Wrestling With Words: Stars That Prove You Don’t Need Mic Skills To Be Successful

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Being able to cut a great promo is the single most important key to succeeding in pro wrestling. At least that’s become the conventional wisdom. Bad matches are quickly forgotten, but not being able to talk is the kiss of death. It’s why we cringe extra hard when our favorites bomb on the mic.

But do we need to be so worried? Sure, some stars like Kevin Nash and CM Punk have jawed their way to the top, but there are plenty of others who have found great success despite not being able to string two words together. Here’s a few names that overcame severe microphone allergies to become big stars …

Note: This list doesn’t include any wrestlers that aren’t fluent in English, since that wouldn’t really be fair. So, sorry, no Great Khali jokes.

Sasha Banks

Accomplishments: NXT and WWE Women’s Champion, currently the most popular woman in WWE

Well, may as well get this article off to a controversial start. When Sasha started in NXT, she was this stilted, one-note mean girl, and whenever she speaks, she becomes her early self again. Don’t get me wrong, Sasha has a ton going for her, and can be effective on the mic when the moment has been built up properly and she’s allowed to express real emotion. Unfortunately, when she’s asked to play make-believe (which wrestlers have to do 99 percent of the time), it’s usually pretty cringy.

Rob Van Dam

Accomplishments: Only person to hold the WWE, ECW and TNA World Championships

I don’t mean speak out of school here, but I suspect Rob Van Dam may occasionally come to work under the influence of marijuana. Most every Rob Van Dam promo has exactly one note — “Hey, maaaan. Pleased to be here.” The guy is practically squinting at the cue cards in half his interviews (I thought that stuff was supposed to be good for your eyes?). In a way, RVD’s stoner dorkiness is kind of lovable, but after 20 years, the act is starting to get pretty stale.

Brie Bella

Accomplishments: WWE Divas Champion, top star with major feuds against Stephanie McMahon and her sister, reality TV star

Brie Bella may be the worst actor in wrestling history, which is covering a lot of ground. Brie has exactly one arrow in her quiver: talking louder at the END OF A SENTENCE. Other than that, there’s no emotional moment she can’t stumble over, no line she can’t kill. The fact that Total Divas manages to capture the occasional slightly natural Brie moment is proof reality TV isn’t completely fake.

Oh, and yes, Nikki Bella not being on this list is intentional — Nikki is stilted, but she knows how to manipulate a crowd, and made me laugh on a pretty regular basis. As treasurer of the Nikki Bella Fan Club, you can trust me on this.

Lex Luger

Accomplishments: 2-time World Champion, once earmarked as Hulk Hogan’s heir apparent

Lex Luger’s mouth always seemed to be running about two steps faster than his brain. Whenever he talks, there’s a panic in his eyes, and even during his decent promos, there’s a sense it could all fly off the tracks at any moment. Everybody’s seen his infamous “tight t-shirt” promo, but as ridiculous as that was, it really wasn’t that much different than your typical Luger promo.

Lita

Accomplishments: 4-time WWE Women’s Champion, possibly WWE’s most popular female performer ever

Lita spent most of her career dressing like a teenager, so I guess she figured she ought to talk like one, too. She just never dropped that “like, y’know, whatever” cadence, and most of her early promos came off like high school book reports. She got better during her later femme fatale phase, but she still wasn’t exactly good. Lita has since hinted she wasn’t crazy about her heel character, and you can really sense her contempt for the cheesy innuendo-laden lines she had to chew through.

Sid

Accomplishments: 4-time World Champion, WrestleMania main eventer

There’s a misconception amongst some folks that cutting old-school wrestling promos is simple. You just have to oil yourself up, holler some loud funny words, and boom, you’re The Ultimate Warrior. Sid Justice/Vicious is proof it’s not so easy. Sid was big and oily and yelled a lot, but somehow it never came together. He was also prone to flubs, like the time he asked to re-do an interview on live TV, or the above promo where he proudly proclaims he has half a brain. Poor Sid.

Jeff Hardy

Accomplishments: 6-time World Champion, WWE’s biggest draw for a brief period

Jeff Hardy truly is an enigma – he’s willing to go to ridiculous, body-destroying lengths to entertain fans in the ring, but seemingly unwilling to put even a drop of effort into his mic work. Unlike his brother Matt, who has done his bizarre best to figure out the speaking thing, Jeff has just said nuts to it all. The rare times Jeff’s given something to say, he just mumbles it out in his regular monotone speaking voice, shrugs, then tries to distract everybody by throwing himself through a table.

Goldberg

Accomplishments: 2-time World Champion, one of the most legendary stars of the Monday Night Wars era

Goldberg never had much need to talk – his was not exactly a deep character with complex emotions and motivations. The rare times he did open his mouth only lessened his mystique. Turns out Goldberg was just a regular guy, with a regular guy voice, who had a tendency to stumble over his words. There’s a reason Goldberg was at his most popular when “You’re next!” was all he ever said.

Roman Reigns

Accomplishments: 3-time World Champion, WWE’s Chosen One for the past few years

Roman Reigns is a tough one. I truly think there is a good promo guy hiding somewhere within Roman Reigns, but that guy isn’t The Rock. Unfortunately, WWE really, really wants Roman Reigns to be The Rock, so they keep giving him cutesy zinger-packed promos that he’s completely incapable of delivering. The Rock could nail a 10-minute promo about Jack and the Beanstalk – almost nobody else on Earth could. Maybe one day WWE will just let Roman be a down-to-Earth tough guy who loves his family and we can retroactively take him off this list, but I’m not holding my breath.

Triple H

Accomplishments: 14-time World Champion, King of Kings, inheritor of WWE

From a purely technical standpoint, Triple H is a fine talker. He enunciates clearly, usually has a clear story to tell, and knows when to get all GROWLY AND INTENSE. That said, he’s also utterly boring. Yes, he’s cut a handful of good promos, but over the last 20 years, nothing has made me nod off as consistently as Triple H talking. There’s no true spark or passion to a Triple H promo – it’s all counterproductive posturing and ego. Just because a person can speak, doesn’t always mean they should.

Randy Orton

Accomplishments: 12-time World Champion, second in line behind John Cena for a solid decade

And here we have Triple H’s unholy offspring. Learning at the King of Kings’ feet, Randy Orton’s promos are every bit as blandly competent at Hunter’s, but they’re also afflicted by the PG-era obsession with awkward catchphrases and robotic verbiage. So, Orton promos that would be boring to begin with end up peppered with constant references to the WWE UNIVERSE and reminders that he is, in fact, THE VIPER, RANDY ORTON. The guy’s just doing his job as he’s been taught, but it makes him come off like some weird over-explaining alien.

Undertaker

Accomplishments: 7-time World Champion, winner at 21-straight WrestleManias, one of the most respected pro wrestlers of all time

Nobody really likes to bring it up, because we all love and respect they guy, but The Undertaker has pretty much always been a terrible promo. His spooky zombie voice wouldn’t scare kids around the fire at a summer camp, and he can’t seem to get though a thought without losing his place. There’s a reason Taker was paired up with Paul Bearer for most of his career. Just listen to the crowd any time Undertaker shows up – they go apesh*t when he comes out or does anything physical, but when he picks up a mic? Dead silence. They know Undertaker talking is usually embarrassing. Deep down, we all do.

There you go, a few wrestlers who can walk the walk, but can’t talk the talk. Any big stars you think are particularly bad on the mic? Cut your promo, below.

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