Your Official With Spandex WWE Survivor Series 2014 Predictions

WWE Survivor Series 2014 airs live this Sunday, November 21, on the WWE Network. This is a pay-per-view happening during a free trial month, so it’s effectively a “free-per-view.” That means one of two things: lots of crazy stuff will happen to draw in casual viewers and make them want to sign up, or nothing will happen because it’s basically an extra episode of Raw.

Here’s your complete WWE Survivor Series 2014 card:

1. Survivor Series Match: Team Cena vs. Team Authority – if Team Authority loses, they’re not longer in charge. If Team Cena loses, they’re fired.

2. Bray Wyatt vs. Dean Ambrose

3. Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee (c) vs. Nikki Bella

4. Tag Team Championship Fatal 4 Way: Goldust and Stardust (c) vs. The Usos vs. The Miz and Damien Mizdow vs. Los Matadores

5. Survivor Series Match: Alicia Fox, Naomi, Natalya and Emma vs. Paige, Cameron, Layla and Summer Rae

And now, as always, our 100% correct and legally-binding staff predictions.

Survivor Series Match: Team Cena vs. Team Authority – if Team Authority loses, they’re not longer in charge. If Team Cena loses, they’re fired.

What Should Happen: I’ve gotten so tired of fantasy booking John Cena into interesting situations. It’s just not going to happen. You’d think a pay-per-view like this would be PERFECT for a career flashpoint, right? It’s a free show, so everyone should be watching it. He’s in the main event with “everything on the line,” facing the greatest, most insurmountable odds he’s faced this month. His team’s jobs are in his hands. WWE’s been creatively bankrupt since WrestleMania, so now would be the time to do something big and get everyone interested in the NEXT WrestleMania. Hitting Survivor Series hard makes everything after it feel more important. Plus, Cena’s got a title opportunity coming up against Brock Lesnar. All of this adds up to the words DO SOMETHING written in flashing letters across the sky.

I’m not asking for or expecting a Cena heel turn. I’d just like something to happen that mattered, and stuck. If Cena’s team loses and lose their jobs, Vince McMahon showing up on Raw and hiring them back shouldn’t be an option. Remember the last time Cena got “fired” at a Survivor Series? He showed up every week anyway until they gave him his job back. The status quo is the problem. The status quo doesn’t work. No matter what you do, having Cena changed permanently in even a small way going forward would feel like revolution.

What Will Happen: How funny is it that Cena doesn’t help out his team for a month, and now the stipulation is that if he loses a match HE made happen, his TEAM loses their jobs. That has to be on purpose, right? His team has to bail or turn on him, setting up the reveal of a BACKUP team that shows up and wins the match. Orton, Roman Reigns, maybe Daniel Bryan, maybe monkeys flying out of my butt.

The “lose and you’re fired” stuff makes a Team Cena victory look like an inevitability. It’d be nice if Team Authority won and the babyfaces encountered some kind of consequences, but that’s probably not gonna happen. I hope I’m wrong.

As a quick aside, had Grumpy Cat predict the main, and she picked Team Authority.

Grumpy Cat is such a smark.

Staff Predictions:


David D. – If Team Authority loses, they’re not longer in charge. If Team Cena loses, they’re fired. – What should happen is…man…I honestly don’t know what should happen because I have literally zero interest in this match. I recently re-watched the Scooby Doo WrestleMania movie and I was 10x more interested in those matches than this one, and those matches had Sin Cara. I think Cena is the last man standing after eliminating everyone on both teams, then Brock Lesnar’s music hits and he slaughters our hopes and dreams. Other than that, I got nothing. Who’s playing football Sunday night?

Austin Heiberg – John Cena eliminates all five members of Team Authority with five straight Adjustments of Attitude. Then he probably calls Triple H a turd or something.

Jessica Hudnall – I predict everyone on Team Cena except for John will somehow come down with a severe case of Polonium poisoning on Saturday night. Undaunted, John will still manage to eliminate Team Authority because c’mon, I’ve got a brain.

Nate Birch – Team Cena seems like a shoo-in to win this one, or at least they are as long as John Cena’s bumbling teammates don’t stymie his odds overcoming. Stephanie preggo rumors aside, The Authority losing makes sense — they just doesn’t serve much purpose any more. They aren’t a believable foil for John Cena, because everyone knows Cena’s the guy who runs the place, Brock Lesnar has a lock on the title, and there isn’t a super-sympathetic Daniel Bryan type around for them to screw with. They just don’t have much to do, so you’re not losing a lot by shuffling them out of the spotlight for a few months.

Ashley Burns – Team Cena wins. It’s more fun to think of the angle that the authority would lose its power and have to run around crying and complaining that they’re getting screwed over. It’ll last a week, sure, but it’s way better than firing a team of stars (even though that’s what will probably happen).

Divas Championship Match: AJ Lee (c) vs. Nikki Bella

What Should Happen: AJ should show up dressed like Nikki, and Nikki should show up dressed like AJ. They realize that they’re not so different, shake hands and have an exciting, fairly-contested match. After the match they hug, and Brie Bella attacks both of them with a lead pipe. She’s the evil one.

What Will Happen: The rumors of AJ leaving after Survivor Series became so prevalent that denials of it became news, so who knows?

I think there’s a value to putting the belt on Nikki now. She’s hot in the ring, she and Brie are only Divas with stories right now beyond “women be crazy” and a title could inject life into the inevitable Bella explosion followup when Brie’s released from her assistant duties. You’d disprove the “people on Total Divas can’t be Divas Champion” thing, which would make us feel a lot better about Paige being on the show next season. AJ can go skip into the meadows with her comic book writing hockey enthusiast zombie-o-phile boyfriend, or she can skip back into the midcard and use her incredible talent base to build momentum and get the creative aspects of her character moving again. It’s a good decision no matter how you look at it.

Staff Predictions:

Danielle Matheson – I was talking to a friend about this match, and his pick went “Paige. Sorry, not Paige. Whatever Bella. Nikki?” So yeah, what he said.

David D. – And here we are with a sleeper for match of the night. Nikki has been on a tear and AJ is AJ. The always-true Internet believes this is AJ’s last match so she could lose and we can get our Nikki vs. Brie Iron Man Ladder match at TLC we always wanted.

Austin Heiberg – Slighty stumped on this one… all I can call with any certainty is that Brie is going to muddy up the finish somehow. There were all those rumors about AJ leaving soon, and then you still have to resolve the inter-Bella feud… I guess I’ll take Nikki here.

Jessica Hudnall – I have to be honest, I’m fine if AJ takes the loss and decides to hang up her Chuck Taylors. Granted, this is with the assumption that it would mean someone from NXT gets called up to take her spot. Whatever, I’m still going with the Queen Bella here.

Nate Birch – Nikki wins because AJ is totally, 100% leaving for real after Survivor Series and something interesting has to come out of this Brie being Nikki’s servant thing eventually, right?

Ashley Burns – Nikki Bella wins. I hate the idea because of who she is on Total Divas and how worthlessly vapid she is on that show. But she’s busted her ass to get a lot better, and she has starred in a great angle with her sister. I’ve been surprised at how well they’ve done it. I can’t wait to see how poorly that translates into their attitudes on Total Divas. Seriously, it’s going to be awful.

Bray Wyatt vs. Dean Ambrose

What Should Happen: If I worked for WWE, I’d walk up to Bray and Dean, bug out my eyes and say, “Steal the show. No, really. Steal it. Steal the show right now.” Personally, this is important to me as a fan. Bray Wyatt’s been kinda garbage since WrestleMania and Ambrose is walking a delicate line between Important Badass and comedic midcarder. I don’t want to see anyone fighting with mannequins and hot dog carts here. I know it’s not 1983 and we can’t tie them together with chains and have them bleed everywhere, but this should and needs to be a match people talk about for a long time.

I think Ambrose should get the win (since Bray cost him a match he was GOING to win at Hell in a Cell), but either result is fine. The one result I don’t want: the lights going out and someone showing up to interfere. I mean, do that if you’re bringing in Sabu, but if you aren’t, give me a good wrestling match.

What Will Happen: I’m picking Wyatt to win via something wacky, because singles Ambrose is main roster Sami Zayn. He’s not going to lose his heat in a loss, because he’s not really known for winning. How weird is it that Dean Ambrose was the weak link of The Shield? He’s cool and all, but guy should start winning matches that don’t involve contracts on poles.

Plus, Wyatt could really use a strong win over someone. That’s my least favorite part of this pairing … both of these guys have a tremendous upside and should be kept strong. Having them beat each other up without a conclusive ending either way isn’t going to help them, especially if Bray’s off in gaspy, rambly promo land and not saying anything important.

Staff Predictions:

Danielle Matheson – From what I’m to understand of this feud, both keep mumbling and sneak-attacking one another. I’ll give it to Dean Ambrose, but only because Cesaro sneak-attacking the both of them and then doing deadlifts with the entire ring is out of the question. To be perfectly candid, that’s just my answer for everything, so take it with a grain of salt.

David D. – *hits blunt* If a show is free can it really be stolen? I’m assuming so and I’m assuming that this match does just that. Neither of these guys has won a match seemingly all year so this has to be some sort of double DQ or swerve. Or maybe Vision shows up as the real culprit behind the hologram and we get that WWE/Avengers crossover we always wanted.

Austin Heiberg – This hasn’t really reached its boiling point yet, I’d hate to see Dean shut the whole thing down with a decisive win here. I’ll take Wyatt.

Jessica Hudnall – I really want Bray and Dean to develop a friendship surrounding them trying to commiserate over the loss of their friends and family. I guess I’ll go for ol’ crazy-cakes Dean Ambrose to beat Wyatt enough to elicit gasps (Well, more so than normal).

Nate Birch – We need to string this along until the inevitable Dean Ambrose’s Dad on a Pole match, so Wyatt wins here.

Ashley Burns- Dean Ambrose wins. I might lose what little wrestling street cred I’ve ever had for this, but Bray Wyatt is boring now. It was cool at first, sort of a backwoods Raven and the flock, only with far better writing and execution (Billy Kidman’s strung out scratching routine always bothered me). Then again, same idea applies to Ambrose now. That’s why I’d like to see Ambrose win and get a little push back in the right direction.

Tag Team Championship Fatal 4 Way: Goldust and Stardust (c) vs. The Usos vs. The Miz and Damien Mizdow vs. Los Matadores

What Should Happen: WWE should’ve had everyone in the match watching PWG DVDs for the last week. “Do that.” There’s no story and nobody besides Sandow has upward momentum right now, so they should just go for broke and put on the craziest scramble tag ever. I know the Dusts can do it. I know the Usos are the kings of the big paycheck superkicks. I know Los Matadores wish they were on season 1 of Lucha Underground. Break out all your shit, get everything in, have Goldust Yoshi Tonic people from the outside of the middle rope to the floor and leave everyone with their jaw hanging open.

What Will Happen: Miz and Mizdow win via heel chicanery, setting up a bunch of non-title losses that ultimately split the team. You know, either that, or Cody builds a spaceship in the middle of the match and we pretend we didn’t forget about the Cosmic Key.

Staff Predictions:

Danielle Matheson – El Torito goes ham and wins the belts by himself. He then refuses to share with either of the Mat-a-door-ehs and starts a torrid feud with, oh, let’s say Moe.

David D. – We’re really scraping the bottom of the roster barrel when Los Matadores are getting PPV slots. Damien Mizdow wins because the comedy potential outweighs logic.

Austin Heiberg – FINALLY, a chance for the great actors of our age to shine. Miz and Mizdow as tag team champions is easily equivalent to the entertainment of a thousand Grumpy Cats. Them NOT winning would be the biggest Hollywood flub since Crash won Best Picture.

Jessica Hudnall – Like any multiple choice answer, the key is to eliminate the obviously wrong options first. There’s no way Los Matadores get some gold outside of buying some new sparkly headgear. As much as I like Jon, the brothers Uso seem like a longshot, too. I really want Miz and Mizdow to win so that Damien can have a regular belt and then a tiny replica belt, but I’ll stick with a DustBros retain.

Nate Birch – Holy crap, what a pile of I don’t care. The only mildly interesting outcome would be The Miz and Mizdow becoming champs, but I’m feeling an Usos win coming. In theory they can only have the Usos constantly beat everyone else in the division for so long before they give them the titles back.

Ashley Burns – Goldust and Stardust win. This is a really boring match to me. I’m sure it will be better than how I imagine it, but the tag team division needs some new life.

Survivor Series Match: Alicia Fox, Naomi, Natalya and Emma vs. Paige, Cameron, Layla and Summer Rae

What Should Happen: Alicia should wear her sailor hat out to be the “captain” of her team. Other than that, no opinion.

What Will Happen: Everyone gets eliminated within 3 minutes with transitional moves and finishes with no build-up, and Natalya taps out Paige to be her team’s sole survivor. Natalya loves winning these meaningless filler matches. They’re where she’s a viking.

Staff Predictions:

Danielle Matheson – I am so legitimately confused by these teams. I feel like not skipping the last few Raws would have helped, but I also feel like maybe they’re so all over the place with the tertiary Divas that it wouldn’t have made a difference? F*ck it. Cameron as sole survivor.

David D. – The real storyline here is how this will tie into Total Divas. I bet there’s some sassiness that happened backstage and this match is real and off script (TM). Here’s my call: the ring and divas get decimated by a debuting women of NXT. You heard it here first.

Austin Heiberg – Please note that Alicia Fox, She of The Ever-Changing Moral Alignment, cannot be trusted here. Something is afoot. I got Team Paige here. It’s not really called “Team Paige,” but let’s face it, we all know who the Beyonce of this group is.

Jessica Hudnall – Alicia Fox all day. She’s going to Northern lights suplex her team to victory, especially after Cameron tries to pin standing opponents because she’s dumb as a f*cking sack of hammers.

Nate Birch – What the hell is this nonsense? Is Alicia Fox a face again? I’ve honestly lost track. And is that Emma’s name on a PPV card? I guess I’ll give my vote to SummerLay’s team, even if that means indirectly endorsing Cameron.

Ashley Burns – Naomi’s my favorite, so her team wins. But nobody wins when this is one of two Survivor Series-style matches. At least it doesn’t feature Eva Marie, but I can’t wait to hear her explain how he had a photo shoot for Sculpted Ass Weekly, and that’s way more important to her career as a Diva than wrestling. (Also, they should make Rosa the guest referee so she can spend the whole match trying to kiss the Divas and then crying when they reject her.)