10 Amazing Predictions For This Week In Sports

Senior Writer
05.01.12 6 Comments

Welcome to a new weekly feature that we’ll be running in which we make a bunch of predictions about the upcoming week in sports. I would have run this yesterday, but HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF THE HEAVENS DID YOU SEE PAULINA GRETZKY? Also, hello to all our new readers in Finland!
Anywho, we miss a lot of little tidbits and interesting items during the day, for one reason or another, and not only will I use this as an opportunity to include more hockey news and discuss how humiliating last night’s St. Louis Blues loss was, but I will also lay my reputation as America’s last great gentleman blogger with a girl’s name on the line with 10 bold predictions.
Prepare to have your minds blown. (Side note: I would have posted this yesterday, but my crystal ball just kept telling me: “Dude, the Blues SUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.”)

A few weeks ago we mentioned that the latest Roger Clemens trial – for perjury and obstruction – was the greatest priority for our government, as evidenced by 5 attorneys being employed to prove Clemens lied about steroid use, instead of the 2 lawyers they used the first time. And because it took so long just to pick a jury, everyone got last week off.
Now that the actual trial is underway, Clemens’ lawyer Rusty Hardin is actually trying to prove that the first trial before Congress was a waste of time, as is this one, and wouldn’t you know? The guv’ment don’t like being called out.

Barnett, the government’s first witness, said the House committee sought Clemens’s testimony so it could test the veracity of former Senator George J. Mitchell’s report on steroid use in Major League Baseball. Clemens is one of the players mentioned in the report.
At day’s end, once the jurors were excused, prosecutors argued to the judge that Hardin should not be able to question the legitimacy of the Congressional hearings without the government being able to fight back. (Via the NY Times)

I’m certainly not a legal expert, so I’ll just assume this reaffirms that the trial will last 30 years and we’ll all be explaining 10 global economic meltdowns and this picture to our grandchildren in Thuderdome…
(Banner via Getty)

That bubble gum has more pop than his bat... burn.

With the first month of the MLB season in the books, the big subject is the power outage of Albert Pujols and what the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim must be thinking. Pujols is currently hitting a pathetic .217 with no home runs and 4 RBI through 23 games, while his team languishes in last place in the AL West after spending more money in one offseason than the Pittsburgh Pirates have spent in a decade.
But there’s no reason to panic, obviously, despite the latest news that Pujols and Angels hitting coach Mickey Hatcher are in a spat over Hatcher publicly admitting that Pujols led a pep rally in a private team meeting. Gee, does the team go with the batting coach or the $240 million free agent?
Also, I will be using this photoshop as many times as I possibly can until Pujols hits a home run.
(Image via the AP)
I think it’s safe to say that the New York Knicks are done, and the Dallas Mavericks certainly don’t appear to have much of a chance to come back from their 0-2 deficit to the Oklahoma City Thunder. But I predict the Mavs will win one of their next two games to stave off elimination past Saturday. Thanks to the NBA’s horse crap scheduling and three-month playoff system, these seemingly over first round matchups won’t even be done until next week, which makes it super boring.
Other NBA predictions: the Memphis/LAC series will continue to be highly entertaining and the Indiana/Orlando series will continue to be the exact opposite. Also, four more superstar players will get injured.
(*Get it? Because only one team could possibly win its series this week.)

Imagine the sex.

One of the happiest moments for any NFL fan each year is the Monday after the draft when every Internet NFL writer posts his or her draft results and grades. They mean absolutely nothing, but people need justification for their teams’ picks, especially when they’ve never heard of them. Or they’re a way of reminding Browns fans of their misery. Either way, people do them for cheap hits, which is why Stroud still hasn’t let me out of the tool shed.
But this year, the more savvy NFL pundits put an end to giving the Seahawks C- grades by not grading teams at all, because you just can’t put a value on inexperience or something like that. Fart sniffer numero uno? Mikey Florio. But don’t worry, there are still plenty of grade lists out there. I prefer this kind.
(Image via Getty)
If you’re unfamiliar with Terry Richardson, he’s a world famous photographer with a reputation for pushing the envelope. Also, he really pervs out for some of his subjects. So imagine the raised eyebrows when he posted some typically awesome pictures of Kate Upton to his Tumblr after her latest awesome video came out. He better have been a gentleman, because if not he’ll have to answer to Kate’s 6 million Internet boyfriends.

The Miami Heat were surprisingly not the favorites to come out of the Eastern Conference after the regular season, but they are certainly the favorites to win the East now that Derrick Rose is out for the Chicago Bulls. That’s not to say the Bulls are doomed, but the comfort level has to be on the rise for Miami now, as evidenced by the above GIF. And even the camera guys are having some fun, judging by this clip of Dwyane Wade’s postgame interview and the magnetic attraction of the Heat dancers.

Also, the Heat will still give us plenty of entertainment on the court, especially if you drop your shoe.
(Video via Guyism)
In order to make sure everyone at the 2012 Summer Olympics is well fed, McDonald’s is building its largest restaurant ever at London’s Olympic Park. The new place will seat 1,500 people and will presumably have toilets to handle the consumption of 12 million McRibs and Filet-o-Fish sandwiches per day.
This is sad news for me, as the previous world’s largest McDonald’s was in Orlando, FL. Now it’s just another place where American kids get diabetes.
Jeremy Lin, who was recently named one of Time’s 100 Most Influential People in the World (presumably in the sleeping on a couch category), has been rumored to be approaching a return to the court during the Knicks’ current series with the Heat. Because this is a terrible idea – the Knicks are down 0-2 and have been playing defense like an All-Star team and that is not a compliment – the Knicks will probably try to rush Lin and his surgically repaired knee back, but hopefully they’ll realize that it would be even more depressing to see him join Iman Shumpert.
(Image via Getty)

If you haven’t seen this video about a basketball league for grandmothers, it’s my favorite non-Paulina or –Kate thing of the week.
It’s a longshot, but I just really wanted to make this photoshop.

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