Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, where we read somebody else’s report of what happened on Smackdown and jump to a bunch of snarky conclusions about it without watching. On this week’s show, Bray Wyatt’s hatchling sheep monster begins his reign of terror over the blue show. Also, women be trippin’!
Sorry, everyone.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: snark aside, these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– The show opened with Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper introducing Braun Stowman to Smackdown, where he will be having tag team matches for the rest of his life. Guess the Kumite starts one day earlier this year, huh fellas?
1. The Dudley Boyz defeated The Ascension. Too bad the WWE main roster isn’t made up of “local talent” from Central Florida so the Ascension can’t be more successful. The New Day taunted the Dudleys with signs during the match. At Night of Champions, I’m counting on a double-clothesline with a trombone.
2. Kevin Owens defeated Neville. Owens continued his Redemption Tour, which I guess features him beating other people from NXT. First Cesaro, now Neville. Next week, he’s gonna beat Bo Dallas, and John Cena will pat him on the shoulder and tell him he’s doing a great job.
– Seth Rollins cut a promo on Sting. I assume it was, “I’m gonna beat you, Sting!” stretched out to 1,400 words.
3. Charlotte and Becky Lynch defeated The Bella Twins. The new story is that the Bellas are trying to convince Charlotte and Becky to break up with Paige while she’s off hosting Tough Enough, because women are jealous of one another and can’t be trusted. I’m guessing JBL went to management and was like, “hey, the only thing I can think to say about the Divas Revolution is this joke: A GROUP OF WOMEN WHO CAN GET ALONG? YEAH RIGHT! Can we work that in somehow, preferably in every match every week?”
4. Dolph Ziggler and Ryback defeated Rusev and Big Show. Big Show turns again, knocking out Rusev while he’s trying to lock Ziggler in The Accolade. I’m counting that as a heel turn. Excited to see how many times he turns before Monday!
5. Sheamus defeated Dean Ambrose. … because of course he did. After the match, Braun Strowman showed up and beat up Ambrose and Roman Reigns. Then we all fell into a big time loop, Smackdown started over and we built to a Sheamus/Stowman vs. Ambrose/Reigns main event.
