Here’s your complete WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders, Chairs … And Stairs card:
1. TLC Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt
2. Chairs Match: Ryback vs. Kane
3. Tables Match: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins – If Cena loses, he’s no longer #1 contender to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
4. Tag Team Championship Match: The Miz and Damien Mizdow (c) vs. The Usos
5. Stairs Match: Erick Rowan vs. Big Show
6. Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship: Luke Harper (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler
7. United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) vs. Jack Swagger
8. Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. AJ Lee
And now, our always-correct (even when we disagree) With Spandex staff predictions.
TLC Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt
What Should Happen: A show stealer. Dean Ambrose doesn’t win a lot of pay-per-view matches. Bray Wyatt has gone from the hottest and most promising act in the company to a floundering guy we complain about on the Internet. This should be everything the Wyatt/Cena Last Man Standing match wasn’t — violent, chaotic, memorable, and unstoppably passionate.
What Will Happen: Ambrose lost at Hell in a Cell because of Bray, and Bray won at Survivor Series. That means Ambrose should win here, right? Maybe he’ll summon Roman Reigns, a fist will be cocked and rain will occur up in this bitch.
Nate Birch – I guess this is the main event? Because it’s the one actual TLC match on this PPV named TLC? Well, let’s see, if Bray Wins nothing happens and if Dean wins, uh, also nothing happens. What are they even grabbing from the top of the ladder? A briefcase withe “Status Quo” written on it? It’s hard to predict things within a consequence-free environment. I’ll say Dean because he wears jeans and is cool.
Jessica Hudnall – Breaking a dude’s chair is a pretty egregious sin among fat southerners. Hopefully this fires up Bray enough to whomp some ass, but we all know that’s not going to happen. Dean is going to win this because he’s too crazy for rules, man! THIS WHOLE SYSTEM IS A JOKE
Austin Heiberg – Call me old-fashioned, but I think we need to set up a rubber match for the Royal Rumble. CZW alumnus Dean Ambrose for the TLC win.
Ashley Burns – Although, it would be way better if the TLC match involved them watching the TV network’s original programming until one of them taps out.
Danielle Matheson – I don’t really care who wins this match as long as it’s as stupid as possible. I mean, I want the ring to open up to a pit of alligators swimming around while Dean Ambrose clings desperately to the tag rope, only to be foiled by a Seth Rollins run-in. Seth’s still mad about the everything, so he knocks him into the pit with the Money in the Bank briefcase, while Roman reigns watches from the TitanTron saying “dayum, that’s cold, bro.’ Bray Wyatt will then go on to fight the Ghost of Cool Dad Chris Jericho in a Zydeco-themed washboard match, while I take a second to realise that I think I just suggested that Dean Ambrose be eaten by actual alligators.
….I guess I guilt-pick Dean Ambrose, then.
David D. – I don’t think either of these guys have won a match in 2014 that didn’t involve a possessed choir boy. So my prediction is the match ends with a no-contest after both guys realize the ladder has been a hologram all along.
Chairs Match: Ryback vs. Kane
What Should Happen: Ryback and Kane not having a match on pay-per-view.
What Will Happen: The Big Guy wins. Does Kane even win matches anymore? He’s Jumpin’ Joey Maggs with fireworks on the posts.
Nate Birch – Why the f*ck is this the chairs match? Ambrose/Wyatt revolves entirely around the destruction of a haunted rocking chair – it should be the chairs match. Anyways, Kane doesn’t win things anymore, so he won’t win this either.
Jessica Hudnall – I’ve got to imagine that Ryback just brutalizes Kane, partly as a way for WWE to thumb their noses at CM Punk because why wouldn’t Vince McMahon do something extremely petty?
Austin Heiberg – After basically being Chekov’s Tag Team Partner at Survivor Series, the big guy really needs to bounce back here. I got Ryback.
Ashley Burns – Wow, I have never been less enthused about a match in my life.
Danielle Matheson – Is the stipulation “the first one to sit in a chair because they got sleepy tired” loses? In that case…oof. Kane loses, I guess. He’s old and is probably really distracted thinking about not ripping his dress pants, and like…soup. Old men f-cking love soup.
David D. – Chairs match? If this is half as entertaining as the musical chairs match from RAW like 10 years ago then this is a win for everyone. Rebuke wins by sitting down faster.
Tables Match: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins – If Cena loses, he’s no longer #1 contender to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
What Should Happen: Seth should put Cena through a table and establish a new #1 contender spot … that Randy Orton takes by showing up and Hitting An Unspecified Move From Out Of Nowhere. That’d give us Orton vs. Lesnar at Royal Rumble, which is fresh as hell, WWE main-event quality and something that should happen before Brock skips off to Bellator, or wherever.
What Will Happen: There’s a possibility Seth could take it, though, because Cena loves that “oh no I’ve accidentally fallen through a table even though you didn’t do anything” finish to tables matches. Remember when Sheamus beat him? Same thing.
Cena matches are such a hard pick, because it’s stupid to bet against him. I’ll tentatively pick Rollins, while knowing that Cena’s obviously going to win.
Nate Birch – Cena threw down the “if you lose, it proves you’re not ready yet” gauntlet on Smackdown, so of course Rollins is losing so he’ll look like a useless baby man.
Jessica Hudnall – There is some precedent for Cena losing a tables match to a young whippersnapper, but I just don’t see Rollins winning this. Besides, it would be dumb to not have Cena take on Brock, let the two bull moose (Meese?) tire themselves out and then cash in the briefcase. I’ll take Cena to win this.
Austin Heiberg – While I really like the idea of a power vacuum set up by a Cena loss, I really doubt that’d happen. Seth needs to start making moves soon if he’s going to have a noteworthy cash-in, but it won’t happen here. Attitude Adjustment through a table, Cena wins it.
Ashley Burns – Cena not the No. 1 contender? The company would have to fold. There’s no one else qualified to be a champion, aside from HHH, but he can’t keep doing it all, people.
Danielle Matheson – Why would you want to win this. I heard that once, in Vermont, a Jimmy John’s employee didn’t put an adequate amount of pickles on his whatever they sell at Jimmy John’s and he Effed-5 the whole state. “But Danielle,” you say because you are not me, “they don’t even have Jimmy John’s in Vermont!” Yeah…not anymore. I say Cena, just because he loves to rise above odds and also hate and also probably feels really strongly about the people of Vermont even though they can’t see him.
David D. – Cena wins because…sigh…I just need Randy Orton to come back. I can’t believe I’m saying that in 2014.