Your Official With Spandex WWE Hell In A Cell 2014 Predictions

We’ll let YouTube shill it:

WWE’s most dangerous combat zone — Hell in a Cell — returns for a scorching double main event this Sunday. Don’t miss out when Dean Ambrose battles Seth Rollins and John Cena faces Randy Orton inside Hell in a Cell, live on WWE Network starting at 8 ET/5PT.

Here’s your complete WWE Hell in a Cell 2014 card.

1. Hell in a Cell #1 Contender Match: John Cena defeats Randy Orton

2. Hell in a Cell Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

3. 2 out of 3 Falls Match for the Intercontinental Championship: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Cesaro

4. United States Championship Match: Sheamus vs. The Miz

5. Loser becomes the winner’s assistant for a month match: Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella

6. Big Show vs. Rusev

7. Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee (c) vs. Paige

8. Tag Team Championship Match: Goldust and Stardust (c) vs. The Usos

And now, our staff predictions:

Hell in a Cell #1 Contender Match: John Cena vs. Randy Orton

What Should Happen: I really want to see Brock Lesnar vs. Randy Orton. Not only would it be a great match, it’s fresh as a daisy and would give Lesnar a different opponent before his inevitable loss to Hernia Man at WrestleMania 31. Wouldn’t it be a total shocker? Plus, I’d love to see Orton just lording the fact that he has a super-rare shot against Lesnar coming up MONTHS from now, and Cena getting all bent out of shape because he was “about to make Lesnar tap” to a pinfall attempt in their previous match.

What Will Happen: John Cena.

It’s frustrating, but it’s inevitable. Cena vs. Lesnar is the story they want to tell, and if they have Cena lose to him thrice before Roman shows up and dethrones Brock at Mania, the immediate Backlash story is Cena stepping in and being all, “hey jack, you aren’t really WWE Champion until you’ve beaten me.” You know this is going to happen. It’s not even a fantasy booking. I’m in the book of Revelation and it’s coming down to me in visions from Heaven. A boring, depressing interpretation of Heaven.

Staff Picks

David D. – How did we get here? How is it that after RAW I”m more excited about this match than I am Ambrose/Rollins? These two are at a point in their careers that they’re not going to put out a trash match no matter how much we sort of expect them to. By the end of RAW, I was all the way in on an Orton vs. Lesnar feud, and I’m assuming they save Cena/Lesnar for their back pocket in case everyone else on the roster stays injured and they have no choice. Oh who am I kidding? Cena wins after Attitude Adjusting Randy Orton on top of Paul Heyman on top of the San Francisco Giants outfield on top of WWE Best Of Hell In A Cell DVD box set for the win.

Danielle Matheson – Like mixing melatonin and a Lars Von Trier film – a cocktail of drowsiness and misery. I genuinely have no idea who will win (John Cena). I feel like I want John Cena to win (he will), if not only to keep him away from literally everything else I care about, but I also want Randy Orton to RKO him into an active volcano? Wrestling predictions are hard, man.

Austin Heiberg – As much as an Orton/Lesnar match down the line sounds like an interesting curveball, this one has got to be Cena. I’ve run out of punchlines at this point, it’s just All Cena Everything.

Jessica Hudnall – More like Blandy Boreton vs GO F*CK YOURSELF, am i rite? I really want the entire Kansas City Royals to run in and beat up Orton for saying mean things, but I’m sure that would somehow result in Ned Yost telling everyone to leap head-first at Randy. Cena wins this because of course he does, I’m not entirely stupid.

Nathan Birch – John Cena will win, because don’t be ridiculous, but man, I want to see Orton/Brock pretty urgently. Orton can actually be a really physical performer when he’s pushed. Remember his matches with Daniel Bryan? Multiply that by ten. It would be a great storyline too. Somehow Randy beats Cena and suddenly this underachiever has the weight of the world on his shoulders — he’s the one guy who can keep Brock Lesnar from going to Wrestlemania as champion. Does he redeem himself under the pressure, or does it let it twist him into something ever darker? But I guess that might be too involving – fans caring about what happens keeps ’em away from the merch table.

Ashley Burns – John Cena defeats Randy Orton for the Royals and immediately heads into the studio to record a rap remix of the Lorde song, dedicated to anti-bullying efforts.

Hell in a Cell Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Seth Rollins

What Should Happen: WWE should say, “hey boys, you were the best part of basically every show from the end of 2012 until now. You both have a history of wrestling violent matches and being okay. Go absolutely balls to the cage wall and work a gory masterpiece that will shock everyone in the building, be a unanimous vote for match of the year and redefine what modern fans consider the blowoff to a rivalry.” Ambrose wears the crimson mask, Rollins goes flying off the top of the cage and Ambrose wins when he digs a screwdriver into Rollins’ forehead and makes him submit. Then, monkeys fly out of my butt.

What Will Happen: This is a tough one. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of the Cena vs. Ambrose feud (and we’ve got another two pay-per-views to kill before Lesnar returns), so I’m going against my better judgment and picking Ambrose. To be clear, I think Rollins has, like, an 80% chance of winning, but I’m picking Dean. I think he needs to redeem himself after the embarrassing mannequin thing, and all he needs is one really great match and victory to do it. If he kills it here, the mannequin jokes will be relegate to WrestleCrap inductions 15 years from now and we can get back to thinking he’s a cool, violent badass.

Staff Picks

David D. – Ugh. I hate how much I hate this feud now. And I’m even more sad that Meshach Taylor died before he could dress up as Hollywood and accompany Ambrose to ringside. I think Ambrose gets his win and the feud is over. The match will be great and testicles will get tonged. SPELL CHECK.

Danielle Matheson – Who I want to win: Seth Rollins. How I want him to win: You know, as long as he gets out of the cage and he and Dean reenact this around the entire arena, I’m good with anything.

Austin Heiberg – This is a pretty even fight, but if Ambrose just got the Mick Foley rub, I’m going to pick him. I blindly trust Foley in all matters hellish and/or cellish.

Jessica Hudnall – Because Dean Ambrose is an unhinged psychopath, I expect that he will lightly rub Seth’s face against the chain link and maybe hit him in the back with a chair upwards of two times. Seth has friends because he isn’t a super weirdo, and his friends (Or at least Corporate Kane) will help him win this match.

Nathan Birch – They still need to fill out a few champion-less pay-per-views, so Seth wins somehow to continue the feud.

Ashley Burns – Seth Rollins def. Dean Ambrose for no reason other than Brie Bella wouldn’t let us see Ambrose throw Daniel Bryan a bachelor party, so why should Ambrose do anything fun anymore?

2 out of 3 Falls Match for the Intercontinental Championship: Dolph Ziggler (c) vs. Cesaro

What Should Happen: Cesaro in two straight falls. I’m sick and tired of them f*cking around with this guy. Ziggler takes losses on the reg and can take another one. Cesaro is ripe as hell and ready to elevate the entire company. Put the Intercontinental belt on him, make the Intercontinental belt the focus of Survivor Series and TLC — hell, have Cena challenge for it and get beaten — and make money with 1) your secondary titles, and 2) your secondary talent. Note: this is the match when the monkeys that fly out of my butt during Rollins/Ambrose crawl INTO it.

What Will Happen: This is another tough one for me. Everyone’s going to pick Cesaro, I think. I’m almost positive that Sheamus is taking a dinky loss, so I want to pick Ziggler to balance it out. Hell, I’m already the statistical worst in these prediction threads because my pessimism gets in the way of common sense, so I’ll live dangerously and pick Ziggler to retain.

No matter what, I hope this match is given the right amount of time and gravity to steal the show and be the match of the night. I want Cesaro to win, but if he doesn’t, it’s par for the course. If they have Ziggler play Sami Zayn and redo the NXT 2 out of 3 Falls match move-for-move, I’ll be happy.

Staff Picks

David D. – What we have here ladies and gents is a good old-fashioned match of the year candidate on our hands. I imagine this match starts right around halftime of the Saints/Packers game and the score should be GB with 387 points to Saints negative 12. Which means I can cozy up to the TV and really enjoy this match. Cesaro wins in two straight falls.

Danielle Matheson – If Cesaro loses, wrestling is fake.

Austin Heiberg – This is two out of three falls now? Well dang, then I gotta go with Cesaro. If I learned anything from watching NXT, it’s that you don’t pick against Cesaro in a two out of three falls match.

Jessica Hudnall – This match will be a no contest once Cesaro hucks Ziggler out of the arena within the first ten seconds. In reality, Cesaro should take this while Sami Zayn welcomes a defeated Ziggler into the “Lost to Cesaro in a 2/3 Falls Match Support Group and Book Club”. This month, they’re reading Naked Lunch!

Nathan Birch – Cesaro said an honest thing, so he’s never going to win again.

Ashley Burns – Cesaro def. Dolph Ziggler and will eventually be informed that he will get a title shot against Cena early next year. Of course, he’ll lose that and then be put in a feud with Hornswoggle, because life isn’t fair.

United States Championship Match: Sheamus vs. The Miz

What Should Happen: This should be the match where our first glimpse of Damien Sandow going nuclear should happen. He’s Damien Sandow, you know? He’s one of the most talented and enjoyable people on the show, but his popularity has an expiration date. If he stays doing this too long, he becomes corny. If he breaks away from it too fast, he loses what people like about him and becomes the New Alex Riley. The key is in the timing, so if Miz wins the United States Championship with help from Mizdow here and the friction starts, that’s the best call.

As I’ve written about a bunch, you can go mega face OR mega heel with it. If you want him to keep getting cheered, build him up as the only reason Miz won/retains the United States Championship, then have him realize HE should be the one to take it. Punch Miz in the mouth, hit him with a Skull-crushing Finale, pin him with emphasis. If you want him heel, have him “become” The Miz. Realize he’s a better Miz than Miz, and either Single White Female him to the point of insanity or simply rise up and take the spot in a power-hungry burst. If you have him play up the Miz’s worst attributes instead of doing fun stuff like mimicking chinlocks, he’ll be hated in no time. Plus, Miz becomes briefly interesting.

What Will Happen: I think Miz takes it through interference. I don’t know if I’m confident that they’ll follow through with any of the concepts I happily wrote about up there, but I do think it’s time to switch that belt. Sheamus has been a ghost with it — surprisingly not a joke about his skin color — and the Mizdow thing is hot.

Staff Picks

David D. – Are we getting a real-life Miz vs Mizdow feud tease right now? I hope Miz gets the win so we can see that feud happen and the two can headline WrestleMania with a match featuring the first invisible meta-sell performance art job from Sandow. Give me Miz in an upset.

Danielle Matheson – Damien Sandow.

Austin Heiberg – I’ll take Sheamus here so we can get the seeds of tension between Miz and Mizdow. That wonderful stunt double needs to break free from his awful oppressor, and he’ll probably start here. Fly, you strange, wonderful beast.

Jessica Hudnall – I’m again picking Miz and it’s only so Mizdow has another replica belt.

Nathan Birch – This match is illegitimate. Sheamien Mizdow and his novelty belt is the true champion in my eyes. If I must pick a winner, uh, Sheamus I guess.

Ashley Burns – Sheamus def. The Miz, but I won’t know because I’ll have changed the channel to whatever’s on DIY or HGTV during this match.

Loser becomes the winner’s assistant for a month match: Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella

What Should Happen: If I were booking this, I’d book it against type. Brie Bella’s supposed to be the face, but in my mind, the only reason she is is because she’s married to Daniel Bryan, is positioned against heels in The Authority and because they say so. Without the Yes chants she’s no more baby than Nikki, and hasn’t refuted any of Nikki’s ridiculous claims. So I’d focus on making her an actual babyface by doing actual babyface things.

I’d book Brie to win. Have some of Nikki’s cheating backfire and give Brie the surprise duke. Then on Raw, you have Nikki show up as a French maid or whatever with her head hung low all, “I’m ready to be your BITCH.” Then you have Brie say something like, “you’re my sister, and I love you. I’m letting you off the hook on this dumb match stipulation.” Tell her to use the 30 days to take care of herself, and maybe they can learn to be sisters and best friends again. Then, of course, you have Nikki clobber her with a feather duster or whatever and outright mentally torture her for the next month. At Survivor Series (or whenever), Brie goes Actual Brie Mode and destroys her to end the feud. Nikki shuffles off in disgrace to do her own thing, Brie becomes “Brie Bryan” and we all move on with our lives.

What Will Happen: Nikki has to win, because “you have to be my bitch” stipulations are made for heels. There’s no intrigue or tension in Nikki having to clean Brie’s toilets, and Brie’s already unlikable unless you like vague ideas of people more than actual ones.

Staff Picks

David D. – 411Mania reported that this was supposed to be a Daniel Bryan Head In A Jar On A Pole Match but backstage plans changed at the last minute so here we are. Nikki Bella is one of the best working divas on the roster and my brain can’t process it. Can they just play the Uso/Trinity wedding again instead. I cry every time. Anyway, Nikki wins and makes Brie learn how to cut promos for a month.

Danielle Matheson – Nikki for two reasons: 1) Brie is the actual worst and it’s impossible for me to want her to have nice things, and 2) I feel like she’s more high maintenance and has wackier shenanigans to put Brie through. What’s Brie gonna do? “Oh, Nikki, rinse my kale.” “Oh, Nikki, deep condition Daniel’s beard.” “Oh, Nikki, send this postcard to your prom date oh wait you can’t I killed him.”

Austin Heiberg – I’ll take Nikki because I don’t think I can bear to hear that “BRIE MOOOooOooOoOOOoooODE” song one more time than absolutely necessary.

Jessica Hudnall – It doesn’t matter who wins (Spoiler: Nikki wins) because the assistant will just poop in coffee for a month or whatever really stupid stuff that passes for comedy at the Vince McMahon Humor Industries gets churned out.

Nathan Birch – Has a face ever won a “loser has to do the winner’s chores” match? Not that I recall. I mean, where would be the story be in that? Granted Brie is only a face in the most broadly, loosely defined of terms, but I’ll go with Nikki. I’ll always go with Nikki.

Ashley Burns – Nikki Bella def. Brie Bella, because Nikki is already better than Brie in her mind and her breasts’ mind.

Big Show vs. Rusev

What Should Happen: Rusev should literally kill Big Show. Stay with me here.

Big Show doesn’t have much longer in his active career, right? I think they should let Rusev kayfabe kill him. Write him out that way. Have Rusev about to win the match, but WAIT, here come like SIX OR SEVEN AMERICAN SOLDIERS in the ring to help out. Rusev obliterates them with slow motion superkicks and camel clutches while an incapacitated Big Show watches, Old Glory reflected in the tears in his eyes. Once the Howling Commandos are done for, Show gets a second wind of patriotic power and takes Rusev to the woodshed. Show KO punches Rusev as fireworks explode, but before he can make the pin, Mark Henry shows up, swerves him and puts him down with a World’s Strongest Slam. This gives Rusev time to recover, and he wins the match by Accolading Show until actual (not actual) physical death occurs. Show gets the flag draped over his dead body and is taken away by a military guard. Rusev and Mark Henry are big, strong, murderous dudes who prefer Russia.

What Will Happen: There’s no way Show wins this, right? Cena and Kurt Angle are the only two endings to this story. Rusev wins, but via some dumb way the announcers can complain about. Show probably gets the visual pin before it happens.

Staff Picks

David D. – I’m still holding out hope that this ties into a Mark Henry heel turn that ties into them finally getting the Three Anegroes faction going. A man can dream. Either way, Rusev wins and breaks Sergeant Slaughter’s neck on RAW to celebrate.

Danielle Matheson – RUSEV CRUSH [Dear Brandon; please insert, like, 27 heart-related emojis here. Thanks a million. Love, Danielle]

Austin Heiberg – Like I said before, if there was a time to end Rusev’s streak, it would have been SummerSlam. Nope, I think he continues to dominate here, but it’ll be anything but a clean victory. Plus, I’m writing the authoritative history of the serviceman who got clocked last week (Lieutenant Dale X. Machina), and I’ll have a hard time selling it to publishers if the Russian menace ends here.

Jessica Hudnall – THERE’S NO WAY RUSEV CAN GET THE WORLD’S LARGEST ATHLETE IN THE ACCOLADE! oh wait, he’s done it before. Rusev wins because Big Show isn’t America-y enough and I really want to see the creepy Wyatt Kids become Putin Pals, forcing John Cena’s hand (Ok, I might be entirely stupid).

Ashley Burns – Big Show def. Rusev, but it won’t matter because we’ve all lost during this stupid, stupid feud.

Nathan Birch – I smell a really bad finish coming for this one. Big Show’s going to get disqualified for kicking too much ass in the corner. Or maybe he’ll knock Rusev out in the first minute, then leave the ring to chase a butterfly and get counted out. Something that keeps Rusev’s streak intact, but clearly communicates that he’s actually a loser.

Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee (c) vs. Paige

What Should Happen: Paige wins. AJ goes off to watch hockey games and not look sad going through the motions on Raw. Watches tapes at home with Colt while Punk sulks in an upstairs bedroom hate-reading the new Secret Wars. All available Divas are enveloped under ‘Total Divas.’ No more Paige vs. AJ matches ever.

What Will Happen: AJ retains? I don’t know. I kinda want them to pull a WCW Stretcher Match swerve where Alicia Fox interferes and pins somebody and accidentally becomes champion. Yeah, AJ retains.

Staff Picks

David D. – So this is still a thing, huh? I think they just play video of a Kofi Kingston/Dolph Ziggler match from 2012 and nobody notices. *does “Charlotte” chant until my face turns blue* Oh, um, AJ wins and the fans chant “CM Punk” because humans are the worst.

Danielle Matheson – 1. Why is this not in a cell.
2. This should be in a cell.
3. “You can’t gauge Paige’s rage in a cage at this stage” is a fun sentence
4. F*ck you gimme this match in a cell.

AJ retains, but I only because WWE is clearly anti-rhyme.

Austin Heiberg – Speaking of feuds that have written themselves into corners, here’s AJ and Paige. I think AJ will hang on to it here, just because we really need to see how far Paige will go to get the title back. She’s not at the end of her rope just yet.

Jessica Hudnall – Stephanie McMahon recently refuted the rumor that anyone on the cast of Total Divas won’t hold the title. This will be proven true as AJ Lee retains after Paige sneezes and gets caught in the Black Widow.

Nathan Birch – Have we done a single one of these prediction posts where we didn’t have to pick between Paige and AJ? Paige has been banished to the Total Divas netherrealm, so she’s probably not getting the title again.

Ashley Burns – AJ Lee def. Paige, who was already defeated by the decision to ruin her career by cramming her into a show that already has too many Divas.

Tag Team Championship Match: Goldust and Stardust (c) vs. The Usos


What Will Happen: The Sheamus/Miz match gets interrupted by a demon inhabiting Teddy Long’s body. He combines the US and tag title matches into a “winner-take-all” six-man tag. The Usos win, because Goldust and Stardust losing 58 of 60 matches between Night Of Champions and Hell in a Cell wasn’t definite enough.

In all seriousness, though, you have to let the Dusts win, don’t you? They’ve lost SO MUCH. Having them lose here would make them look … well, the same amount of bad they already have, but WORSE SAME BAD. This feud is standing water right now, so I hope they’ve got something more engaging up their sleeves than “an all right match to open the show.”

Staff Picks

David D. – Eventually this gets to be a ladder match, right? I say the Dusts debut a new move called the Dustomer Is Always Right and win, prolonging the feud.

Danielle Matheson – Is this still a thing? Are we doing the thing? Uhhh, okay, the ones with the face paint.

Austin Heiberg – The Usos haven’t really shown anything new in their hunt to get the titles back, so I’m guessing the DUST BRUSTERS will retain. Are we gonna follow up on that Cosmic Key stuff, or what? I took screenshots of all of Stardust’s chalkboards if the WWE writers need notes.

Jessica Hudnall – All they are is Dusts ‘n’ they win.

Nathan Birch – Well, The Dusts have lost to The Usos on every single show since winning the title, soooo, I guess that means they’ll have to retain here.

Ashley Burns – Goldust and Stardust def. The Usos because you don’t mess with a good thing.