Jesus Christ, Superstars: Skull-Crushing Finale (January 16, 1993)

Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: A reverend did successful missionary work and converted a Ugandan to Christianity. Also we found out the evil clown’s name is “Doink,” and watched Razor Ramon beat the purple Zubaz off of Owen Hart.

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Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for January 16, 1993.

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Jobbers Of The Week

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This week’s most notable jobber is Mickey Jay, pictured here looking like the least interesting tent at Le Cirque des Rêves. Mickey (usually spelled “Mickie,” like Mickie James … wait a minute …) was a referee and wrestler in the dying days of Championship Wrestling from Florida, but he’s best known as one of WCW’s head officials during the heyday of WCW Monday Nitro. He managed big time matches like the Starrcade ’98 main event — yes, that one — and the Owen Hart tribute match between Bret Hart and Chris Benoit. Here he is getting punched in the face by Mongo. You may also know him as the most notable WWE ECW referee, so much so that they made him the only ECW referee in Smackdown vs. Raw 2009, or from his brief run as senior official on Smackdown. Here, he gets his face rubbed in Brian Knobbs’ deeply unsanitary armpit.

Taking the fall in the match, however, is Jay’s tag team partner Rock Werner. Rock’s been pulling a Shawn Spears on Superstars, teaming with every jobber he can find. So far we’ve seen him with poor man’s Bobby Roode Butler Stevens and your aunt’s ex-girlfriend Butch Banks. After that, teaming with Mickie Jay must have felt like he was in there teaming with the Undertaker.

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Here’s Carl Almont. No, not the geisha, although that’d be a pretty hilarious name for a geisha. I’m talking about pre-Crisis Shia LaBeouf back there, not getting a nameplate and calmly stretching in the background like he’s not about to get his whole chest and throat sat on by a 600-pound Samoan. The only other match of his I can find is against the Headshrinkers from that same set of tapings, so I’m gonna assume he wasn’t a wrestler, just some schmoe off the street who’s super into getting his shit kicked in.

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Tom Bennett returns this week, but since his loose-fitting sweatshirt has T.R. BENNETT across the chest, he has to wear it inside out. He chooses to wear it Flashdance style, which isn’t a look a lot of guys can pull off. Especially this one.

Since I didn’t have a lot to say about Native American Superstar™ Tatanka® chopping this guy in the forehead, I googled Tom and found out that literally every other alias he wrestled under sounds hilarious. The Superstars naming committee actually did him a favor for once. Past gimmicks include Killer — that’s Rellik spelled backwards! — both “Kodiak” and “Mighty Kodiak,” Texas Hangman #2, Texas HANGMAN Killer — that’s Rellik Namgnah Saxet spelled backwards! — and the always effective Tough Tom. You may remember him as one half of the also hilariously named tag team DISORDERLY CONDUCT.

Incredibly I also discovered he portrayed the legendary GREY SKULL in Big Japan Pro Wrestling. Yes, Grey Skull was a Skeletor from He-Man gimmick. No, not from the cartoon. FROM THE LIVE ACTION MOVIE. Look at that Frank Langella mask! It might be the real one, they could’ve gotten it on the cheap, who knows!

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In case you’re wondering, his tag team partner on the left there is called TORNADO JUICE. BJPW is GREAT. Ol’ T.J. is also a notable WCW jobber of the era, Bull Pain, but if I start listing off every bizarre gimmick a Japanese booker gave a low quality American wrestler looking for work overseas I’d be here all day.

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Waist Trainer Jones also returns this week, although sadly not in a Messy Tessie from The Garbage Pail Kids Movie gimmick or whatever. As a helpful reminder, “W.T.” stands for “Wilton,” although he very easily could’ve followed Sgt. Slaughter into the G.I. Joe line as “Walkie Talkie Jones.”

He loses via massive brain hemorrhaging to Crush, who is managing to retain his identity as a fun-loving man of the people despite the fact that he wins wrestling matches by trying to crush people’s skulls. Although I guess the Big Boss Man was also a huge fan favorite at the time, and he’s literally a disgraced prison guard let go for brutality who handcuffs his opponents to the ring ropes and brutally beats them with a stick. The WWF should’ve brought in a guy as “Stabby” and had him high-five a bunch of kids before stabbing his opponents with a kitchen knife. They could’ve sold foam kitchen knives.

Speaking of brutal attacks, however …

Doinking Of The Week

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After the match, Doink the Clown (most recently seen wearing an unexplained arm sling) shows up and gives Crush a flower, presumably to avoid any further Stiff Warnings from brah. Crush begrudgingly accepts the apology but he doesn’t want some random clown’s flower, so he turns away to hand it to a child in the audience. All right.

That’s when Doink strikes:

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It turns out that Doink’s sling actually contained a mannequin arm, which he uses to beat Crush within an inch of his life. I’m talking complete split-ends unconsciousness, a full-on stretcher job, and multiple cutaways to crying children. When you stiffly warn a clown and he beats your ass for you, you might as well leave your purple boots and shrubbery-quality mullet in the ring.

I like that Doink tried to hide the arm, though, severely overestimating how much the World Wrestling Federation will notice or care if he’s carrying around random mannequin parts.

Excellent Execution Of The Week

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WWF Champion and possible fascist Bret Hart promises he’ll get back at Razor Ramon for his attack on Owen by executing him at the Royal Rumble. As you know, their Rumble match ends with Bret delivering the King’s justice and severing Razor’s head with the Hart ancestral sword, Ice.

That was the Harts, right? A well-meaning, legendary family from the far north with too many kids who’ve faced tragedy after tragedy trying to be honorable in a world where only the dishonorable succeed thanks to being in direct opposition to an aging war monger, his weird incestuous kids, and the dwarf they disowned? And let’s not forget that aging war monger’s son in law, who made his name leading a revolution only to become King, become complacent, and father a bunch of bastards?

Exactly. The Harts.

Giant Threat Of The Week

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The only other thing you need to know from this week’s episode is that Harvey Wippleman is upset about having his slave labor taken away by a reverend — a reverend who treats him like a man, but doesn’t seem willing to buy him a shirt — and promises to drop a BIG BOMB on them.

At first I thought he was referencing Adam Bomb, Crush’s future weed buddy, but Bomb doesn’t debut until May, and he isn’t actually managed by Wippleman until later. No, Harvey wants you to put the emphasis on big, not bomb. At the Royal Rumble, he’ll debut the biggest bomb he could find: an 8-foot tall Argentinian who can barely move, wears pajamas with human muscles drawn on them, and wrestles in furry underwear to make it look like his pubes grew all crazy and formed natural clothes. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US, SLICK?

Next Week Of The Week

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If I can get up my nerve, I’m going to ask her to the big homecoming dance. Oh, wait, sorry, you mean THAT Crush. [checks notes] He died. From the clown attack. Sorry, everyone.

See you next week!

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