Why Tiger’s Wife Is To Blame…

12.03.09 8 years ago 21 Comments

This post wasn’t made to condone Tiger’s “transgressions” in the slightest. Lord knows everybody hates a cheater whether it be a relationship or a dice game. But with the mounds of negativity our beloved billionaire golf-baller is receiving, I can’t help but to weigh in to the other side of the story and perceive that Tiger married a straight-up snooze bucket.

Tiger wasn’t primed and molded to be the model athlete icon. It’s in his nature. Quiet, well spoken–in other words, never exercising his right to Blackness. His curses when he lands in a bunker make John Kerry say “Damn, that’s proper.” And the way he handled this situation was that of a straight-up novice. C’mon son. You leave your name on the voicemail? Why not just tell her (and your wife) they were a new publicist at AT&T or something. Get an alibi Eldrick. Those raggedy Annies sold you out for 7 ½ minutes of fame. (They had to split ’em too. Those ain’t rollover minutes.)


Download — Tiger Woods Cheating Voicemail

Oh, but had he tuned in to a stand-up comedy performance by a Chris Rock or any other popular comedian he couldn’t relate to, he’d be aware of the age old rumor that once he put a ring on it, the chastity belt would be fastened all the same. All of a sudden, the Tiger was restless. You saw the slores he creeped with. Long lost fraternal twins and/or stunt doubles of his wife. All he ever wanted was you Elin. You probably tuned him out when he came to you enthused about the new suspension on that GMC or how Nike was naming planets after him. The highlights of his day resorted to quietly enjoying lentil soup on a 40-foot dining table and being forced through marathons of America’s Top Model when he’d rather be fuckin’.

You, Mrs. Nordegren-Woods turned the Tiger into a cheetah.

“I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone…”–Tiger Woods

Let’s not get mistaken, though. I could give a flying 9 iron fuck on whether Tiger is satisfied in his marriage (as you shouldn’t either). All I’m saying is the media scrutiny should be minimized to shits & giggles. (Like this.)

Either way, David D. was correct: Jazmine Sullivan for the win!

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