Previously on Sunday Night Heat: Shane McMahon made his in-universe debut as a guy who screams like announcer Vince McMahon, but without any bass in his voice. Plus: Jeff Jarrett debuted The Stroke (slapnuts), AC Slater speared Val Venis, and one of the Godfather’s hoes pretended to be a fan in the front row to show her boobs to D-X.
Previously on Raw Is War: Mr. Yamaguchi-san made good on his promise to choppy-choppy Val Venis’ pee-pee. Or did he?
You can watch the second episode on WWE Network here. If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below.
Here’s what you missed 21 years ago on WWF Sunday Night Heat, episode two, originally aired on August 9, 1998.
THe F1RST NoELLE
This week’s episode of Sunday Night Heat opens with an absolutely incredible, seemingly forgotten Mick Foley promo where he talks about how he took his kids to Santa’s Village and got kissed on the cheek on a roller coaster by his daughter because she thinks he’s “a good man,” and how The Undertaker tried to take that away from him by murdering him in the face with a steel chair. If you’re following the vintage Best and Worst of Raw column, you’ll remember that Kane “accidentally” chaired Mankind in the skull trying to hit Undertaker, and then Undertaker picked up the chair and hit Mankind again, on purpose, instead of Kane. Why? Because CAHOOTS, GODDAMMIT.
He then talks about the falls he took at King of the Ring ’98, and how nobody appreciates the lengths he goes to to destroy his own body for our amusement. Like all good Foley promos, this is rooted in reality with some extreme interpretations of what crowd reactions mean. In a comment that will give you chills if you watch in 2019 knowing everything he’s done post-No Way Out 2000, Foley says that his career won’t end in a “blaze of glory;” instead, it’ll end with him slowly breaking down and losing control of his bodily functions while we decide to cheer for somebody else. He’ll handle his issues with Kane later, and calls out The Undertaker for tonight.
Classic, exceptional mic work from Foley that I recommend you checking out. “Commissioner Foley” will forever be a drag, but Mick in his prime is one of the best to ever do it.
Oh, and that Mankind vs. Undertaker main event doesn’t happen because Kane “turns” on Mick and choke-shoves him through what I guess is the timekeeper’s table before it even begins.
“Why Kane why” you may be asking, especially if you’re Michael Cole? Well, friends, it wasn’t Kane at all: it was his elder in supernatural cahootery, The Undertaker, once again disguising himself as his brother to get the jump on an opponent and bash Mankind’s brains in.
This sets up another confrontation between Kane, Undertaker, and Vince McMahon — the worldwide leader in cahoots management — and I’m thrilled that 1998 WWF’s using their extra hour of television time to utilize their workers’ talents, build on a story, and make you want to watch their flagship show. What a crazy concept, huh?
HeAT 1NDEX
Mankind’s promo – ????
Undertaker, master of disguise – ???
A 2-minute bait-and-switch non-match main event – ❄️❄️
A N1GHT OF PReSS SLaMS
Firstly and most impressively, here’s Mark Henry gorilla pressing The Man They Call The Man They Call Vader. He doesn’t really do a full slam, just kinda getting him up and then dropping him back down onto his feet to roll out of the ring, and yeah, Henry’s legitimately the “strongest man in the world” at this point, but seriously, holy shit, he’s press-slamming 400 pound Vader. It gives me the same rush of adrenaline I got as a kid watching Barry Windham hit a vertical suplex on Abdullah the Butcher. Insane strength, and not even as much cooperation from Vader as you’d imagine.
The match rules while it’s happening, too. It’s two enraged hosses throwing bombs at each other, Vader working so stiff it makes Henry start bleeding from the nose and mouth, and Henry retaliating by hitting him with four big splashes in a row. The referee calls castigo excesivo for Henry’s splashes though, cutting the match early and ending what could’ve been a classic with WWE’s worst finish: disqualified for kicking too much ass.
HeAT 1NDEX
The match, while it lasts – ?
The ability to legitimately lift Vader over your head with your bare hands – ???
The finish – ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️
Also pressing slam this week is Billy Gunn, who shows up alongside Determined Excellence to fight off Kaientai after X-Pac has literally kicked the ever-loving shit out of TAKA Michinoku. Like Henry vs. Vader, this might’ve been a classic if it’d existed in an alternate timeline where crash TV wasn’t all the rage and the WWF wasn’t training our attention spans to max out at 90 seconds.
Anyway, Kaientai attacks Pac after the win and D-X comes to his aid, despite the announce team spending the whole match talking about how they’re going to make a big announcement on Raw tomorrow night and break up the group. X-Pac and Triple H have been getting in each other’s faces over the King of the Ring and the Intercontinental title picture recently, so everyone’s convinced they’re splitting. They do, but not how you’d think. Billy Gunn shows off his incredible strength by lifting 140 pound MEN’s Teioh over his head and Keioh’ing the men.
As a bonus, Mr. Yamaguchi-san tries to back up the ramp to avoid conflict and runs into Chyna, who elbow smashes him so hard he rolls down the entire ramp and bowls over TAKA at the bottom. Good times.
HeAT 1NDEX
That kick – ??
Expecting us to think D-X was breaking up over some bullshit – ❄️
Kaientai’s booking when they aren’t trying to cut off a dude’s schlong with a sword – ❄️❄️
DoUBLE STaNDARDS
Remember when Daniel Bryan got fired for choking out Justin Roberts with a necktie? Here’s Dennis Knight, the artist formerly known as Phineas I. Godwinn, doing the same to Head Banger Mosh on this episode.
I guess they only fire you if somebody’s paying attention?
One of the big focuses of this episode is getting over the concept of “Southern Justice.” PIG and HOG were repackaged as super cereal southern bad-asses Dennis Knight and Mark Canterbury, and while they never seemed to do much besides accompany Jeff Jarrett to the ring and help him cheat, they were supposed to be a sort of “guns for hire” tag team. You can see their calling card above. What’s funny about this is that it’s the same concept that would eventually save the careers of Ron Simmons and Bradshaw, as the Acolyte Protection Agency were guns for hire strongmen who’d show up and kick somebody’s ass if you paid them enough. Bradshaw just kind of aimlessly wrestles Dustin Runnels on this episode, and the World Wrestling Federation’s devoting like 20 of 60 minutes to convincing us the Godwinns are cool. It’s still the Godwinns vs. the Head Bangers, man, I don’t care how many pairs of slacks they wear.
SoJu — that’s what their friends call them — return later to, get this, help Jeff Jarrett cheat. Jarrett goes one-on-one with Droz, and loses when Tennesee Lee tosses his boot into the ring as a foreign object only for Droz to use it on Jarrett. This is the last straw for Double J, and Tennessee is like, “oh you want to fire ME? How about I get my HOG FARMER GOONS TO FIGHT YOU.” Southern Justice decides to beat down Tennessee, I guess for making assumptions, and align themselves with Jarrett. Jarrett tells the crowd they can kiss his “a-double-s,” reminding us that he is never, ever going to be cool.
HeAT 1NDEX
Southern Justice the first time – ❄️
Southern Justice the second time – ❄️
Southern Justice any other time they appear in the WWF – ❄️
D-Bry getting fired, thereby removing the best guy from The Nexus a day after it started – ❄️❄️❄️❄️❄️
ANoTHER QuICK WoRD ABoUT DRoZ
The newest installment of “Droz’s World” is just him saying, “heh, I have tattoos and piercings and long hair, I’m just bein’ me,” which is the kind of thing you want from a wrestling character if you’re a middle schooler worried about fitting in, or something. The worst part is that now instead of “Droz” or “Darren Drozdov,” everyone’s trying to get calling him THE DROZ over, including this random, unidentified production assistant at the end of the clip who says “The Droz” is cool because he likes “anyone who yaks.” Who’s writing these bits, the kids from the Capri Sun commercials?
SHaNE McMaHON
wink
Shane McMahon is on commentary once again, alongside “Mariah and Linda,” who are in it for the free sneakers. Since I didn’t want to ramble on about him for the entire column, here are the top 6 worst Shane McMahon quotes of the episode. These are all real, in case you’re wondering.
- [Beavis voice] “fire fire fire fire fire fire fire!”
- “You could say that Mosh is all tied up! Heh heh heh!”
- “Look at this, that’s blood snot right there! Nice!”
- “Look about below! Bah-BOOOM!”
- “You can’t blame Bradshaw, you know, Bradshaw’s gearing up here, he’s up and coming here in the WWF, just doing what he does best, which is beatin’ … beatin’ keister.”
- “JR, you see any clam chowder coming out of the Droz’s mouth? You gotta love that! THE DROZ! HE’S OUTTA CONTROL!”
We also learn about a BIG NAME CELEBRITY coming to Raw tomorrow night, and get another awkward “Jim Ross has to talk about something sex-related” moment.
“Tomorrow night, a special joint press conference between Val Venis and his buddy, now get this, John Wayne Bobbitt.”
“Aw you gotta be kidding me. You mean the guy, that got the knife, and the ex-wife?”
“Yeah Lorena took care of John Wayne, just like, well I guess supposedly, Mr. Yamaguchi took care of Val Venis!”
HeAT 1NDEX
Shane McMahon’s commentary – ❄️❄️❄️
Jim Ross’ summary of current events – ?
The state of this Val Venis story – ???
CoMING UP NeXT
This week I want to leave you with JR and Shane’s advertisement for why we should stay tuned to the USA Network following Sunday Night Heat, verbatim and preserved in amber. Every word of this is funny to me, and I hope you enjoy it.
JR: “Well folks the heat continues to rise here on USA tonight, first Jamie goes undercover … PORNO STYLE, to take down an illegal prostitution ring. That on an all new Pac Blue starring Triple H, right here tonight.”
Shane: “A very fitting role for Triple H, then at 9 following Pac Blue, CRIMES of passion heat up Palm Beach on an all new Silk Stalkings.”
JR: “Then at 10, Nikita comes face to face … with a deadly computer, that on an all new La Femme Nikita, all that coming up next here on the USA Network.”
And you thought AC Slater riding a bike to fight crime on the beach was enticing! Before they were the police procedurals, Modern Family re-runs, and rich trashy white family reality show network, they were basically a PG-13 Cinemax that sometimes had dog shows. USA: characters welcome.
