Welcome to our newest weekly column, Jesus Christ, Superstars, in which we go through a bunch of WWF Superstars episodes from 1992 (as seen here on WWE Network) and catch you up on what you need to know. Which is … well, nothing, but shut up, we want to write about it.
If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here. If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below.
Up first, here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for April 18, 1992.
Jobbers Of The Week
Note: If you’re like me, this is absolutely what you’re clicking on a show review from 1992 to read about. As a bonus, it allows me to cover literally every match in WWF Superstars history.
Up first this week is the Enhancement Talent all-star team of future WWF Light Heavyweight Champion (no, really) Duane Gill and head-canon kayfabe father of the Hardy Boyz, Barry Hardy. They’re up against the Legion of Doom, who in 1992 chose their opponents almost exclusively based on how many times they thought they could flip them in mid-air with a clothesline.
WWF fans who jumped onboard in the Attitude Era may recognize Gill as “Gillberg,” the Bill Goldberg parody that should’ve been a one-time thing (especially since WCW had already done the same gag a year earlier) but lasted for years. He even showed up on a 2017 episode of Raw, which is somehow even more ridiculous than Goldberg returning and winning the Universal Championship. At least that could never happen.
These two wrestled on the independent circuit as the “Lords of Darkness,” which is hilarious on a number of levels I’m not even sure I can articulate. Barry Hardy also had a run as “Executioner #2,” which is what you might call yourself after eating too much Chipotle.
Meet Chris Hahn (aka “Chris Hawn”), a man who figured out how to have a mullet and a ponytail at the same time. It looks like he’s got a quail sitting on his head. Longtime fans may remember him as the wonderfully 90s named “Johnny Paradise.” He eventually became an actor and a stunt man and is still active doing work in low budget action movies, which makes sense, because his most memorable WWF moment was getting set on fire by Papa Shango. He also runs his own YouTube page, which more guys like this should do.
Hahn loses to one of my all-time favorite WWF gimmicks, THE REPO MAN. You didn’t make a lot of money in the World Wrestling Federation in the 1990s, so you had to have a second job. Repo Man always cracked me up because he was supposed to be a repossession agent, but those are just normal looking people, so he wears an old-timey burglar mask and sneaks to the ring like a cartoon character. He also wears a singlet with tire treads all over it, to suggest that he’d just been run over by a car. He’d try to hang you to death with a rope after he won. You know, like repossession agents do.
Tom Bennett makes the most of his Superstars match with Intercontinental Champion Bret Hart by showing up in a sweatshirt with his name on it. It’s not enough to distract the excited ladies and extremely confused children in the crowd, but at least I didn’t have to try to remember what his name was when I was taking screenshots.
Bennett’s total offense against Hart is a collar-and-elbow tie-up that doesn’t work. Great job!
‘The Model’ Rick Martel makes similarly short work of Red Tyler, a man who looks like the 16-year old Undertaker fell asleep on the patio and got sunburned. Like a lot of these guys, he eventually found his way to WCW’s weekend shows and got on TV every time Harlem Heat needed to go over some super white-looking guys.
Fans of the Best and Worst of WCW Monday Nitro column know Jim Powers, a man so strong he named himself both “gym” and “power.” He’s wearing a robe here so you can’t see his armpit vascularity.
He teams up with shoot child molester Buck Zumhofe, who had already been convicted of sexually assaulting children twice by 1992. He’s currently in jail serving a 26-year sentence for the same shit. None of this part is a joke.
They lose in the main event to WWF Tag Team Champions Money Inc, who were such a good tag team I can rely on you to have your own memories and nonchalantly scroll to the next page.
Kerry Von Erich defeats Warren Bianchi, and while I don’t want to claim that Bullet Bob was ever shooting blanks, I’m about 75% sure this guy is the Road Dogg’s biological father. Look at him.
Last and somehow least is Mark Roberts, seen here being obscured by a mentally handicapped Viking known as The Berserker. Berserker doesn’t even get time to ask him if he would like some making fuck, as I’m pretty sure this is the only set of tapings Roberts worked, possibly ever.
Holiday-Themed Burn Of The Week
It’s Easter time, so co-host Mr. Perfect uses a basket of candy as a prop to shade the recently returned Ultimate Warrior. This is some Road Warrior Hawk-level trolling:
“What’s with the bunny? Well speaking of bunnies … dumb bunnies, that is! How about the Ultimate Warrior? He’s the only man alive dumb enough to stick his nose in Sid Justice’s business. Jellybeans? Yeah, jellybeans for brains! Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not the kind to Easter egg the Warrior on, but by the time Sid Justice gets done with him, we won’t be talking about an Easter basket … we’ll be talking about a basket CASE! HA HA HA!
Vince McMahon doing bug-eyes like Perfect just dropped a string of n-bombs on Sunday morning children’s television really makes it.
Old Fashioned American Values Of The Week
Speaking of dumb bunnies, the Ultimate Warrior is back in the World Wrestling Federation after a hiatus (read: holding up the company for more money) and just saved Hulk Hogan from an attack by Papa Shango and Sid Justice at WrestleMania VIII.
The plan, I guess, was to just turn the Warrior into Hulk Hogan, as he’s complete abandoned the batshit Warrior promos we know and love in favor of hugging a bunch of children, speaking clearly (?) about the power of friendship, and claiming that Sid won’t be able to hurt him because these Little Warriors have his back. If you don’t remember this period in the Warrior’s career, it’s because “snorting about how Hulk Hogan’s going to die in a plane crash” is way more memorable than “America’s great if you love families.”
And speaking of family values, Texas Tornado Kerry Von Erich announces that he’s rededicating his life to his family, to religion, to his country, and to the World Wrestling Federation, Our Lord’s four favorite things. He illustrates this by doing a weird thing where he kisses little girls on the cheek as he’s walking to and leaving the ring. Uh, sure? Like, imagine if instead of Bret Hart giving kids his sunglasses before his match, he gave them backrubs.
In other right-wing American values news, a policeman from Georgia with a Confederate flag patch* on his shirt tells us:
“I stand tall for law, order, and justice, and there’s thousands upon thousands of men, women, and children in this country that believe in me, that believe in law, order, and justice, and they ain’t no way in the hell that I’m gonna let them down, because if anybody steps in the ring with me they’re gonna have to fight us all! Every man, woman, and child, AND the Big Boss Man!”
There’s also a vignette for a mysterious prisoner who is about to get out and manhunt the Big Boss Man, so, uh, looks like a lot of children are about to get murdered. Why is this column so dark?
Quick note: Sean Mooney’s sell of these segments is so good. He can watch Papa Shango cut a promo about how he’s going to strangle an infant in its crib with Satanic magic while lightning crashes in the background and be like, “strong words from Papa Shango, we can’t wait to see what he’ll voo-do next in the World Wrestling Federation,” and he’ll read it like he’s reading the weather.
*I know it’s the pre-Crisis Georgia flag, don’t @ me
By the way, if you’re Canadian you have your own Big Boss Man. They’re basically the same, except the Canadian version’s followed around by a 1950s musician for some reason and his night stick can shock you.
Secret Origin Of The Week
There’s a wrestler named Crush. Want to know how he got the name “crush?” He likes to crush things. Please do not look at his Internet history.
Great Deal Of The Week
The WWF Fan Club is here! Signing up gets you an exclusive membership card, monthly long long ago LootCrate gifts like this cassette tape of the Million Dollar Man rapping, and a SPECIAL BIRTHDAY SURPRISE*. If you want more information, call the pixelated, 25-years-out-of-service number on your screen!
*warning, birthday surprise may be The Ultimate Warrior coming to your house and hugging you because of how much you love America
This narrowly beats out the Coliseum Home Video® release of WrestleMania VII on VHS, featuring awesome special features like The Nasty Boys, Sherri Martel, and The Mountie pretending to be the Rockettes while a crowd of people wonder where Hulk Hogan is.
Embarrassing Catchphrase Of The Week
Eating Disorder Of The Week
Can’t get enough of the hot bodies of Repo Man and The Nasty Boys on WWF Superstars? Tune into WBF BODY STARS, the Vince McMahon (and “Cameo!”) side project that removes the ridiculous “wrestling” parts from your wrestling show and lets you get down to the brass tacks of looking at lats and dicks. It’s like WMAC Masters, but with steroids instead of karate!
Photoshop Scandal Of The Week
evergreen question tbh
The big story heading into the mid-card WWF Championship match at WrestleMania between two of the best wrestlers in history (so Hulk Hogan and Sid could main event) was the rumor that Mach Man Randy Savage’s valet and … property, I guess? Miss Elizabeth was cheating on him with ‘The Nature Boy’ Ric Flair. Flair backed this up with a WWF Magazine article featuring photos of he and Liz purportedly about to get it on, but now that the match is over — and Flair tried to force himself on Miss Elizabeth in the ring at WrestleMania while his face was covered in blood — a weirdly tan 1992 Mean Gene Okerlund informs us that Flair was lying.
How could he have doctored the photos so realistically? Why, with his newest invention: “photo” “shop”, developed by scientists in the adobes of New Mexico. We get some side-by-side comparison photos to prove it, and they’re all great. This one is the best, because of Mean Gene’s analysis:
“And instead of Ric Flair, it’s RANDY and Elizabeth toasting what had to be an incredible meal … wha, they’re toasting with Dom Pérignon!”
Magical.
Next Week Of The Week
Join us next week, as
- a confused Viking lost in time takes on an enormous dead person
- Deep Fakes expert Ric Flair faces his greatest challenge yet in Ron Cumberledge
- Shawn Michaels attempts to prove he’s a Sexy Man before ultimately being forced to admit that he’s just a sexy boy
And more! Plus more of Mean Gene’s self-tanner and Sean Mooney’s deadpan analysis of the most ridiculous people ever born, and hopefully Mr. Perfect’s worked out some banger insults revolving around Arbor Day. The Ultimate Warrior should make like a tree … and leaf! Ha Ha Ha!
