Welcome to the assumptive Smackdown spoilers report, the column that assumes nobody will watch Smackdown and jumps to conclusions about its results. This week, Smackdown falls on Thanksgiving, so I considered just posting a bunch of recipes and seeing if anybody’d notice.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– If you’re wondering why the current WWE World Heavyweight Championship program isn’t bringing in record viewers, Smackdown opens with Roman Reigns explaining tables, ladder and chairs until Sheamus interrupts him and makes an Adele joke. No, really.
1. The Dudley Boyz defeated Erick Rowan and Braun Strowman. The Dudleys win by DQ when Bray Wyatt interferes. +1 to Bray Wyatt for realizing he should pick on wrestlers he can actually beat up, and stop kidnapping and f*cking with WWE’s most powerful characters. John Cena? No. Undertaker? No. D-Von Dudley? Sure, why not, let’s give it a shot.
2. Paige defeated Becky Lynch. Paige won with a rollup, because the Divas Revolution.
– The New Day have a Thanksgiving potluck dinner that ends with Xavier Woods dressed as the Gobbledy Gooker. I’d make jokes about this if there were any way to improve upon it or make it more ridiculous.
3. Jack Swagger defeated WWE United States Champion Alberto Del Rio. Swagger won by DQ when Del Rio attacked him with a chair. Gotta keep Jack Swagger strong! Swagger then attacked Del Rio with a chair, so the match might’ve technically ended in a “no contest.” Technically when the match started, it was a “no contest.”
4. The Lucha Dragons defeated The New Day. Jey Uso beat up Xavier Woods, stole his Gobbledy Gooker suit and used SUBTERFUGE to interfere in the match as the Woods Gooker. After the match, they revealed that Woods was naked and tied up, and the babyfaces beat him up. Because babyfaces.
5. Dean Ambrose defeated Tyler Breeze and Dolph Ziggler. This was a triple threat match to name a new #1 contender to the Intercontinental Championship, because long gone are the days when you could just steal it and be the champion. I like to think this was supposed to be a tag team match, but Sheamus was backstage rocking out to Adele and couldn’t make it out. Ambrose is your winner, because we need to keep him as far away from his Brother Roman Reigns as possible, I guess?
And that’s the show!