The gimmick: We take WWE Smackdown spoilers from the Internet, copy and paste them here and jump to a bunch of conclusions about them without watching the show. It’s too snarky by design, so just go with it. It helps when you’ve watched Raw, because Smackdown’s just hours 2 and 3 of Raw with blue lights in the crowd. With all the big stars injured, the shows feel exactly the same.
This week, it’s PARTIAL STEAM AHEAD to the Royal Rumble, wherein Roman Reigns will go “one versus all” against our ability to sit through the show without flipping tables.
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers) (mostly)
– The show opens with Chris Jericho talking about the Royal Rumble, which you definitely didn’t see on Raw. He gets into an argument with The New Day, which you definitely didn’t see on Raw a few weeks ago. That sets up New Day for a match against The Usos and Dolph Ziggler. You definitely didn’t see Jericho GM a match on the fly and then not actually wrestle in it on several other shows.
1. The Usos and Dolph Ziggler defeated The New Day. “The Usos have pinned the Tag Team Champions!” You definitely haven’t heard Michael Cole say that several times over the past few months. You know, I’m gonna skip the normal Smackdown spoilers format and just follow every result with “you definitely haven’t (whatever).”
2. Becky Lynch defeated Alicia Fox. I assume that by “Alicia Fox” they mean “Brie Bella.” Good to see Becky still getting wins and looking strong, even if it’s gonna end with the Horsemen attacking her in the parking lot and breaking her hand with a baseball bat.
– Dean Ambrose and Kevin Owens were guests on Miz TV. To build up their match against each other, they took turns hitting finishers on The Miz. I hope the payoff to the last year of The Miz is that Damien Sandow actually took his place and is the Miz we’ve been seeing since WrestleMania, and the real one’s just been out with a shoulder injury.
3. Bray Wyatt defeated Ryback. Wyatt pinned Ryback after hitting him with a tumbleweed that blew into the ring.
4. Titus O’Neal defeated Stardust. You have definitely not seen this before.
5. Roman Reigns defeated Rusev, Sheamus, King Barrett and Alberto Del Rio. Not kidding. Reigns wins another handicap match against four dudes, this time by disqualification. The Usos run out to help him after the match, suddenly remembering that they’re related and like him and can help him in fights, only for everyone to get beaten up by the Wyatts. The end of this story is Roman eliminating 28 other competitors only to be eliminated by Wyatt coming in at #30, and then for Wyatt to lose to an Uso via distraction rollup, right? Am I following the narrative?