For the past six seasons, FX’s The League has shown its characters scheming, pranking, trash-talking, and constant attempts to undermine one another. With so much back-stabbing, it’s a little too easy to forget that the only thing that keeps these characters coming back to one another is their fantasy football league. Well, that and Kevin and Jenny are married.
With the seventh and final season set to kickoff on September 7 and fantasy football mock draft season upon us, we decided to take a look at the best quotes that showcase the group’s compulsion.
“God bless fantasy football. There are many things a man can do with his time… this is better than those things.” – Pete
Wasting no time, The League‘s first episode features Pete’s passionate declaration of what’s really important… winning, and humiliating those who don’t win. Done by video chat, of course.
“Hey, man, you all just back off, all of you. I’ve worked really hard this year to put together an amazing team. I have studied the waiver wire, I know all the sleepers, I have done the bye-week plug-ins—I have done it all. And all I want to do is watch the game and find out how my team does.” – Jenny
While unable to see the game they want at a bar, Jenny angrily takes charge, ruining Ruxin’s Christmas present to his wife in the process. A firm defender of equal rights (and her rightful place in the league), she even accepts the repercussions of losing a bet by going naked in the alley for two full minutes afterward.
“Jenny, I don’t want you to be in a league with Russell the sex machine. I want you to be in a league with me.” – Kevin
As Jenny informs Kevin that she’s joined Russell’s fantasy football league, Kevin expresses his sincere concerns over his wife competing in another man’s league. They also discuss the semantics of male sex addiction, but that’s incidental here.
“Yes, we are so blessed to have not one, but two teams in the playoffs. Most families don’t have any.” – Kevin
As the second season draws to a close, the show’s first couple Kevin and Jenny send out a heartwarming holiday message to their league-mates.
“Every year I set this league up, every year, and I never win! This was the year! F*ck! F*ck, f*ck, f*ck! Bullsh*t! I babysit you morons! I babysit you! ‘Oh, help me out. Do this, move that guy around. I don’t know how to set a lineup.’ F*ck you! F*ck you, Taco! F*ck you, Ruxin! Stupid wise men! Stupid eggs! Stupid f*cking eggs!” – Kevin
After Kevin’s almost surefire playoff spot is obliterated by circumstance, he has a complete meltdown on his front lawn. He also tells his daughter there’s no Santa Claus (or Easter Bunny) in the process. He was clearly upset.
The Shiva Bowl Shuffle
With season two coming to a disastrous conclusion, thanks to Ruxin’s Shiva Bowl victory, it’s only fitting that season three start off with his elaborately embellished gloating, naturally via video chat.
“I like kickers. They’re the toughest.” – Taco
As Pete exhibits an organizational skill — which causes Andre to call him a “useless Good Will Hunting” — to maximize everyone’s fantasy teams, Taco once again proves that he never really understood the game.
“Now, citizens of the League, there is no greater threat to league integrity than an uncommitted owner. Taco’s lack of interest is a black mark upon our league. He’s still starting Kenny Britt, who’s been injured for weeks. And while I have no respect for individual members of this league, I have tremendous respect for the league itself.” – Ruxin
Suspecting some “family collusion” between Taco, Kevin, and Jenny, Ruxin, still the reigning champion, decides to take issue. Of course, he does so via webcam, Ruxin’s preferred method of scrutinizing his league-mates.
“You know, I did not set up this league to have a trophy end up with my wife’s name on it or as a bong in my attic. I’m destined to never win it.” – Kevin
After Kevin laments about his terrible won-loss record in the fantasy league he started, he begins to accept the reality that he’ll never win the Shiva, even as both his wife and brother-in-law close in on the championship.
“In the middle of the meeting, I realized… there’s really nothing that a judge does that a fantasy commissioner doesn’t.” – Kevin
“Except send someone to prison.” – Jenny
Recouping his loss as the group’s fantasy league commissioner, Kevin decides to try and advance his professional career by applying to be a judge. Jenny, as always, is there to talk some sense into him after the fact.
“You trade-roofied me!” – Kevin
“I didn’t come here to have my character assassinated, like Lincoln at the end of the movie–spoiler alert!” – Andre
Disputing the specifics of their conversation after Kevin’s colonoscopy, Andre takes great offense to the insinuation that he used Kevin’s less-than-sober state to his advantage. Also, really sorry if I ruined the ending of Lincoln for you.
“Wait a minute, is this my team? I’ve got four kickers and no quarterback. It looks worse than Aaron Hernandez’s alibi.” – Ruxin
Ruxin, who’s banished from the league, makes a devastatingly accurate observation as to his place in their hierarchy. As Taco innocently questions if Aaron Hernandez is okay, Ruxin makes it clear that his only goal is to get himself back into the league.
“Your champion wants to tell you all about your 2014 league draft plan.” – Jenny
Never one to hide her boastful achievements, Jenny starts off the sixth season by informing the league of when they’ll be drafting their teams, but it turns out she had calendars made to help everyone mark the occasion. The best part is it’s all on Kevin’s dime, given his position as Sacko, better known as the very non-coveted last place position.
