Your Official With Spandex WWE Tables, Ladders, Chairs … And Stairs Predictions

WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders, Chairs … And Stairs airs live this Sunday, December 14, on the WWE Network. They added “And Stairs” and a ellipses to an already colon’d and lengthy pay-per-view title, so now it rivals WWE NXT TakeOver: R Evolution as the most convoluted show name of the year.

Here’s your complete WWE TLC: Tables, Ladders, Chairs … And Stairs card:

1. TLC Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt

2. Chairs Match: Ryback vs. Kane

3. Tables Match: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins – If Cena loses, he’s no longer #1 contender to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

4. Tag Team Championship Match: The Miz and Damien Mizdow (c) vs. The Usos

5. Stairs Match: Erick Rowan vs. Big Show

6. Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship: Luke Harper (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

7. United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) vs. Jack Swagger

8. Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. AJ Lee

And now, our always-correct (even when we disagree) With Spandex staff predictions.

TLC Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Bray Wyatt

What Should Happen: A show stealer. Dean Ambrose doesn’t win a lot of pay-per-view matches. Bray Wyatt has gone from the hottest and most promising act in the company to a floundering guy we complain about on the Internet. This should be everything the Wyatt/Cena Last Man Standing match wasn’t — violent, chaotic, memorable, and unstoppably passionate.

What Will Happen: Ambrose lost at Hell in a Cell because of Bray, and Bray won at Survivor Series. That means Ambrose should win here, right? Maybe he’ll summon Roman Reigns, a fist will be cocked and rain will occur up in this bitch.

Staff Predictions:

Nate Birch – I guess this is the main event? Because it’s the one actual TLC match on this PPV named TLC? Well, let’s see, if Bray Wins nothing happens and if Dean wins, uh, also nothing happens. What are they even grabbing from the top of the ladder? A briefcase withe “Status Quo” written on it? It’s hard to predict things within a consequence-free environment. I’ll say Dean because he wears jeans and is cool.

Jessica Hudnall – Breaking a dude’s chair is a pretty egregious sin among fat southerners. Hopefully this fires up Bray enough to whomp some ass, but we all know that’s not going to happen. Dean is going to win this because he’s too crazy for rules, man! THIS WHOLE SYSTEM IS A JOKE

Austin Heiberg – Call me old-fashioned, but I think we need to set up a rubber match for the Royal Rumble. CZW alumnus Dean Ambrose for the TLC win.

Ashley Burns – Although, it would be way better if the TLC match involved them watching the TV network’s original programming until one of them taps out.

Danielle Matheson – I don’t really care who wins this match as long as it’s as stupid as possible. I mean, I want the ring to open up to a pit of alligators swimming around while Dean Ambrose clings desperately to the tag rope, only to be foiled by a Seth Rollins run-in. Seth’s still mad about the everything, so he knocks him into the pit with the Money in the Bank briefcase, while Roman reigns watches from the TitanTron saying “dayum, that’s cold, bro.’ Bray Wyatt will then go on to fight the Ghost of Cool Dad Chris Jericho in a Zydeco-themed washboard match, while I take a second to realise that I think I just suggested that Dean Ambrose be eaten by actual alligators.

….I guess I guilt-pick Dean Ambrose, then.

David D. – I don’t think either of these guys have won a match in 2014 that didn’t involve a possessed choir boy. So my prediction is the match ends with a no-contest after both guys realize the ladder has been a hologram all along.

Chairs Match: Ryback vs. Kane

What Should Happen: Ryback and Kane not having a match on pay-per-view.

What Will Happen: The Big Guy wins. Does Kane even win matches anymore? He’s Jumpin’ Joey Maggs with fireworks on the posts.

Staff Predictions:

Nate Birch – Why the f*ck is this the chairs match? Ambrose/Wyatt revolves entirely around the destruction of a haunted rocking chair – it should be the chairs match. Anyways, Kane doesn’t win things anymore, so he won’t win this either.

Jessica Hudnall – I’ve got to imagine that Ryback just brutalizes Kane, partly as a way for WWE to thumb their noses at CM Punk because why wouldn’t Vince McMahon do something extremely petty?

Austin Heiberg – After basically being Chekov’s Tag Team Partner at Survivor Series, the big guy really needs to bounce back here. I got Ryback.

Ashley Burns – Wow, I have never been less enthused about a match in my life.

Danielle Matheson – Is the stipulation “the first one to sit in a chair because they got sleepy tired” loses? In that case…oof. Kane loses, I guess. He’s old and is probably really distracted thinking about not ripping his dress pants, and like…soup. Old men f-cking love soup.

David D. – Chairs match? If this is half as entertaining as the musical chairs match from RAW like 10 years ago then this is a win for everyone. Rebuke wins by sitting down faster.

Tables Match: John Cena vs. Seth Rollins – If Cena loses, he’s no longer #1 contender to the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

What Should Happen: Seth should put Cena through a table and establish a new #1 contender spot … that Randy Orton takes by showing up and Hitting An Unspecified Move From Out Of Nowhere. That’d give us Orton vs. Lesnar at Royal Rumble, which is fresh as hell, WWE main-event quality and something that should happen before Brock skips off to Bellator, or wherever.

What Will Happen: There’s a possibility Seth could take it, though, because Cena loves that “oh no I’ve accidentally fallen through a table even though you didn’t do anything” finish to tables matches. Remember when Sheamus beat him? Same thing.

Cena matches are such a hard pick, because it’s stupid to bet against him. I’ll tentatively pick Rollins, while knowing that Cena’s obviously going to win.

Staff Predictions:

Nate Birch – Cena threw down the “if you lose, it proves you’re not ready yet” gauntlet on Smackdown, so of course Rollins is losing so he’ll look like a useless baby man.

Jessica Hudnall – There is some precedent for Cena losing a tables match to a young whippersnapper, but I just don’t see Rollins winning this. Besides, it would be dumb to not have Cena take on Brock, let the two bull moose (Meese?) tire themselves out and then cash in the briefcase. I’ll take Cena to win this.

Austin Heiberg – While I really like the idea of a power vacuum set up by a Cena loss, I really doubt that’d happen. Seth needs to start making moves soon if he’s going to have a noteworthy cash-in, but it won’t happen here. Attitude Adjustment through a table, Cena wins it.

Ashley Burns – Cena not the No. 1 contender? The company would have to fold. There’s no one else qualified to be a champion, aside from HHH, but he can’t keep doing it all, people.

Danielle Matheson – Why would you want to win this. I heard that once, in Vermont, a Jimmy John’s employee didn’t put an adequate amount of pickles on his whatever they sell at Jimmy John’s and he Effed-5 the whole state. “But Danielle,” you say because you are not me, “they don’t even have Jimmy John’s in Vermont!” Yeah…not anymore. I say Cena, just because he loves to rise above odds and also hate and also probably feels really strongly about the people of Vermont even though they can’t see him.

David D. – Cena wins because…sigh…I just need Randy Orton to come back. I can’t believe I’m saying that in 2014.

Tag Team Championship Match: The Miz and Damien Mizdow (c) vs. The Usos

What Should Happen: They should not just air an episode of Raw as a pay-per-view.

What Will Happen: Miz and Mizdow retain, probably because of Naomi showing up and somebody getting distracted. Jimmy Uso continues being 2014’s version of Chaz, a kid from New Jersey who just wants to have fun (but beats his girlfriend).

Staff Predictions:

Nate Birch – Jimmy Uso thinks he sees an opportunity for his wife out of the corner of his eye, tries to superkick it and is rolled up by The Miz.

Jessica Hudnall – You quickly turned into a big, dumb jerk, Jey Uso. Los Mizadores all the way for me, please and thank you.

Austin Heiberg – Miz and Mizdow, duh. You’ve got a good thing going here, WWE. Don’t screw with it.

Ashley Burns – Can we not get some new blood and angles in the tag team ranks? This is so stale.

Danielle Matheson – Damien Mizdow is the only person with any joy in his life on Raw and I would like him to win please and thank you.

David D. – Mizdow wins and we get a taste of what Velocity used to be like.

Stairs Match: Erick Rowan vs. Big Show

What Should Happen: The winner of a “stairs match” should be the person who escapes the ring and slowly walks up the stairs. We should never have a stairs match again. Just call it a street fight, guys, it’s fine.

What Will Happen: Show wins via chicanery. Show-canery? Show-Kane-ery? They’re pushing Big Red, but they’re pushing the name “Big Red” more than the actual guy. Erick Rowan shouldn’t be winning singles matches against 500 pound multiple-time champion giants.

Staff Predictions:

Nate Birch – The only stairs match I’m interested in seeing is between Brock Lesnar and Zach Gowen. I predict/hope Rowan pulls out a giant 20-foot steel stairs, somehow forces Big Show to climb them, then pins him when he collapses from exhaustion.

Jessica Hudnall – Are we all agreed that this should actually be a Staircar match and have an Arrested Development tie-in? Okay, good. Weird beard Rowan wins this because yo, Big Show, I warned you about stairs, bro. I told you, man!

Austin Heiberg – Haaaaaaa ha ha ha ha, stairs match. In any case, they seem to be insistent on making Rowan a thing, so I’ll take BIG RED, MAGGLE

Ashley Burns – Remember what I said about Ryback and Kane? I take that back and use it here.

Danielle Matheson – TLC and also S! I want this to end in a non-finish so we can have increasingly ridiculous stipulations – TLC and also S and then ramps! Elevators! Dumb Waiters! Two men enter, one mine rises slowly to a greater height than the other! But if not, Erick Rowan I guess.

David D. – How much more entertaining is this than a Stares Match would be. Not by much if Pete and Pete have anything to say about it.

Ladder Match for the Intercontinental Championship: Luke Harper (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

What Should Happen: Ziggler wins, recaptures the Intercontinental Championship, then spends TLC to WrestleMania redefining the title as a workhorse belt held by the best and most exciting performers in the country.

What Will Happen: Ziggler wins, recaptures the Intercontinental Championship, then spends TLC to WrestleMania losing every match he’s in without actually losing the Intercontinental Championship.

Staff Predictions:

Nate Birch – Wait, I don’t have anything snarky to say about this one. It’s probably going to be pretty good! They haven’t really done anything with Harper as champ, and losing a ladder match would look bad on Ziggler, so Dolph wins.

Jessica Hudnall – Harper will use his greasy beard and tank top to keep Ziggler from following him up the ladder, giving Luke the easy win. If you put it to a vote on if I think Harper will retain the title, the EYES have it (Will I be fired for excessively bad punnery?)

Austin Heiberg – I’m taking Luke Harper here because Chikara alumni should be holding as many championships as possible.

Ashley Burns – Dolph Ziggler. No reason other than – sure, why not?

Danielle Matheson – Luke Harper. No jokes. Just brutal destruction and carnage please. Dolph Ziggler’s gonna try some fancy shit and Actual Terrifying Man Luke Harper’s gonna shut. it. down.

David D. – I didn’t even know this match was happening but dammit I’m happy it is because this is stealing the show.

United States Championship Match: Rusev (c) vs. Jack Swagger

What Should Happen: We should not be having another Jack Swagger vs. Rusev pay-per-view match. We should not be airing an episode of Raw on pay-per-view. AMERICA SHOULD NOT BE THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, HAIL PUTIN

What Will Happen: Rusev wins. Derp.

Staff Predictions:

Nate Birch – Sure, yeah, Jack Swagger is totally going to win. Whatever.

Jessica Hudnall – RUSEV MACHKA. Swaggy J is gonna get his ding-dang spine snapped in half.

Austin Heiberg – I’m sorry, but what part of “Rusev is going undefeated until Wrestlemania” do we not understand here?

Ashley Burns – It’s not the Russian Championship, people.

Danielle Matheson – Rusev/Swagger? Did we go back in time? Are you sure that’s right? I mean, Rusev, because I love Euro dudes with shitty personalities holding the US belt more than I love most things, but damn, we are walking for miles in this pit of danger and also lack of creative storytelling, huh.

David D. – Rusev wins. Cut to Mark Henry looking forlorn at the TV and wondering where it all went wrong.

Divas Championship Match: Nikki Bella (c) vs. AJ Lee

What Should Happen: Charlotte re-debuts, inserting herself into the match and unifying the Divas and NXT Women’s Championships. She then throws the Divas title on the ground, declaring it a secondary title. The women’s roster gets split. Charlotte and her contemporaries wrestle for the Women’s Championship while everyone on the reality show competes for the Divas Championship. Total Divas gets its own title, and Eva Marie becomes a 16-time champion.

What Will Happen: Nikki wins with the Rack Attack, causing AJ Lee to miscarry the baby she’s carried for the past 14 months. AJ then retires, because rumors say she’s done after TLC.

Staff Predictions:

Nate Birch – Nikki Bella calls Lawler into the ring to try and give AJ another hug, and she’s defeated via general awkwardness.

Jessica Hudnall – Nikki’s gonna keep rolling because she’s the best and she’ll just turn AJ into a bracelet.

Austin Heiberg – I’ve got Nikki here. I feel like there’s more of the Brie/Nikki story to tell here… plus, the pessimist in me says that AJ’s in for a rough few months after her husband jumped to the UFC. She and Cesaro should be forming a tag team.

Ashley Burns – Show your support for CM Punk in his new career endeavor? No title for you, lady.

Danielle Matheson – I’ve been waiting to say ROCKS FALL CESARO WINS, but uhhh…I feel like this is the match that’s least likely to have that happen during. Anyways, have you noticed that everyone in the Divas division is just super unlikable right now? I’m gonna say Nikki retains just to prove it wasn’t a fluke, or because shenanigans, or…ugh, just thinking about it is draining. I know it wasn’t fantastic before, but they’re all just garbage people, and I really kind of hope rocks fall, Cesaro wins. You know he could pull off that belt better than anyone not named Tyler Breeze NO WAIT GIVE IT TO TYLER BREEZE IT’S SO SHINY AND HE NEEDS A BELT.

(I just love him so much you guys)

David D. – This will be the classy sendoff AJ deserves for all the hard work and quality matches she’s put into the company. HAHAHA SIKE this match ends with someone rubbing fecal matter on AJ with fart noises overdubbed over the match.