long To Do It
That should be WWE’s official corporate mission statement.
On the positive side, this week’s Smackdown opening did a lot right. Sami Zayn sarcastically explaining the difference between “ringside” and “not ringside” while shuffling back and forth is great, it makes sense that Sami would be the next to get his ass kicked by Randy Orton after what happened last week, and those RKOs “from outta nowhere” where the camera specifically chooses not to show him so he can leap in from off-screen are always fun.
On the negative side, this is a segment that could’ve been accomplished in five minutes, tops, but took fifteen. There should never be a moment where Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn are talking and the show’s only been on for a few minutes and I’m bored already. They spent about nine minutes saying absolutely nothing, and not in the good way. From a television production standpoint, WWE probably does what it has to do to fill the time it has to fill every week, but is also a structural and creative nightmare.
Perma-Worst: Shane McMahon
Anyway, Shane McMahon — who is evil, more on that in a sec — makes Orton vs. Zayn with Kevin Owens handcuffed to the ring rope. It probably would’ve been a better idea to handcuff him to, say, something backstage, where he wouldn’t still be a physical presence hanging out by a ring covering a bunch of available tools and shit to break handcuffs, but I’m not the boss. They also decide to make a match for Clash of Champions, where it’ll be Zayn and Owens taking on the team of Randy Orton and the Dark Mirror version of Rob Terry.
At the end of the episode, Shane reveals to Daniel Bryan that he’s “just getting warmed up” punishing them for reacting to him doing shit to them months ago, and that at Clash of Champions he’ll be the special guest referee. And Sami and Kevin’s careers are on the line.
Look, I know we got pretty crazy rationalizing heel activity and blaming babyfaces for being the true heels in these columns, but the worst thing any WWE face does is get attacked, get revenge, get revenge AGAIN, and then keep getting revenge for months because of that one incident. Sami and Kevin are self-serving a-holes, it’s true, but they’ve already tried to bury the hatchet — asking to be a part of the Smackdown Survivor Series team and getting rebuffed — and continually trying to attack and fire them for being jerks on a SHOW FULL OF JERKS is ridiculous.
Plus, how stupid is it that Shane’s so unforgivably upset about Kevin Owens beating up his dad that he’s become best friends with Randy Orton, a guy who has more or less waged a violent war against the McMahons for the better part of a decade? There’s nobody on the show Shane could be championing who’s beaten up his dad MORE. He should make a handicap match for Clash of Champions where Kevin and Sami have to take on the team of Randy Orton, Bret Hart and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
The main event is perfectly fine, but nothing special. I spent most of the match trying to figure out Orton’s new John Cena hair. My theory is that Cena bogarted that hairstyle for 15 years and the second he decided to awkwardly grow it out for a movie, Orton was like, “NOPE THAT’S MY HAIR NOW.” I want Orton to start wrestling in jorts and doing big jumping shoulderblocks.
Additional note: Back in October, Nakamura and Orton wrestled a few tag matches together, including a main event on the October 17 edition of Smackdown against Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn. Why’s Byron Saxton ending the show with, “CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT KIND OF TEAM RANDY ORTON AND SHINSUKE NAKAMURA WILL BE?” It was less than two months ago, guys. I’m not asking you to remember what happened 20 years ago.
Best: The 12 Days Of Rusev
It does my heart so good to see crowds coming around to Rusev. That guy’s been one of the best all-around performers on the show for YEARS, and aside from the occasional Dolph Ziggler shower harassment and denim Lana angle, he’s paid his dues and been great at every turn. This is the first shirt he’s gotten since the one with the Russian Federation gold star on it, if you want to now how long it’s been. I also like the weird situation they’re in where Rusev gets cheered, but Aiden English gets booed for being too Aiden English. Let’s love BOTH of them!
The match with New Day here is just an excuse to add another team to the Tag Team Championship match at Clash of Champions, and man, I am so over these multi-team and multi-person matches. I can’t be the only one, right? One of the downsides of having a “roster” instead of a system of territories where you can exchange and move around talent is that you can only focus on a couple of people at a time, especially in title feuds, so you feel like you have to do FATAL FOUR-WAY and FATAL FIVE-WAY and SIX PACK CHALLENGE and SEXTUPLE TROUBLE or whatever to “use” everyone. Maybe the hook is to keep the brand split, put NXT on USA Network on Wednesdays every week, and rotate around the talent without having to be locked into drafts and trades and exchanges? Just move folks around when you want to. You’re all owned by the same thing.
Best: B-B-B-BLUDGIE POWER
In this week’s other tag team division news, the Bludgies got a very Road Warriors-style squash victory over “Adam James” and “Josh Carr,” two very WCW Saturday Night jobbers in create-a-superstar template gear. In case you were wondering, James and Carr were played by Fidel Bravo and “Pretty” and/or “Professional” Peter Avalon, who you may remember from his Impact Wrestling run as Norv Fernum. If not, go watch him get dressed up like a turkey. I’m sad they didn’t bring in Dewey Barnes as the other guy.
Best/Worst: Banana Mojo
I think Mojo’s going to be great as a singles guy, don’t get me wrong, but WWE has got to come up with another story for tag team breakups besides, “I’m the star! He’s dead weight!” Zack Ryder is the deadest weight, yeah, but it doesn’t make for especially compelling television when every tag team breakup — and there have been a LOT of them this year — feels like a rerun. And honestly, was there anybody out there NOT hoping for a Hype Bros breakup?
Worst: And Speaking Of Re-Runs, Here’s Dolph Ziggler
So despite losing the feud to Bobby Roode and not being on TV for a few weeks, Dolph Ziggler got randomly added to the United States Championship match at Clash of Champions. This is kinda what I’m talking about with the “try harder” stuff. They have Dolph on Smackdown this week, and he’s only there to retroactively justify why he got added into the match, instead of, you know, doing something to get added to the match. Or winning matches, or being an interesting character, or doing ANYTHING other than losing and saying he’s the best since 2014.
Roode and Baron Corbin have a match with Dolph sitting on commentary, wearing an outfit that was chosen for him by a Make-a-Wish child, I’m assuming. When the match is almost over, Ziggler gets in the ring and attacks them. You’ve seen this all before, a million and a half times. The highlight is either the second-hand embarrassment of Ziggler backstage saying he deserves a United States Championship shot because he “used to crush it back at Kent State” (15 years ago), or Corbin wiping off his title belt because Ziggler touched it.
You’re getting out-shown by nonverbal gestures from BARON CORBIN, brother. Go home and be a comedy man.
Worst: The Riott Squad Should Never Get A Live Mic Again
Easier said than done, because we’re still giving Natalya live microphone time every week and she puts a comma between every word she says, but this was brutal. The Riott Squad gets three (3) promos this week, the worst of the three being their first with Daniel Bryan. In this one promo, we get:
- Ruby Riott saying her group shifted the “titanic plates.” She might’ve said “ti-tonic” or even “tike-tonic,” but she 100% didn’t say “tectonic”
- Liv Morgan saying Daniel Bryan has a bias against blondes and that’s why Ruby can’t get into the Smackdown Women’s Championship match. Which is, uh, Natalya vs. Charlotte. And that’s why black-haired Ruby Riott can’t get into the match. Or something?
- Sarah Logan goes 1.1 Boomhauer with maybe the worst few seconds of promo on WWE television this year, mumbling through a bit where she forgets which state Daniel Bryan’s from, asks him if he’s “hunted lime game,” and wonders if he’s even tasted game meat
The only thing that would’ve made it worse is Tamina chiming in with, “yeah Daniel, put them in the match or you’ll LOOK like James Ellsworth!”
After that, Natalya shows up to try to, reclaim, HER spot, as, the WORST, talk-er, on, the show. You’ve got to love any conversation that’s 100% one-sided, ends with the characters staring at each other silently, and one of them leaving. What is this, a conversation between Grand Theft Auto pedestrians?
With all that headgear and body armor she’s wearing, Natalya kinda looks like what would happen if the Riott Squad could combine into a Megazord.
5-foot-9 female Raja Lion Tamina Snuka takes on Charlotte Flair later in the episode, and if you’d like to know how good it is, the four-minute YouTube clip of the segment contains about 30 seconds of the actual match.
When it’s over, aBsOlUtIoN comes back out to cut ANOTHER three-person promo. Ruby’s fine, but isn’t necessarily good enough at this yet to deliver WWE’s badly written “burns” without sounding deeply rehearsed. Not really blaming her for that, that’s a skill like, five people on the entire roster have. Liv can’t deliver her lines without bouncing and laughing. She’s like, “thank you all for coming, heh, to my parents’ funeral, ha ha,” [twirl]. Sarah Logan announces that her “pah-paw” always said “y’all’s about as nervous as some long tailed cats in a room full of rocking chairs.” First of all, “pah-paw.” Second of all, is Sarah Logan’s dad Jim Ross? My pah-paw used to always say, you’re gonna be running like a scalded dog!
No more Riott Squad ever. Keep Ruby, jettison the other two into outer space. Or have Billie Kay and Peyton Royce show up and insult them into oblivion.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week
Amaterasu’s Son
Sami’s back is hardened against back attacks thanks to his best friend repeatedly dropping him on the HARDEST PART OF THE RING!
Baron Von Raschke
Randy will give Sami that DDT off the middle rope and turn over to see Kevin Owens cuffed to the ring ropes. Then, he is going to have a really weird flashback that he will need to explore.
Phyrre56
Can Zeb Colter come back as Sarah Logan’s grandpappy?
Sarah Logan’s so southern, she gerrymandered the ring.
The Real Birdman
Why are people complaining about the extra T in Riott Squad? It worked out really well for The Wyat Family
“How do you feel about Dolph Ziggler being added to our match?”
*Both men burst out in hysterical laughter*
Mr. Bliss
I wish that as soon as the bell rang, Corbin and Roode left the ring and just pummeled Dolph
25 years from now, we’ll all tear up a little bit when Harper leaves his hammer in the middle of the ring at Wrestlemania 58…right after Roman Reigns retired him
troi
that is totally James Ellsworth with a fake goatee
AddMayne
OH SHIT DON’T LET CARMELLA AND LIV TOUCH TIME AND SPACE MIGHT FOLD IN ON ITSELF
You think that’s it for this week? You think because your hippie, granola, column you call? Have you ever READ game meat?
Be sure to click the social share buttons to support our increasingly depressing look at the state of Smackdown Live — Daniel Bryan going rogue and murdering Shane will turn things around, even if it leads to Daniel Bryan vs. Shane McMahon at WrestleMania — and drop us a comment to let us know, heh, what you, heh heh, thought of the show. [twirls]
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