Do you want to know what happens on WWE Whatever Night SmackDown without having to watch it? Did you know there’s a resource on the Internet that allows you to KNOW wrestling results and formulate opinions about it based on almost nothing? Welcome to the assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report. We don’t like ANYTHING and EVERYTHING makes us sad.
On this week’s show, literally every person in the world is entered into the WrestleMania ladder match. Your Aunt’s in it. I mean, honestly, I think she’s got a chance to win it.
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown
(reminder: these are mostly actual SmackDown spoilers)
– Dolph Ziggler opens the show by putting himself in the Intercontinental Championship ladder match at WrestleMania 31 and suggesting Daniel Bryan should be in it, too. Instead of a ladder match, they should get one of those wind tubes that sprays money around for contests and make people try to catch the belt as it flies by. I don’t know, put it at the bottom of a tub of water and make mid-carders bob for it. It wouldn’t be any more insulting than what’s happening right now. The segment ends with R-Truth once again stealing the belt because he is a master thief.
– R-Truth tries to make Renee Young the second-ever female Intercontinental Champion (because possession is 9/10 of the law), but she refuses. Come on, Renee. Grab that brass ring!
1. Tyson Kidd and Cesaro defeated Los Matadores. Los Matadores were cheated when the referee wasn’t looking because hey, you know who should have to cheat to beat the two least-relevant comedy wrestlers on the show? The last graduate of the Hart Dungeon and the Swiss Superman. Cesaro alone should be able to fold these guys over like a calzone and eat them for lunch.
2. Ryback defeated Kane. FINALLY, A MATCH WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR. Ryback wins when Kane is distracted, because that’s the only way matches are allowed to end now. Additionally, Kane is a Diva. Kane immediately puts Ryback in a match against Big Show as punishment, because that’s ALSO something we want to see.
3. Big Show defeated Ryback. Ryback lost due to outside interference because wrestling two 7-foot former World Champions in a row isn’t good enough, you’ve gotta make sure there’s absolutely no value whatsoever to the heels.
– Bray Wyatt cut a promo challenging The Undertaker. Dude cuts this promo every time he opens his mouth. When he’s shopping for new white slacks at Banana Republic and the associate asks him if he needs help finding anything, he challenges The Undertaker.
4. A.J. Lee defeated Brie Bella. Nikki Bella tried to interfere, but A.J. used a lifeline. Before the match, they continued to co-opt the Give Divas A Chance hashtag and make it about JEALOUSY STORIES, because WWE has no idea what “give Divas a chance” is supposed to mean.
5. The New Day defeated The Miz and Damien Mizdow. Miz and Mizdow were DISTRACTED by each other, and because tag team breaksups now happen over a period of weeks and months, they lost a match and the breakup continues. Remember when guys would just turn on each other and that’d be the end of it? Now if you accidentally hit your big toe on the coffee table WWE devotes six weeks to wondering whether or not you’ll feel pain. When did WWE become Dragon Ball Z? Why does this shit take so long?
– Renee Young interviewed Jack Swagger backstage and tried to keep a straight face.
– Roman Reigns says he’ll beat Brock Lesnar. Afterwards, Vince McMahon told him he’d been a very good boy and gave him a lollipop. Roman reportedly “really enjoyed” the lollipop.
6. Rusev defeated Jack Swagger. Whomp whomp. Curtis Axel challenged Rusev for the United States Championship on behalf of AMERICA because he’s Hulk Hogan all of a sudden, and there is nothing more I want in the world than CURT DAMN AXEL accidentally waltzing into John Cena’s spot.
7. Dolph Ziggler and Dean Ambrose defeated Luke Harper and Bad News Barrett. When people are walking to the ring for matches with the Intercontinental Champion, they should run into a weird old man who warns them not to go down that ramp, because that ramp’s haunted. Anyway, the saddest story here is that Stardust is now involved in the IC title kidnapping melee, meaning we’re probably not getting that Stardust/Goldust blowoff at WrestleMania. Also, there are basically two battle royals on the show now because they can’t just say, “No, you aren’t going to WrestleMania.”
That’s the show.
