Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: Macho Man Randy Savage and The Ultimate Warrior got into a confusing argument about SummerSlam, Perry Saturn made an appearance, and Razor Ramon made a guy’s dreams come true by shoving him into a fountain.
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Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for August 1, 1992.
Jobbers Of The Week
We’ve got a lot of jobbers to get through this week, so we might as well start with possibly the greatest jobber to ever lace up a pair of boots, Iron Mike Sharpe.
Wait, let’s turn him around.
There we go.
“Canada’s greatest athlete” competed for 25 years between 1973 and 1997, and is probably best known as the all-time leader in faking a forearm injury. Brother’s forearm was injured for at least 24 of those years. He’s also known for yelling and grunting non-stop during his matches, and for wearing some big-ass Andre the Giant Spanx underpants that might as well have had sleeves.
From our eulogy for him in 2016:
Sharpe is one of the most recognizable “enhancement talents” in wrestling history, alongside contemporaries like Barry Horowitz and The Brooklyn Brawler. If you’re making a Mt. Rushmore of wrestlers there to make their opponents look good, Sharpe is the George Washington. A second generation competitor trained by the late Missing Link, Sharpe made a name for himself in Gene Kiniski’s NWA All Star Wrestling. WWF came calling in 1983, and Sharpe — managed by Captain Lou Albano — was initially successful enough to challenge Bob Backlund for the WWF Championship.
Here he loses to Intercontinental Champion Bret Hart, while screaming AAAAAAAH, RAAAAAH, RAAAAAAH NOOOO AHHHH, RAAHHHHHH the entire time. For more on the forever wonder of Iron Mike Sharpe, please consult the following promo, low key one of the best promos of all time.
“HOW ABOUT THAT? [pause] YOU BETCHA.” Love you, Iron Mike.
Also getting the jobber font during Iron Mike Sharpe vs. Bret Hart this week is Bret’s Mom. There’s no way to tell what her actual name is, they checked, nobody knows.
Anyway, Bret Hart is defending the Intercontinental Championship against The British Bulldog at SummerSlam in Wembley Stadium, and Vince McMahon lets the cat out of the bag that “not a lot of people know” Hart and the Bulldog are related by marriage. To explain this in detail, and to expound on how two babyface wrestlers competing for the same championship is tearing a family apart, they get this 68 year old untrained Canadian mom to “shoot” on it. Poor Helen’s comments amount to, “Bret has the belt and Davey wants the belt, they both want the belt, I dunno what to do!”
Bret’s Dad was unable to be reached for comment, but rumor has it he thinks, “eeeeeh meeeh weeeh meeeeehhh”
Opening up the show with a loss to the Nasty Boys (and their nasty butts) is horrible looking jobber stalwart Kerry Davis and his new tag team partner, country-western superstar Randy Travis. Wait, sorry, that’s Ross Greenberg, a ’90s enhancement guy who put over the Hardy Boyz in his final appearance and in his post-wrestling career has apparently enjoyed a lucrative career as a pharmaceuticals snitch. The things you discover when you Google quote jobber name unquote wrestler!
The Nasties win after Jerry Sags kills Kerry Davis with a graceful, hips-destroying elbow drop. Now there is one wooden cross on the right side of the highway. Why there’s not two of them, Heaven only knows.
This guy who looks like Spagett got given the Aldo Montoya gimmick is Tony Roy, most famous for being the first guy Triple H feuded with as a rookie in Killer Kowalski’s International Wrestling Federation (of Massachusetts and Vermont). They’ve followed similar career paths since, obviously.
Roy is so impressive he loses to Papa Shango via normal wrestling moves, and Papa doesn’t even bother setting him on fire or making him leak motor oil. He’s just like, “bodyslams and punching are enough for you, muh huh ha ha ha!” The real dark magic here is how Tony made an entire hairstyle out of pubes.
Now we get to the jobbers who’ve made me laugh the hardest since starting this column, the all-star duo of Flex Armstrong and Richie Rich. Yes, FLEX ARMSTRONG and RICHIE RICH.
This Flex should not be confused with Tough Enough alumni Jason Barrett, also known as Flex Armstrong, who looks like Dave Batista ate Mason Ryan. This Richie Rich should not be confused with poor little rich boy Richie Rich, but SHOULD be confused while deciding to be a professional wrestler and going on television with the name “Richie Rich.” What, did Papa Shango call dibs on the occult and not let you wrestle as “Spooky the Tuff Little Ghost?”
They lose a match to the Legion of Doom in the show’s main event, which is probably overkill as they also would’ve lost to the jobber tandem of Muscles Armbender and Reggie Van Dough. In case you’re wondering how popular the Legion of Doom’s new puppet mascot Rocco is with the crowd, Paul Ellering walks him over to the railing to meet some kids and they immediately start punching it in the face.
SummerSlam You Thought You’d Never See Of The Week
The big push for SummerSlam ’92 this week is that it’s, and I quote, “THE SUMMERSLAM YOU THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER SEE!” Mean Gene says it while slamming his fist on an invisible table, and Vince McMahon makes sure to work it in at least twice during every match.
Why is it the “SummerSlam you thought you’d never see,” you might ask? Well, because of matches like The Undertaker vs. Kamala! The Natural Disasters vs. the Beverly Brothers! And Virgil vs. Nailz! You thought you’d never see it! Maybe they meant, “the SummerSlam you’ll never want to see,” and just worded it wrong? It honestly makes me wonder what the “SummerSlam you thought you’d see” would be. One featuring matches based on stories they’ve been pushing for the past few months? Warrior vs. Papa Shango, Bossman vs. Nailz, Savage vs. Flair, that kind of thing?
Good Boyfriend Of The Week
This great boyfriend who might be Red Tyler in the free Hulkamania tee they gave him for jobbing for a month is making his girlfriend boo The Model Rick Martel when she clearly doesn’t want to. Now she won’t leave him for Rick Martel in the middle of the wrestling show!
Martel, who is facing Shawn Michaels at Wembley Stadium instead of Tatanka even though he’s still cutting promos about Tatanka’s stolen ceremonial feathers because this is the SUMMERSLAM YOU THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER SEE, faces returning jobber Bill Pierce, seen here sleepwalking his way into the arena.
The last time we saw Bill he had a full head of hair, but now he’s shaved it into a stylish FLAT-TOP MULLET. Fashion Policeman Martel immediately hands out a violation by maring him to the ground by it. Let your girlfriend give him a thumbs up, guy, he earned it.
Next Week Of The Week
You want a war? You gonna get one.
Plus, this kid’s “awesum” sign:
All this and the Jason Knight vs. The Berserker match you thought you’d never see, next week on Superstars!