Previously on Jesus Christ, Superstars: Voodoo kin mafioso Papa Shango put a dread curse on the Ultimate Warrior to give him an upset stomach and make him puke everywhere. He could’ve just taken him to Arby’s.
If you’d like to watch this week’s episode, you can do that here, and you can support the column (so we’re allowed to keep writing it) by reading previous installments on our Jesus Christ, Superstars tag page. If you like these, and our break from the normal Best and Worst format, make sure to share it around so it gets read and drop us a comment below.
Here’s what you missed 27 years ago on WWF Superstars for May 23, 1992.
Jobbers Of The Week
This week’s most notable jobber is definitely The Dublin Destroyer, a guy who looks like Fit Finlay had one of the Nasty Boys’ babies, but who at least had the decency to show up to the tapings with a gimmick and some gear.
You wouldn’t know it from looking at him, because he looks like Brian Bosworth in a diaper, but the Destroyer ended up having a better and more long-lasting career than almost anyone else in the column. He only wrestled for a few years, traveling around as enhancement talent, and when that was over he went down to Walt Disney World and got a job working on the Indiana Jones stunt show. That got him a job doing stunt work for Hulk Hogan on Thunder In Paradise, which he parlayed into an acting and stunt career that continues to this day. Dude’s been in everything from Oz, The Sopranos, Boardwalk Empire, and Jessica Jones to the damn Adventures of Pete & Pete. That’s a hell of a filmography. Brother just worked on Glass.
The only thing I can find about his partner, Vince Sola, is that he had two matches ever, both at these Syracuse TV tapings. He leaves a legacy that lets the children watching at home know that if they work hard and believe in themselves, one day they too can have the muffin-shaped body and high-waisted burglar leggings needed to lose to the Bushwhackers.
“Worst Guy We’ve Seen So Far, Somehow” Kerry Davis is back this week and gets a name graphic before his loss to the Ugandan Giant Kamala, so we’re going to talk about him again. He still looks like he’s wearing a spiked toupee with rat tail hair extensions in the back. Vince McMahon wonders if he’ll end up boiling in a pot “with carrots and potatoes,” because black people from other countries being mindless, cannibalistic savages is still a thing you could get away with in 1992.
Surprisingly, Kamala is not a ring general, and is unable to Carry Davis.
Not Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight is also back this week to lose to The Mountie, who the announce team assures us will face “punitive action” if he uses an 8,000 volt shock stick on one of these independently contracted randos.
Fun fact: According to the pro wrestling Wikipedia, “Bob Knight is a American Professional wrestler.” Thank goodness there’s a page on the Internet confirming that for me, otherwise I would’ve mistaken him for a Guatemalan plumber.
Also also getting a name graphic for the first time this week is Mark Kay, which is good, because the name on the Mark Kay is professional wrestling. He teams up with Aging Stallion Jim Powers to last about two minutes against WWF Tag Team Champions Money Inc., the unstoppable combination of a rich guy and his accountant.
Money Inc. makes an example out of them to show they aren’t afraid of upcoming opponents The Natural Disasters, who if you aren’t familiar are two guys so fat they had to name themselves after crisis events. Next week Money Inc. will test their might against Donny Blimpwreck and The Boston Molasses Flood.
Also also also returning this week is Barry Hardy, who fails to defeat the British Bulldog, who is preparing for a big showdown with the Repo Man because of that whole attempted hanging murder thing from a couple of weeks ago. Barry Hardy looks like he just repossessed Kerry Davis’ haircut.
We find out why the Repo Man wants to kill the Bulldog, as well; per a picture-in-picture interview, “dogs have always ruined his business.” Please update your copy of whatthefuckiswrongwiththerepoman.txt with, “thinks a man who calls himself a dog is an actual dog,” and possibly, “hangs dogs until they’re dead, question mark.”
Fear Bump Of The Week
Here’s The Undertaker defeating Bill Pierce with his signature move, “being The Undertaker.”
Kid Dressed Better Than Virgil Of The Week
In Money Inc. adjacent news, local meatsauce enthusiast Virgil defeats Duane Gill and once again wears those candy striper tights with tassels around the calves, which I have still not heard a good explanation for in 30 years of knowing what a Virgil is.
Compare and contrast him with this fan in a vintage Bart Simpson, “Go For It, Dude!” tee. He might be stupid enough to think Virgil’s one of the Bushwhackers, but he’s smart enough to not go out in public wearing no shirt and candy cane pants.
Hyper Optimism Of The Week
Then why were you always such a number two?
These Guys Are Definitely On Drugs Of The Week
“WOO YOU SEE OWEN WE STILL ON THE MOVE BABY, WE STILL ON THE GO, I’M TELLING YOU WE STILL GOT A LOT OF ENERGY, AND WE’RE SO HIGH! THAT’S RIGHT, A NATURAL HIGH LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. NATURAL HIGH. ALL THE SCHOOL KIDS SAY OH WE LOVE OWEN HART AND THE BIRDMAN. THAT’S RIGHT, EVERYBODY’S TALKING BOUT NATURAL HIGH, WOO, HIGH ENERGY.”
Koko manages to be weird even for a guy in ska suspenders and genie pants who carries a tropical bird with him everywhere he goes. I don’t know what my favorite part is here, the fact that Frankie tries to bite Owen Hart’s finger in the middle of the promo, or Koko’s spectacular send-off:
Romantic Picnic Of The Week
Kimono casual Nature Boy Ric Flair and his best friend, Windbreaker Mr. Perfect, have a scenic, romantic picnic with a woman between them because they are not gay. Flair and Perfect have been using photoshop to try to break up the Macho Man Randy Savage and his wife, The Lovely Elizabeth™, and now they’ve escalated their deep-fakery to answering machine messages. They play a message from Elizabeth where she says she can’t wait for “you” to get him so she can perform some wifely congress, and apparently possession of archaic answer machine cassette tapes is 9/10 the law of marriage.
Nobody’s going to fall for this, especially after Flair tried to French Liz while his face was covered in blood at WrestleMania, but they earn points for the ridiculous setting, and for Mr. Perfect applying his gum-removal technique to cassette tapes:
Join us next week when Ric Flair shows us a Valentine from Miss Elizabeth where she’s X’d out “Randy” and written ACTUALLY RIC FLAIR above it in crayon.
Followup Voodoo Curse Of The Week
If you watched last week’s show, you know that Papa Shango grabbed one of the Ultimate Warrior’s wristbands during his match against the Nasty Boys and used it to perform a mystical voodoo curse. Warrior went down with an upset stomach, and when they wheeled him to the back for medical attention, he threw up ballpark mustard everywhere.
When he’s not off at a sexy picnic, Mr. Perfect is opening Superstars by (1) announcing that the person Warrior threw up all over died immediately afterward, which is some Hulk Hogan-ass revisionist history, and with (2) non-stop puking puns.
“I told you not to bring that up again, McMahon. But I’ve got a gut feeling, that as time goes bile, ha ha ha, we’ll have a more inside look at the Ultimate Warrior, courtesy of the curse, of Papa, Shango!”
I watched him make those jokes, but I could not bulimia eyes!
Later in the episode, the almost always nearly-nude Ultimate Warrior shows up in a suspiciously buttoned-up (and white) WWF jacket that definitely isn’t hiding any sort of prank apparatus, to tell Mean Gene that he’s completely recovered from the curse of Papa Shango thanks to the spirit bomb (or whatever) of the Little Warriors. As he’s talking, he realizes that his head has begun leaking that black goo from The X-Files, and that maybe he’s not so curse free after all …
Please do not notice how Warrior never takes his right hand out of his jacket, or that strange inflation happening on his boob. It’s a voodoo curse, actually. The Devil has been evoked to make sure Warrior throws up his lunch and reenacts important scenes from The Fifth Element.
Warrior’s honestly pretty lucky, as next week Shango escalates his curses from “unexpected leakage” to “literally setting people on fire.”
Speaking Of People Who Leak Of The Week
Check out the latest WBF Magazine, featuring tips on how YOU can look like the stars of the World Bodybuilding Federation!
Wait, you didn’t see that.
Next Week Of The Week
Next week the Natural Disasters are in action, The Big Boss Man is back to continue endangering the lives of thousands as he competes live while a deranged convict is hunting him, a priest of the dark arts literally sets a man on fire, and we get an update on old Garbage Water Head, the Ultimate Warrior.
All this and puns about how it’s “dairy month,” next week on a television show for children!