The assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report is exactly what it sounds like: we write about what happens on this week’s WWE Smackdown without watching it, then jump to a bunch of conclusions about where it’s going. Then, because it’s Smackdown, we get as snarky and pessimistic as possible. You know, because we’re shameless optimists about Raw.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are mostly actual Smackdown spoilers)
1. Sheamus defeated Dean Ambrose. Smackdown barely starts and we’ve already knocked out two of our most-used tropes: a show-opening promo where someone interrupts to set up a match between those people for later, and Bray Wyatt feuding with someone by interfering in their matches and ruining everything. Welcome to the Wasteland, Dean Ambrose.
2. Neville defeated Adam Rose. Or, as he’s known in the fun comic book graphics, “Desperation Man.” The Neville vs. Stardust feud continues, and if Stardust doesn’t attack him with a doomsday weather machine at SummerSlam, we riot.
– King Barrett cut a promo in which he is a tree falling in the woods, and nobody’s there to hear it.
3. Rusev defeated Kevin Owens. To continue the momentum of him losing two matches to Cena and giving up on all the rest, Owens loses by count-out when he walks out of the match. Womp womp. Secret Babyface Rusev continues, though. I want him to start getting OLE chants for no reason.
– Cesaro cut a promo on Owens, making fun of him walking out of matches. That’s the kind of fun character development you can put on a t-shirt!
4. The Bella Twins defeated Sasha Banks and Naomi. The Bellas are faces here, because they want to be cheered when they win and lose matches.
5. Seth Rollins defeated Cesaro. Kevin Owens interfered, attacking Cesaro. Dean Ambrose interfered, attacking Rollins. Smackdown’s got such an identity crisis that it’s started ending like it’s supposed to begin. It should go off the air every week with a polarized photo of Teddy Long.