10 Amazing Predictions For This Week In Sports

Senior Writer
05.15.12 5 Comments

Welcome to my day-late weekly predictions that will astound and amaze you, because they’re so incredibly tuned into to a psychic frequency that nobody else on this planet could come up with them. Since I started making predictions a few weeks ago, I’ve been right about everything. Even the stuff that might have been wrong was technically right, because I say it was. It’s not really hard being a psychic.
This week, we take a look into the crystal ball to see if David Stern really will stick to his guns and stop the L.A. Clippers from flopping, Matt Leinart can turn Carson Palmer into the perfect QB and if anyone would ever believe that Phil Jackson would even remotely entertain the idea of coaching a team as dysfunctional and broken as the Orlando Magic. SIM SIM SALABIM!

A few years ago, NBA commissioner David Stern said that the league was going to take flopping a lot more seriously and start handing out fines to players who were busted auditioning for their Best Actor awards during games. Nothing happened. Nobody ever got in trouble, despite players flopping this way and that. This season, the Los Angeles Clippers were supposed to be “Lob City” after they acquired Chris Paul from the New Orleans Hornets for Eric Gordon and magic beans. Instead, they’re now widely known as “Flop City” because Blake Griffin has become public flopping enemy No. 1. As a result of widespread accusations, Stern once again says the NBA will pay more attention to flopping.
Hold on, my pet birds would like to respond:

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Always relevant.

From the San Francisco Chronicle:

“I’m here for Carson, to help him with reads, to let him know that certain things are very good, just to stay on it,” Leinart said in a conference call. “Because when you’re taught a new offense, there’s things that you’re not used to; you’re used to doing it a certain way.”

The Oakland Raiders signed Matt Leinart to apparently help Carson Palmer learn new offensive coordinator Greg Knapp’s system since Leinart was the backup for the Houston Texans, Knapp’s previous team, last season. Leinart believes that his knowledge can help Palmer understand routes better. “If not,” said Leinart, “we’ll just go slay some vag, duders.”
When rumor broke that former Los Angeles Lakers coach Phil Jackson was “feeling the itch” to get back in the game, people responded with the obvious: “Well, he’ll coach the New York Knicks.” Because Jackson loves situations in which he has to use his Zen-like abilities to calm egos. But then I also started seeing whispers that he’d be an option for the Orlando Magic and I just laughed and laughed. Because hell would host the Winter Olympics first.
(GIF via Jose 3030)

The Los Angeles Lakers are overmatched by the youth and energy of the Oklahoma City Thunder, as evidenced by the 119-90 drubbing they suffered last night. For Lakers fans, that sucks. For everyone else, that’s awesome because it means that Kobe Bryant will keep telling us how he really feels.
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In news I totally forgot about, the MLB2K12 Perfect Game Challenge took place last week at the MLB Fan Cave, where Christopher Gilmore of Florida won the $1 million prize for winning the Perfect Game Challenge. With Leather Celebrity Fan of the Year Kate Upton was on hand to present Gilmore with his prize, and I can only assume he went home and gave everyone he knows the finger.
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New York Rangers coach John Tortorella hates press conferences and that’s great news for us, because the Internet knows just what to do with videos of people being dicks for no good reason.

I’ve watched this video at least 60 times. Thunder Dan’s face is priceless.

I had no clue that people were still watching Dancing with the Stars, because after a while I would think that watching people who suck at dancing dance would get really old. I guess not, because Green Bay Packers receiver Donald Driver brought out the big guns last night for his semi final round performance. On hand to cheer him on were Aaron Rodgers, Clay Matthews and Mike McCarthy. I’m betting that Rodgers just walked around in the dancers area after the show and handed out slips of paper with his phone number on it, because that’s what Aaron Rodgers does, damn it.

I have nothing to say about Denver Nuggets center JaVale McGee getting a platypus other than I want a f*cking pet platypus. And yes, I know they’re poisonous, but that’s what makes them such great conversation starters.

And now, my longshot prediction of the week. Hold on to this one, folks, because I’m seriously going to stand by it.
Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler says that his injured thumb – that caused the Bears to collapse and fall completely out of the playoff picture last season – is now 100% fine.

“It’s fine,” he said Monday. “I really didn’t throw a lot in the offseason, rehabbed a little bit and came back and felt good.” (Via NECN)

And with a kid on the way and his bestest receiver bud Brandon Marshall on the roster, I’m just getting this feeling that this is the season that J-Cutty is going to silence all of his critics. Or he won’t. Whatever, bros, this psychic thing ain’t perfect.

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