Previously on Sunday Night Heat: Bite Club enthusiast Gangrel debuted, Stone Cold Steve Austin announced that he’s “bad to the bonz” (whatever those are), and Shane McMahon introduced Jim Ross to FRIEND.
Previously on WWF Raw Is War: Bill Clinton made some very real phone calls to let the Raw announce team know what he thinks about Monica Lewinsky, and the fact that WWF pre-taped Raw sent WCW Monday Nitro into a tailspin of insanity.
You can watch this episode on WWE Network here. You can follow the series and read previous entries on the Heat of the Moment tag page. If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below.
Here’s what you missed 21 years ago on WWF Sunday Night Heat, episode three, originally aired on August 23, 1998.
SHaNE McMaHON FR1eND OF THe WeEK
Before I begin, I just want to point out the horrible timing of starting up a Sunday Night Heat column with Shane McMahon on commentary while both modern Monday Night Raw and modern Smackdown are obsessed with him. I’m really browbeating myself with Shane McMahon content here. But I also started up a WWF Superstars 1992 column right around the time the Ultimate Warrior showed up in WCW, so maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment, and pro wrestling has always been like this.
Anyway, this week’s Shane McMahon “friend” only gets one on-camera shot while Shane laughs at The Rock calling the crowd, “the largest collection of trailer park trash The Rock has ever seen,” and is identified in passing as “Kara.” She does a great job of making Shane seem cool! Hey we should have more SHANE MCMAHON on television! Great idea, rabble rabble!
HeAT 1NDEX
“Kara” – ???
When you realize you’ve spent a decade wasting your God-given ability to write trying to convince people why they should watch a show that hates anyone who watches it – ❄️❄️❄️❄️
Casually moving on and not being depressive in a Sunday Night Heat column- ?
JeFF HaIRRETT
This week’s A-story is about Jeff Jarrett, who is about to lose a hair vs. hair match and is therefore suddenly obsessed with cutting everybody’s hair.
The opening match is a barn-and-the-rest-of-the-property-burner between 1998 super teams The Oddities and Southern Justice, which the writers have stuffed with everything they can think of to keep you from watching it. It opens with The Rock randomly showing up with entrance music to set up a ladder on the stage and immediately leave, features a long bit in the middle where Dustin Runnels walks through the crowd with his HE’S COMING BACK signs, and ends with Jarrett storming the ring for a disqualification and trying to shave Luna’s braids off. They might as well have put the Dancing Baby video in the bottom left corner the entire time to make sure you don’t notice how bad the wrestling is.
Brazzers dot com
Jarrett’s supposed to wrestle Darren “The Darren” Drozdov in the main event, but Sunday Night Heat main events go 30-seconds max, so it ends quickly with X-Pac (in an amazing vintage T. Micheal Bodybuilding Gear tanktop) running in from the crowd and shaving a chunk out of the back of his hair. If you needed any insight onto who is winning or losing a hair vs. hair match in the next month, it’s probably the guy who let his rival shit off a big piece of it in advance.
Anyway, please do not look directly at the Southern Justice.
HeAT 1NDEX
Pac’s tank – ?
Jeff Jarrett being so close to the best-ever version of his character – ?
Justice below the Mason-Dixon line – ❄️❄️❄️❄️
DRuNK HaWK
If you’ve been following along with the vintage Best and Worst of WWF Raw Is War, you know how much I’ve typed about how the “Drunk Hawk” angle is simultaneously terrible television, terrible pro wrestling, and easily one of the most opportunistically soulless things WWE’s ever done. They took a wrestling legend who had real problems with substance abuse and gave him this story where he constantly embarrassed himself because of substance abuse. It’s a good time for everyone!
Here, a scheduled Animal vs. D’Lo Brown match never happens because Drunk Hawk climbs into the ring in street clothes and starts warming up, thinking it’s a tag team match. Hawk’s antics allow the Nation to beat up Animal 2-on-1 until Droz makes the save, and we get these lingering close-ups of Hawk sitting on the floor looking like he’s gonna throw up. Let’s just … let’s just go to the Heat index.
HeAT 1NDEX
This whole angle – ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️, because it’s hard to find an emoji for, “you should be ashamed of yourself, I don’t care if this was 20 years ago.”
CHaRACTERS WeLCOME
In happier news, an Owen Hart and Dan Severn vs. Headbangers match happens to show us how Severn’s already taught Hart some MMA moves for his big Lion’s Den match with Ken Shamrock at SummerSlam, and Jim Ross and Shane McMahon are tasked with doing another hilarious “coming up next” USA Network sales pitch. Here it is, transcribed again for your enjoyment.
JR: “Well folks, by the way, be sure to stay tuned here on the USA Network, because first a serial killer is making WAVES on the beach, get it, and Jamie’s boyfriend is a prime suspect, on an all new Pac Blue!”
Shane: “Then at 9, Tom is the victim of a drive by shooting. Now Casey is on the hunt to track down the trigger man, on an all new Silk Stalkings!”
JR: “And at 10, section one’s founder kidnaps Nikita for a mission she may NOT survive! On an all new La Femme Nikita, USA Sunday Night Heat, coming up next, right here on USA”
Shane: “good strategy here by Mosh and Thrasher”
First of all, Jamie sounds like she has a really hard life, but at least she doesn’t have to track the subject “porno style.” Second of all, I love the Heat announce team calling these characters by their first names like we just automatically know who they all are. Oh yeah, TOM, I sure feel bad that my good friend Tom got capped. I hope my other good friend Casey can track down that trigger man!
In other All New Pac Blue news, there’s a short followup interview with Mario Lopez where he talks shit to Val Venis about their scuffle back in episode one, and I didn’t realize AC Slater and Alberto Del Rio were the same dude until literally right now.
TuRN THaT LaDDER S1DeWAYS
Speaking of that Rock promo that makes Shane and “friend” laugh, it’s the one where he accepts Triple H’s challenge for a ladder match at SummerSlam, drops what I believe is his first use of, “roody-poo candy ass,” and provides me with the phrase, “rung, by rung, by damn rung,” that I’ve been quoting in real life for no reason for 20 years. He doesn’t completely have the cadence of the catchphrases and baby talk down yet, but he’s very close, and between SummerSlam and Survivor Series the crowd starts figuring out that he’s maybe kinda sorta way better at this than everybody else.
HeAT 1NDEX
Rock’s promo – ? by ? by damn ?
YaMAGUCHI GaNG
This week’s best moment is the formal debut of Evil Mrs. Yamaguchi-san, who decided to turn heel and start helping her friends cheat in matches because Val Venis and his dickless friend agreed he should dump her. She’s also wearing dark makeup all of a sudden, and to put it in accessible terms, it’s a lot like when Ami-chan goes from being Sailor Mercury to Dark Mercury on the live action Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon series. That’s a reference everyone can get, right?
Anyway, Mrs. Yamaguchi-san helps TAKA Michinoku defeat Scorpio by distracting the referee, and also sticks up for MR. Yamaguchi-san for the first time, prompting Jim Ross’ incredible call of, “THE WIFE DEFENDING THE LITTLE HUSBAND THERE.” Dying. After the match, Val Venis — who you’ll remember money-shat Mrs. Yamaguchi-san with a penis-shaped-and-colored Super Soaker full of Viscous Substance™ on Raw — shows up and promises to … well, do this to them on Raw. Elbows deep.
HeAT 1NDEX
Evil Mrs. Yamaguchi-san – ?????
The fact that Evil Mrs. Yamaguchi-san only lasts for two episodes and then vanishes forever – ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️
NeXT WeEK
It’s the “kickoff show” for SummerSlam 1998 and the HIGHWAY TO HELL, featuring the secret origin of Howard Finkel’s bald look, more humiliating Road Warrior Hawk content you’ll wish you hadn’t seen, and Stone Cold Steve Austin going full Goldberg on a hearse. Okay, not full Goldberg. He’s not that dumb.
See you then!
