Here Are Your WWE Smackdown Spoilers For July 7, 2016

Only two more weeks of Smackdown spoilers on the Internet, copied and pasted and telephone-gamed and fretted about so thoroughly you feel like you’ve watched it twice before it ever airs. On this week’s show, a handful of Raw matches are set up, because I guess WWE remembered they can do that.

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

1. Seth Rollins defeated Jey Uso. Dean Ambrose is the special guest ring announcer and talks before, during and AFTER the match. Prepare your enthusiasm accordingly. Rollins wins, so Ambrose makes fun of him. Please consult this week’s Best and Worst of Raw column for a lengthy explanation of why this stresses me the hell out.

2. Zack Ryder defeated Sheamus. Whose cereal did Sheamus sh*t in to get demoted from WWE Champion to “losing clean to Zack Ryder on Smackdown” in six months? Anyway, after the match, Ryder announces that he’s challenging Rusev for the United States Championship, and the match is made for Raw. They should let Ryder win it there, then lose it to The Miz the next night on Smackdown.

Becky Lynch showed up for a match but got jumped by Natalya, who put her in a Sharpshooter at ringside. Please take a moment to imagine how much more fun this feud would be if passive-aggressive Tyson Kidd was standing around in the background of all of it.

– Xavier Woods is afraid of the Wyatt Family, but he’s going to tough it out and go to the compound with the New Day. The Wyatt Family: as scary as going to the dentist.

3. AJ Styles defeated Enzo Amore. This started with dueling promo in which The Club refers to Big Cass as a “butt nugget.” That sounds like the best thing I’ve ever heard. Styles wins with a Styles Clash, because AJ Styles vs. Enzo Amore in a wrestling match is like the San Francisco Giants playing baseball against 9 puppies.

4. The Miz defeated Kalisto. This was made due to Kalisto throwing potato salad at Maryse on Raw. Just like how the Ric Flair vs. Harley Race feud started, I believe.

– Sasha Banks vs. Dana Brooke is made for Raw. 100% chance Charlotte sits in on commentary and loudly scream-talks over the entire thing.

5. Sami Zayn defeated Chris Jericho. Kevin Owens got into an argument with Jericho about scarves earlier in the night, so he sits in on commentary. Just like Hansen and Sammartino! Anyway, Zayn wins with a rollup after a bunch of distractions, and the show ends with the heels instantly getting their heat back and beating him up. Because even a fresh Smackdown is still pretty Smackdown.