Welcome to the assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, the Internet’s leading source of smarky snark about a show nobody on the site has watched. We read the copy-pasted report from another site, jump to a bunch of conclusions about it and get real assy about it here. This column is enjoyed by almost four people each week!
This week’s SmackDown seems great for anyone who’s never watched a wrestling show ever. ENJOY.
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(reminder: these are actual SmackDown spoilers)
– WWE gets creative this week and starts SmackDown with a Raw recap and an in-ring promo from the Authority. Seth Rollins vs. Roman Reigns is announced for the main-event, and it takes everything in their power not to turn it into Rollins and Kane vs. Reigns and Ambrose. Like, somebody in creative got a trophy for not turning it into a tag.
1. Bray Wyatt defeated Dean Ambrose. Bray Wyatt needs to be built up for his loss to Reigns and the only people he can beat are R-Truth and Dean Ambrose. After the match, Ambrose sh*ts in his own hands and WWE makes 10 new t-shirts for him. Making merch for Dean Ambrose must be like making merch for the Miami Marlins.
– A Mark Henry vs. Ryback match is announced, because that was a good idea the first 200 times.
2. King What’s Up defeated Adam Rose. “Character is upset and cuts a promo and loses to whomever they were cutting the promo on” is a big thing this week. Adam Rose was upset and cut a promo and lost to Truth. Remember that ESPN special that turned Adam Rose into one of the most likable people in WWE? WWE doesn’t!
3. Ryback defeated Mark Henry. Mark Henry was upset and cut a promo and lost to Ryback. All I want in life is for Henry to get released, go to Ring of Honor for a few shows and then pop up in New Japan. Tell me Mark Henry versus like, one or both of the Young Bucks isn’t something you want to see. INDIE DARLING MARK HENRY.
4. Brie Bella defeated Naomi. Alicia Fox helps Brie win and Naomi is a face again, because the Divas division is booked by a horribly scarred man who decides what happens with a coin flip.
5. The Prime Time Players defeated The Ascension. I’m exhausted just typing this week’s SmackDown.
– Rusev is upset with Lana and cut a promo and lost to Lana. Kidding, kind of. Rusev gets all gross about Lana and insults her so much it makes Summer Rae mad, and then in a move straight from the Ross Geller playbook, Rusev calls Summer “Lana.” Rusev’s next valet should be a small monkey.
6. Roman Reigns defeated Seth Rollins. Reigns wins by disqualification when J&J Security attacks him. Dean Ambrose runs out to make the save, and that guy on creative gets side-eyed and has his trophy taken away. Is there one wrestling fan on the entire goddamn Earth who’s like, “man, I can’t wait to see if Ambrose and Reigns or The Authority stands tall at the end of the show?” Anybody? At this point, King What’s Up interrupting a ShieldBros/Authority brawl by setting fire to the ring would be the most welcomed booking decision of the year.
