The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For June 9, 2016

Here’s this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, where we paste in somebody else’s Smackdown spoilers and pretend we know what happened. The show goes live soon, so these are collectors items!

On this week’s show, WWE recreates its one pre-Money in the Bank episode for like the fourth time in a row.

What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)

1. Enzo Amore and Big Cass vs. The Club ended when The Vaudevillains and The New Day interfered. Backstage, The Ascension had one of those 25th Hour moments where they pictured themselves interfering, too, getting into the Money in the Bank match, winning the tag titles and holding them for like two years before snapping back to reality and realizing they’re a bad Observer note away from working the counter at Dairy Queen.

– Rusev said he’s better than Muhammad Ali, because Rusev rules.

2. Kevin Owens and Alberto Del Rio defeated Cesaro and Sami Zayn. Owens and Zayn fought to the back during the match, then fought back out in time for Owens to just beat up everyone and pin Cesaro. Cesaro out here taking pins like Kevin Bacon in Animal House.

3. Becky Lynch defeated Dana Brooke, finally ending Dana’s Goldbergian winning streak.

– Bob Backlund and Darren Young visit beautiful Puerto Rico, and discover all the land has to offer. I’m making this up, but honestly all I want from WWE TV right now is Backlund and Young going to f*cking Puerto Rico.

4. Baron Corbin defeated Kalisto. Dolph Ziggler was on commentary, trying to figure out who let Corbin wrestle someone other than Dolph Ziggler.

– Apollo Crews and Sheamus had a backstage confrontation. “You look stupid!” “You have no character!” “You’ve been around forever and nobody actually likes or enjoys you.” “You look like a Ninja Turtle!” I’m paraphrasing here.

5. Chris Jericho defeated Dean Ambrose. Drink it in, man.