Team Edward vs. Team Pedophile

12.01.09 8 years ago 33 Comments

Dear Womenfolk,

A few years ago, I was on your side. Once upon a time, our generation’s babymaking voice was caught peeing on a 16 year-old girl…allegedly. When the video came out, I stood right next to you in shock and horror and what Kells had done. I vowed to never buy another album from the man nor make sweet, passionate sexy time while an R. Kelly album guided my thrusts. I spoke about my disgust while he took advantage of a poor, teenage girl without a mind of her own.

Fast-forward to 2009. The way you cougars are acting now makes me wish I were at Robert’s log cabin refilling glasses of apple juice to help him reload on baby girl.

Of course I’m referring to your pathetic love affair with this Neanderthal-faced teenage boy from the newest Twilight movie. If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard a 20-something woman fawn over this kid, I’d have enough money to buy my own Bowflex®. Or at least a Shake Weight, which I hear was the exercise machine of choice on the set.

Just think: What if you were on a train with myself and TC and overheard us talking about the newest Hannah Montana movie and how Miley’s ass was sitting proper in the mini-skirt she was wearing during her final dance sequence? We’d probably be called sex offenders and pervs. And TC doesn’t need another one of those accusations on his record.

Still, you women get to talk openly about the things you’d do to this kid’s abs and hairless sack. That my friends is a double-standard. So since I’m all about equality, I’m making invitations for “A Chris Brown Listening Session with Cookies and Free Hair Appointments hosted by Terrence from 106 & Park,” making the address R. Kelly’s south side mansion and sending the invites to your daughter.

That’s what I call justice.

Oh yea, if you’ve never actually witnessed one of those Team Jacob lady pedophiles, I know someone I can refer you to.

*looks at LC*

I’m not sayin, I’m just sayin.

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