52-Year Old Man Punches Eighth Grader In Face For Losing At Basketball

By way of Prep Rally and numerous local news anchors who seriously cannot believe this shit, a 52-year old Eagan, Minnesota, man was arrested and charged with fifth-degree domestic assault for responding to a a youth basketball tournament loss by grabbing his 13-ish year old son with one arm and repeatedly punching him in the face with the other.

The outburst unfolded in a hallway outside the gym, and FOX 9 News spoke with two witnesses who said they never saw the boy throw a punch.

“It breaks your heart,” said Tara Falteysek, of Eagan. “I can’t imagine how that young boy feels, that dad would do that to him — and in front of friends.”

Witnesses said they were deeply disturbed by what happened, and Lakeville Police chief Tom Vonhof said he’s never seen anything like this in 30 years on the force.

Bat-Dad (I can only assume this guy is a belligerent, Minnesotan Bat-Dad) posted $10,000 bail over the weekend, and if convicted he faces up to 90 days in jail and a $3,000 fine. He also faces the very real danger of living the rest of his life with the kind of brain that makes you think headlocking and punching a middle-schooler in the mouth in front of his friends because his team lost a tournament game with literally zero consequences in regard to the rest of his life is a great idea.

Video of the report is below.

As I get older, I become increasingly more aware of how easy it is for an adult to purposefully f**k up the life of a child. A comedy sports blog isn’t the place for me to wax philosophic about the circle of life or whatever, but if you ever find yourself in a position where you’ve got an 8th Grader by the throat because of a remedial sports decision, my best advice would be to take a step back, think about your life, and consider adding an end point to your circle.