Here Are Your WWE Smackdown Spoilers For July 14, 2016

Welcome to the final edition of the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report. We’ve enjoyed copying someone else’s Smackdown spoilers, pasting them into WordPress and jumping to a bunch of snarky conclusions about them without actually watching the show, and we hope you can cope with a live, weekly show that people are actually trying to make good. We don’t know how we’re gonna live with ourselves.

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

1. Sasha Banks defeated Dana Brooke. After the match, Charlotte announced that she and Dana Brooke will team up against Sasha Banks and a partner at Battleground. This was a joke from the Raw report and also a real thing they’re doing. I hope it’s Paige, and that they have her pin Charlotte in a non-title match right before the show.

2. Dolph Ziggler defeated Rusev. Zack Ryder was on commentary and distracted Rusev, allowing Ziggler to win via rollup. Good to see Smackdown Classic going out with a bang.

3. AJ Styles and Karl Anderson defeated Enzo Amore and Big Cass. Really disappointed this didn’t start as a show-opening promo with Styles getting interrupted by three other guys leading to a tag match to keep Smackdown Classic rolling.

4. Zack Ryder defeated Alberto Del Rio. Go back and watch that fired-up babyface promo from Lucha Underground where Del Rio talks about standing up for himself and his family and la raza, then watch him get murked by Zack Ryder on a rando Smackdown. After the match, Rusev tries to interfere but Ryder fights them off, because he sank 3 consecutive baskets and can goaltend without getting penalized.

5. Tyler Breeze defeated Kalisto. Breeze won after a distraction from Fandango. Smackdown’s going out swinging!

– Darren Young and Bob Backlund are guests on Miz TV, and it ends with Backlund putting Miz in the Crossface Chickenwing. Nothing sarcastic to say here and I might watch it twice.

6. Dean Ambrose defeated Kevin Owens. Seth Rollins interfered, causing a DQ, and Sami Zayn made the save. Shane McMahon showed up and made this a tag match, and I swear to God I didn’t know that when I made the joke earlier in this same column. Hahaha, I love you, Smackdown, never change*.

*Change immediately.

7. Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens defeated Dean Ambrose and Sami Zayn. Rollins pinned Zayn after a Pedigree. After the match, Ambrose beat up Rollins and Owens by himself and standing tall. Smackdown creative: