Here’s this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, the soon to be extinct column where we copy-paste in someone else’s Smackdown spoilers and jump to conclusions about them. On this week’s show, the breakneck pace and bold, creative booking of Raw continues with two distraction finishes and half-versions of matches you saw on Monday.
Don’t worry, when the show goes live, all of these problems will be instantly fixed!
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– New Day opens the show and are interrupted by The Club, which sets up Kofi Kingston vs. AJ Styles for the main event. This is a dream come true for anybody who made “WWE vs. TNA” fantasy booking cards in 2009.
1. Becky Lynch defeated Charlotte. Dana Brooke interfered, causing Lynch to win by disqualification. Charlotte and Dana beat her up after the match until Natalya made the save, because the booking sheet for Raw and Smackdown is the same, it’s just a page from a book of Mad Libs.
2. The Dudley Boyz defeated Golden Truth. Two distraction finishes in a row, as Tyler Breeze and Fandango caused Golden Truth to lose. I hope Smackdown’s plan for going live is to do a show full of distractions leading to rollups while NEW ERA flashes on the screen.
3. Dean Ambrose and Sami Zayn defeated Kevin Owens and Alberto Del Rio. In case you thought Cesaro and Chris Jericho were bringing down the Raw main event. After the match, Owens brings a ladder into the ring and climbs up to grab the Money in the Bank briefcase. I wish that gave him ownership of the briefcase, and made everyone else say, “wow, why didn’t I think of climbing up and grabbing it BEFORE the match?”
4. Rusev defeated Jack Swagger. Yes, Jack Swagger is still employed. Yes, this is the same match they did 50 times the last time Rusev was United States Champion. Yes, the creative team’s dry erase board is that old and THAT covered in permanent marker. Titus makes the save for Swagger after the match, and the two do paper rock scissors to see who gets another month of employment.
5. AJ Styles defeated Kofi Kingston. ♫ GET READY TO FLY ♫ Styles wins with a Styles Clash while The Club and The New Day brawl on the outside. John Cena’s already pretending there’s a brand split, I guess.